shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Veryyyyyyy.... It's why I need so many apples. And blood. Feed me.
[They coil up tightly around themselves, grinning from the middle of their tail-wrap.]

 

Does it have to be human blood?

 

Wow. I die and everyone goes fuckass bonkers.

 

Oh no. The demon consort feeds me mice blood on apples. it's nice. He bites them too so I can smell his breath on them.
[Lindi stop sounding so incredibly appreciative of being able to smell a random guy's breath.]

[Unkind snickering]

 

Hm...

 

[They tilt their head in question]

 

-Clover thinks up a little plate of apple slices with blood drizzled over them artistically.-

 

[Lindi looks absolutely delighted and slithers closer, curling up around Clover]
Hmmm you have good taste.

 

Veroandi: "That's not something unusual, if you're the only healer and there's a monster capable of casting Confusion!"


Kerlaugr: "L-luckily, you're not the only healer anymore. Though I s-suppose that w-wouldn't matter very much if we were both dead. Or i-if one or both of us was a-also confused."


Durapror: "...None of you should be dying very often on my watch. Furthermore, you can trust that Uror will not allow ailments to debilitate our party that severely."


Uror: "My songs won't let you fall sick!"

 

Do you want them?

 

[They at least try not to look too desperate as they blink at her.]
What is your desire, Master?

 

-She thinks.-

You gotta tell me an interesting true story.

 

Healer? Nah, the doctor in my party is someone else. Who we call Doc, of course.

Spoiler: red vs blue season 15 spoilers

What happened was more like... I died and then my friends went and became murderous criminals. Which they definitely weren't before. Well, okay, no, Sarge was pretty murderous and we've all done stuff outside the law before, but... what they are doing now is just... something else.

And I have no idea why they're doing it. ... well, this me doesn't, anyway. Some other me might.

... some other me might be why they're doing it, actually... Omega did have a boner for murder. But not a literal boner. A metaphorical boner of rage and evil. Yeah.

... but... I don't think Omega can possess that many people at the same time...

 

[Lindi looks surprised but nods slowly, curling around the girl more closely and settling in comfortably]

I can tell you the story of how I became Lindi Eye Of Snakes.
It was long ago and I was very young. Back then people wore the raw hides of their kills, and scratched wards into the earth itself. They had not grown complacent in their assumption they had conquered nature yet. It was still a constant battle.
I do not know her true name - of course I do not, back then humans still knew better and hid what gives our kind power over them. But I called her - the closest would be Mák. She summoned me in a field of flowers, poppies, for she was the settlements healer, and she told me of a great sickness that endangered the children.
Mák, a wise and fierce young girl, stared me down for a full day when I would not speak to her. I appeared in front of her in many shapes trying to tempt or intimidate her, but she did not falter. I did not know how to explain to her that she had called the wrong one, for I have no prowess in the domaine of healing. When I finally did she laughed and said she disagreed. That she did not need my expertise to heal - she could do that on her ownif she only had the time. She wanted me to soothe the pain and give the children easy dreams so she may work without pressure. I refused it until she could produce a proper payment.

[They smile fondly]

The standoff continued until she twitched and her hand darted forward onto the floor suddenly. She had not moved at all previously and I must admit I startled. In her hands was a dancing hissing ribbon, green and brown. I was immediately enchanted. Mák noticed of course, she was very percptive, brilliant. She held the beast inher hands and showed me a yellow ring just behind the head, then pointed to her neck around which was wrapped a loosely braided yellow string. She explained that her Teacher taught her and all the hunters to wear the string as a ward against evil for nothing in nature is baseless and the beast was rarely unfortunate. I asked her what the beast's name was. She smiled and said that this would be a trade.

[They close their eyes and touch the braided yellow string around their neck that appeared while they were talking.]

I needed a focus to enter dreams back then as I was young and had gone hungry for a long time. Mák, in her wisdom offered to put a snake and a poppy blossom in the bed of each child I was to watch over. It was the night I became the Eye of Snakes and Snakes became the Eyes of Lindi.

[The story finished they daintily take an apple slice from the plate with long claws and eat it]

 

-appears, a bottle of wine in one hand and a half-smoked cigarette in the other-

Huh, didn't know you could take wrong turns on the Paths. Left or right, then?

 

Sssssstraight ahead.
[They hold out a hand for the cigarette, or the wine. Or any other forthcoming payment. They are not picky]

 

If it's not where you wanted to go I can't say it's the right path, but it's a safe enough one all the same!

 

Well that would explain where I fucked up; there are no straight shots on the Paths. -she laughs easily, pulls a massive drag off the cig and handing Lindi the rest-

 

[Lindi smokes serenely, idly blowing little rings into the air.]
It is entirely overrated, straightness. Coiled and spiralling and curved are so much more pleasant.

 

-she expels significantly more smoke than she drew in, in a neat pyre-cloud. Magic!-

Straight lines are for cities and idiots who want the empire up their ass.