shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Lissa blinks. "Well, she doesn't seem like someone who came from the Station, like I did..."

 

"Where I come from is pretty violent," Jame points out. "So nothing surprising to me there."

 

It's pretty surprising where I'm from. The most exciting thing that ever happens here is construction. We have a bus station now. That's the peak of our excitement.

-continues to eye you suspiciously. you're probably thinking it too. totally. WE KNOW IT-

 

"She got out while still a child." Jame says. "She ended up on Pennarion and was adopted and had a slightly more normal upbringing, I think?"

 

"Oh." Lissa's ear twitches. "Pennarion? But Pennarion fell to the Conglomerate. I met Stanford when he was on the run..."

 

"Their Pennarion revolted and threw off the Conglomerate," Jame notes. "Whereas yours didn't? Explains why Valiska and Ford that I know live on Pennarion and you and this Stanford don't, I'd say."

 

Ford laughs. "I was her target when we met. I'd be dead if she hadn't decided to talk to me."

 

YEAH, NO, I LECTURE AT MYSELF ENOUGH. PIZZA, THOUGH! PIZZA IS A NEAR-UNIVERSAL CONSTANT, IT SEEMS, AND THANK FUCK FOR THAT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT PIZZA IS. FLING MYSELF OFF THE NEAREST CLIFF IN HORROR AND DIVE GRACEFULLY TO THE PAVEMENT, I SUPPOSE.

[he summons some pizza and offers a slice. it looks entirely like normal pizza except that it's covered in bugs and various chitinous pieces-parts. and onions!]

 

Lissa definitely wants bug pizza. It looks like something she would have eaten back in Dimension 25. It does not disappoint her.

 

Jame chuckles. "I would be bored to tears," she says, "and probably getting myself into a lot of trouble."

 

IT'S MAGIC DREAM PIZZA, YOU WANT A SLICE? I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO RUN OUT ANYTIME SOON.

[he holds out the box towards her]

THIS IS THE GOOD SHIT, TOO. I HAVE *TASTE* AND SINCE I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR FOOD I YANK WHOLECLOTH OUT OF THE MYSTICAL ETHER, I'M NOT GOING FOR THE GARBAGE YOU PAY TWO CAEGARS FOR AND HAVE TO COOK BY YOURSELF.

 

"Did she ever say why?" Jame asks. "I doubt an assassin would do this as a matter of course ..."

 

All pizza's great. Even terrible pizza's great. That's just how pizza works.

Oh cool thanks!

-takes the pizza-

What kind of-

Oh.

-stares at the bug bits-

That is about 90% of what I do. The other 10% is sleeping until like 5 pm.

 

"I was curious," Lissa says diffidently, inspecting her capped claws, and then, much more softly, "about the things he said when he spoke to Vandellin, and... I guess I thought he was awfully pretty. Still do."

 

[around a bite of pizza]

YOU AND DAVE ARE BOTH SUCH WEENIES. IT TASTES GOOD! I DON'T HAVE SOME EVIL PLOT TO TRICK YOU INTO EATING GROSS FOOD, BUT WHATEVER. YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN PIZZA, IT'S EASY

 

You get to talk to your targets? [The giant bug robot is not actually pouting, because that would be physically impossible with his facial structure, but he sure does sound like he would if he could.] 'Stream says we're not supposed to 'cause it ruins ambushes and stuff, and also it's Tarn's Thing and apparently commanders get mad if you copy their skillset?

 

"As a general rule, no?" Lissa smiles. "But I quit, you know. You may have noticed that I didn't kill him. That's why we live in his dimension. Mine is full of people who want to kill me because I left the Beijada and turned on a client and sort-of-married my target." She bites her lip. "We never did bother to get married. We thought about it. But then when Stanley got my paperwork done he included the marriage certificate. So that's why I'm Ford's wife, except not. I mean, I'm an undocumented alien, and it was easier for him to fake me an identity that was already a citizen, because I don't speak Spanish or Russian, and Colombians and Russians don't have cat ears, or purple blood, which would have been really hard to explain to the INS."

 

Marriage certificate???? What's that? What's paperwork have to do with being bonded??

 

"Marriages are registered with the government," Ford says, and shrugs, smiling fondly at Lissa. "And when my brother and I were growing up, the rules of our society dictated that people were supposed to get married before having children." He ruffles Lissa's hair, and scritches her ears. "She was very pregnant," he points out, with a smile; she had been so cute, though he'd initially been worried sick. "It bothered Stan and Carla. They thought I should have married her first, and they knew I didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought."

 

Lissa laughs, and digs her battered wallet out of her tiny sparkly purse. She pulls out a picture of herself, curled up around her very prominent round belly, asleep on a couch. "I used to tell Jezebel this was one of the first pictures I had of her. She was in there, see?" She knows that Jame will get it, but she's not sure the robots will. "Hurt a lot more coming out than going in," she says with a grin, "but worth every bit of it. I just wish we'd managed more than the once."