shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

aw shit its time to experience organic
im ready

[he splits one apple in half, and tosses a half along with another of the apples at lindi, before taking a bite out of his half. his expression does not change, but somewhere deep beneath the irony layers he's having a fruit epiphany]

oh my god

thats me im just an open book spilling all kinds of titillating secrets on the floor for the perusal of anyone who happens on the scattered pages
ask me about my dark and tortured past its about time we had a flashback montage

 

Now you see that I have saved you.

 

[Curls into a pouty ball.]
Where is your teacher? Why did you interfere with an exchange??? What is this???? And why are you calling me a lady, I am not consort of a lord?

[They catch the apples and smell these too. They evidently forget about pouting immediately, happily shoving one apple into their mouth whole]
Ohhhhh this pleases me. A sufficient offering. Name your task.

[They rest their chin on their hands watching him expectantly]

[Flops the end of their tail on her head like a silly hat]

 

[Pointed ignoring of said corner. Infinite copies of infinite universes. Just because he's here doesn't mean he's in Wiretap's home universe.]

Ooooh are we having a trauma party now? You first!

 

I don't care about the exchange I care about good food.

-She hands Lindi a perfect honeycrisp apple.-

 

...actually. Hey. Dream. Uh-- sorry I don't know your name, pale human with the curly hair? How much'll a good apple cost me? Not like it's gonna gunk up my tanks here.

 

fuck yeah where do i obtain these primo apples or do i have to get a gold account to unlock another taste

[his mouth is full of apple as he speaks]

i command you to enjoy this apple thusly and with much gusto so says i knight of time

[he stiffens almost imperceptibly]
it was a joke do they not have those where youre from

 

Just take one. You want a big one? Like, me sized or whatever. I'm good at thinking of food.

 

That one's a honeycrisp. Protip granny smiths suck for eating straight.

 

:O
[They take this apple too. But they're pacing themselves, not shoving it right in their mouth. Appreciate the smell first, roll it in your hand Lindi. Rub it on your cheek. By the masters, apples are truly the best.]

You are a straaaaaaaaange one master.
[They smile happily though and shove the apple against their nose some more]

 

79: Wiretap, I want an apple.

 

My dude it's called rolling with the joke
I'm a battlefield medic currently attached to a hitsquad on the tail end of a four-million-year war, pretty much everyone's got some kinda trauma, I don't actually expect you to spill your guts at a stranger
Well, not metaphorically anyway. Literally happens sometimes.

I dunno, I trust your food judgement more than mine? Like, whatever apple is the best apple for eating plain, I wanna try that one first, however big you wanna make it.

 

-She makes him a bigass apple.-

 

Wiretap: Either we can share a big one if the human gives us one or I'll clone ya one once I know what it tastes like

 

79: Okay. I don't talk to humans.

-There's a pause, but a feeling of deep spite, hatred, and fear seeps into her next statement.-

Spoiler: Gore

79: I'll only speak to a human if they stab a knife into their useless meat-brain and stick a machine in to talk to me properly.

 

Thanks!

[Dream logic means he has enough arms to crack the apple in half without having to drop 79; he offers half the giant apple to her, and watches the juice drip for a second or two before cautiously biting into the other half.]

!!!!

 

Wiretap: Fair enough! You don't gotta talk to her, I can do the talking.

 

-She faceplants into the flesh of the apple, chewing.-

 

wait like
theres differences beyond the colors and where theyre from what
dont laugh ok i grew up in the concrete jungle apples werent especially plentiful i can tell you how to hit every 7/11 in the most efficient route on free slushie day but im not exactly experienced with apples and other forms of sustenance that havent been in at least seventeen factories
im liable to shove an oak leaf in my mouth like i dont know what i can and cant eat without cellophane telling me what do do

until we are on butler island im dave not master not sir not any of that shit

maybe for all you know i simply one upped the joke to a new echelon one your enormous metal mind simply couldnt process
four million years huh
is that a lot for you robodudes im not familiar with how your lifespans work for all i know thats merely the blink of an eye

 

Yeah, it's like... you know how people breed tulips and shit to have different colors and looks? People have bred apples to have different tastes.