shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[stiffens like he's going into a defensive stance for just a second before relaxing. well, as much as karkat can relax. he crosses his arms over his chest and squints curiously at the lightsaber. he figures bringing his sickles out would probably be like bringing a butter knife to a gunfight, anyway]

THAT'S, UH, STILL PRETTY IMPRESSIVE? AND I HAVE SEEN SOME WILD SHIT IN MY DAY! HOW DOES THAT WORK, OR IS IT A TRADE SECRET ONLY THOSE WITH HIPPIE PSIONICS ARE ALLOWED TO BE PRIVY TO?

OF COURSE, I GUESS THE ANSWER COULD BE ~MAGIC~ AND ~LOVE~ AND ~A CONNECTION TO THE UNIVERSE~ OR ANY NUMBER OF OTHER RIDICULOUS PLATITUDES. GIVEN YOUR WHOLE SCHTICK.

 

Ford laughs. "Well," he says, "I didn't get to travel as long, but I got in plenty of trouble even before I left home. I wanted to change the world. But they wouldn't let me. My partners were killed right in front of me and I was shoved into the portal by the government agents who did it. We had two children, and I had no idea who was taking care of them, or if they were even alive--though I didn't think they'd kill children--so there was no way I'd have stayed on Pennarion even if Queen Kadiris had managed to win. Stan had gotten the kids back, but I had no way of knowing that, and I wasn't sure he even could--even the one we believed was mine didn't have my name."

 

The Council would love if the process was something only the Jedi were privy to. Alas, that's not the case. They still insist each make their own saber, though. As part of the initiation.

-grins at the comment about it being powered by love-

They're not powered by the Force but by crystals. Kyber, to be specific, which certainly resonates with the Force but they don't require someone who is Sensitive. Hook it up to a power grid in the hilt and emit the resulting energy in plasma blade. There's more to that of course, but that's the basic idea behind it.

-turns the blade and moves his thumb so karkat can see the little read emitter switch-

And of course there's a switch. Wouldn't be much use without one.

 

WELL, IT'S KIND OF A RELIEF THAT WHATEVER PASSES FOR SCIENCE WHERE YOU'RE FROM STILL APPLIES. SO, WHAT, YOU'RE PART OF A CULT?

FUCK ALMIGHTY, HOW MANY CULTIES AM I GOING TO RUN INTO HERE? HERE A ZEALOT, THERE A ZEALOT, EVERYWHERE A ZEALOT. I OPEN MY THERMAL HULL AND THREE DECIDEDLY FROSTBITTEN CLOWNS FALL OUT. I WILL NEVER BE FREE.

 

"Sorry, I should have thought ..." she says hurriedly, worried she's really made a mess of things. Some people don't like being reminded of things and she had just picked at a time she should have known would be traumatic and ...

 

-frowns at this. cult is the word brier uses. brier who would probably be very pleased to see this shit show of an interaction. yes look. jame hates him. clearly she does. that is why she isn't responding. that could be the only cause of any upset. she hates him and that is just as well and brier would just love that probably. oh, but it was his fault for that at all, if he had just be able to calm down and shut his stupid mouth. master ganth would have something to say about this. something at great lengthy actually. when will you learn to keep things controlled you useless, useless mandalorian mongrel. it's better this way though because that just makes things simpler if she won't talk to us. tori's voice is as calm as it was before, stormy thoughts or no-

The Jedi Order's not a cult, no. It is definitely a religious order, however. I joined of my own accord as a child for...personal reasons.

 

Ford shrugs. "How would you know? Anyhow, we're up shit's creek now with the Condescension, but we'll deal with it."

 

YEAH, WHATEVER. RELIGIOUS ORDER, CULT, WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS ANYMORE! BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TRY AND DRAG ME, KICKING AND SCREAMING, INTO YOUR ~*~*~ORDER~*~*~ I COULDN'T GIVE TWO CRUMBLY SHITS WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR FREE TIME. OK, THAT'S A LIE. I CARE INASMUCH AS I'M GOING TO JUDGE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU FROM OVER HERE IN MY "NOTHING IS WORTH THAT MUCH DEVOTION" CORNER, BUT SINCE I'D RATHER NOT GET TURNED INTO A DELICIOUS STEAMED CORPSE READY TO BUST OPEN (LIKE A CRUSTACEAN! THAT'S THE JOKE) WITH YOUR SCI-FI SWORD...

I WILL DUST OFF MY RARELY-USED DECORUM GLAND AND REV UP THE DISCRETION SECRETIONS.

 

Even if you were Force Sensitive I wouldn't. Searching out prospective children isn't my job, thankfully.

And I'm hardly going to attack with my saber.

-he flicks the switch and snaps it back onto his belt-

You sound like you've reason to be nervous, and I'm the one with a deadly weapon in hand. Which sounds a bit worse than it should. I'm not going to hurt you though. I'd like to stress that.

 

I'M NOT NERVOUS, FUCK YOU! I AM *PERFECTLY* **CALM** AND ANYONE WHO WANTS TO ARGUE OTHERWISE IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO RSVP FOR THE EAT MY GODDAMN SHAMEGLOBES PARTY. THERE WILL BE GAMES AND REFRESHMENTS! AND THEN WHEN THE PARTY IS OVER, WE WILL LEAP, GRINS ON OUR FACES, INTO THE VOID OF SPACE. SOMEDAY THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN THE FUTURE, AN ALIEN WILL GAZE UPON MY FLASH-FROZEN HUSK IN WONDERMENT AND GO "WOW, WHAT A CALM LOOKING DUDE. TAKE NOTES, EVERYONE"

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

[he glances at the lightsaber for a second before deciding that it probably isn't going to come out to play again. with that out of mind, his posture becomes something minutely less defensive]

 

Your calm is certainly rowdy then! Or, at the very least, highly detailed and evocative.

 

HA, PLEASE. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SHIT YET, MOTHERFUCKER! EVOCATIVE MIGHT AS WELL BE MY ADULT TITLE. SLAM POETRY? FUCK THAT! I'LL COMPOSE A SONNET DETAILING EVERY POSSIBLE FLAVOR OF CALM KNOWN TO SENTIENT RACES AND THEN DROPKICK IT INTO THE PUBLIC EYE. MY DESCENDANTS WILL WEEP DELIGHTED TEARS AT THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I CREATED SUCH A RICH LITERARY BODY FOR THEM TO CLAIM AS THEIR LEGACY.

 

-chuckles at that-

You and Grimly might have fun together if that's the case. He is a friend of mine; a gurlanin that often hides himself as a human or rodian poet.

 

I UNDERSTOOD APPROXIMATELY HALF THOSE WORDS. WHILE I KNOW MY ALIEN APPEARANCE LENDS ITSELF TO A SORT OF WISE SPACEFARING IMPRESSION, I'VE ONLY MET ONE OTHER RACE THAT WASN'T A GAME CONSTRUCT, SO EVEN THOUGH I'M SURE TERMS LIKE "GURLANIN" AND "RODIAN" ARE INTENDED TO BE HELPFUL, THEY AREN'T RINGING A DONG SHOUTER.

 

*fingerguns*

 

... @Karkat Vantas what's your secret to not getting a sore throat...from talking so loudly all the time?..

 

god damn it karkat what is it with you and dong shouters its not easier to say than bell it doesnt make any SENSE it literally just sounds like it crawled out of troll freuds dick-laden mindscape specifically to haunt me

Spoiler: extended metaphor about dicks & dick accessories, nsfw

and let me tell you when i say dick-laden i mean it its like a motherfucking world of cocks in there balls sprouting out from the ground like particularly wrinkly bushes rivers of jizz sustaining the life force of the mighty and towering shaft trees

 

YOU SAY THAT AS IF THERE IS A SECRET AND MY LIFE ISN'T A SERIES OF INCREASINGLY-COMICAL BOUTS OF LARYNGITIS

 

Is your voicebox broken?? Where's your Fixer? Can you get a new one?

 

...i somehow have a tendency to get laryngitis just from talking at room volume...

humans don't really work that way...it's really hard for a surgeon to change one out for a new one...i think it's only been successfully done like once or twice...

and it is also probably really expensive...and i don't think anyone would want to go through it outside of dire circumstances...