Popping the question - advice needed

So.

I have a best friend. Let's call her Betty. She has a boyfriend. Let's call him Charles.

Betty has been unhappy with the relationship for a while. She's tried talking it through with Charles. But he has something bordering on a superiority complex and can't take any criticism (no matter how gently worded), without deciding it's a personal attack.

Betty and Charles broke up last weekend. Charles was planning on proposing to Betty. Betty found out and decided that this was the point at which she needed to put together an exit plan. She doesn't want to marry Charles. She broke up with him a few days ago and moved out.

I have been planning on proposing to my partner for over a year now. I'm getting to the point where my plans are coming together and the proposal is imminent. I've made sure that this is a thing that my partner wants. I'm like 99% sure that they will say yes.

But Betty is my best friend, and I love her dearly. People are telling me to go ahead with my plans, but I'm worried about hurting her. She's just had to break up with her bf of over 3 years over an engagement, so I'm worried that by proposing I'd be hurting her further.

So what do I do? Do I put it off? Do I wait? If I wait, how long should I wait? If I carry on with my plans, how do I mitigate the harm caused? I know that my own relationship is important, and love is important, and that she would be happy for me because she's my bff. But she's going through a tough time right now and there's no way of knowing when that will end. So what do I do?

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalp.

 

Maybe tell her in confidence tat you want to propose and ask if that would put her in a weird place? If that is too awkward, you could totally pop the question and even if it is weird right now, I'm sure she will be happy for you and the weird feeling won't last.

 

She does know that a proposal is on the cards, and that it'll be soon. So it won't be a huge surprise when it does happen. It is going to take me another few weeks to get everything together, so I have that grace period at least.

I think I'm might be slightly in denial (is that the right word?) in a weird way. Because I've asked several people and they've all said to go ahead with it. So that does seem to be the general consensus. And it's what I want too.

It's just... eugh. I'm repeating what I said above, but I'm worried about hurting her. Another bff of ours got married last year. Another bff is engaged and planning a wedding for next year. And she's happy for them, of course! But I know her, and I know it's hard for her as well.

But then again, this is a thing that affects the rest of my life, and it's a thing I've wanted for ages and she knows that. And she's endlessly compassionate and sweet and wants what's best for our group of friends. I just don't want to add to the stress she's already under.

Eugh, grown up drama is the worst.

 

It might be a cultural thing I'm missing, but the idea that you'd delay getting engaged to your partner for fear of hurting a third party who neither of you is romantically involved with seems... really, really weird? It's a very peculiar thing to be worried about, and it makes me wonder (forgive me if I'm armchair-analyzing you) if it isn't more of a way for you to justify some very reasonable hesitation in taking this significant step.

Your friend is a grown woman, and she broke up a relationship because she wanted to, and she probably knows that getting married is A Thing People Do and the fact that she decided she didn't want to do it this time with this guy has... nothing to do with you and your partner. And you're not the manager of her emotions, and you can't keep her from being hurt by the situation she just experienced, but putting your own plans on hold because of that seems to me both ineffective and not very healthy.

 

Talking is an option, yeah. And she does already know that this is a thing that's in the works so that part won't be a shock. I think I've just worked myself in to a bit of a tizzy about it and made everything seem a hundred times harder than it actually is. Anxiety brain has kicked in full force, and that tends to mean that I get a bit deer-in-headlights and end up catastrophising. And while I can explain that in a logical sense, actually getting my brain to believe it is hard.

I think I could probably gently broach the subject by bringing up the proposal plan in general at a reasonable moment though. She knows what I've been planning and she's seemed excited about it other times I've mentioned it. So I could use that to test the waters. If she reacts negatively I'll have to consider another way of bringing it up. But I don't know if I'm capable of being super direct right now.

I actually went away to think about this for a bit, because it wasn't something I'd considered and it's a very good point. I think I've come to the conclusion that whilst I'm very much on board with the idea of proposing and being married to my partner, and it's something I want sooner rather than later, my brain is prone to self-sabotaging. So I think I've probably glommed on to this thing in a, 'You don't get to have nice things, because it'll be at someone else's expense' sense rather than a, 'You are about to make a huge mistake' sense. If that follows? Logically I know it's not at Betty's expense, and I'm not doing anything malicious by following through with the plans she's already aware of and that ultimately don't concern her. It's just that my anxiety ratchets up a thousandfold when it comes to the possibility of hurting another person (even if that possibility is very low or just not a plain sensible conclusion to reach). So now that I've considered the idea that this could upset Betty, that thought has just taken up residence in the back of my head.

However! I saw her this evening with our other friend that's getting married next year. And Betty had brought a crap tonne of fake flowers with her and talked that friend through wedding bouquets for like an hour. So while it may be somewhat of a sore point for her at the moment for her own reasons, she's evidently not shying away from the whole concept as it relates to other people. Which was reassuring.