shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[Giggles]
Not having an ass helps.
Snakes have no use for donkeys.

 

I suppose they're useful sometimes. -she giggles, clearly thinking of somethingone in particular-

Still half inclined to eat him.

 

[This nod has a slight mournful note to it]
You would have tradition on your side. Mistakes of any kind have only one appropriate retaliation.

 

Oh dear, that means they would have to eat him.

 

They?

 

The empire. Or local oversight at least. He's ours 'cause they fucked up. Which isn't new, empire's been fucking up as long as it's been around...

But sending a remote-possessed assassin after a pair of witches and expecting a) it to work and b) for us to not steal him like the fuckin Ableen Emerald... that was really stupid.

Z runs with us now. They'll either kill him for fucking up or being a failed project or something anyway.

 

That was a good story. Thanks, Lindi.

 

Durapror: "...Well, a fair number of us are criminals, but none of us are particularly murderous criminals."


Uror: "Duneyrr and I are no longer welcome in several inns and towns because of our shenanigans!"


Skuld: "...Have committed alchemy taboos...practice forbidden alchemy..."


Kormt: "My existence itself is often considered a crime against nature."

 

*laughs* Mine too, honestly.

 

JOIN THE CLUB! WE HAVE BADGES I HAVE LOVINGLY CRAFTED IN THE SHAPE OF DOUBLE FEATHERBEASTS, AND REFRESHMENTS! THE REFRESHMENTS ARE, BEFITTING THE QUALITY OF THE THEME, VARIOUS FORMS OF BODILY WASTE.

DIG THE FUCK IN

 

Ohhhh, are we talking criminal records? Good to know I'm in good company.

-she taps another cig out of her pack, somehow it's already lit?-

 

"Oh? Would misfortune also happen to follow you, wherever you go?"

Kormt: "Badges? What magical properties do these badges have?"
Kormt: "..."
Kormt: "That's a very...impressive...curse you have there. Whoever is responsible for it must surely be a god among hexers."


Kerlaugr: "I-I'm not sure I like the sound of that.


Uror: "The 'impressive' curse, or the refreshments being 'various forms of bodily waste'?"


Kerlaugr: "Both?"

 

YEAH, I'M IMPRESSIVE IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY REGARD. THE CURSE I INFLICTED UPON MYSELF BY BEING A STUPID PIECE OF SHIT IN EVERY WAY, THOUGH? A PARTICULARLY REMARKABLE INSTANCE OF IDIOCY IN MY HEFTY RECORD OF BAD DECISIONS.

 

[there is suddenly a door, which dave promptly kicks open. he has a party hat on, and puts one over each of karkat's horns for good measure]

do you motherfuckers know what day it is
this very day twenty one years ago my best bro john came to earth on a flaming hunk of rock
thats right get out the streamers the balloons the cake that he may or may not throw a fit about eating
i guess if he were here which he isnt but i dont give two wet shits about that

it is john motherfucking egberts FUCKING birthday and we are going to party so help me god
god is me not getting funky is a cardinal sin and lbr none of us wants to go to hell

 

I mean, if we're talking all criminal records I'm pretty sure I've got a sheet a mile long from while the Senate was still in power-- misuse of government property, stealing government property, being a filthy rebel, acquiring skills outside my Sena-- sorry, "Primus"-ordained purpose... Huh, I wonder if being an atheist woulda been a crime, what with the theocracy paint all over their jetfuel.

[The most perfect-looking Martha Stewart-esque birthday cake appears. It is so perfect it might've been lifted right out of one of those cooking shows where they have a mock-up final product that doesn't actually get eaten because it's made of plastic and glass. (Because it probably was.)

Please do not eat this cake, a robot appearified it and he didn't even know what apples tasted like until two days ago, do you really trust him with cake?]
Party for one missing birthday boy coming right up!

 

check your calendars
is it 4/13 for you?
then let' celebrate

and if it isn't
shake your alien forelimbs
at the sky instead

you are missing out
on a great nostalgia day
of fun memories

(redundancy is
totally allowable
in lazy haiku)

 

Ah. In that case if the mistake lies with them, rather than with him, it is them who should get eaten.
Let the being you want to contain catch wind of a way to leave and the first to get out will be the mouth.
[They take another drag from the cigarette, eyes distant and sad]

[They nod, brightening up a little]
I loved Mák dearly. She was brilliant. When she left the mortal realm she had me summoned by an apprentice just to tell me I was not allowed to mourn her.

What flavor is that cake you speak of?
[slithers closer to Dave]

 

(tiny rat paws grasp a bit of cake... the rat mlems the frosting)

 

[They watch the rattos, absolutely enchanted. What darling little creatures. so cute.]

 

hell fucking yes dude
that is one beautiful cake its too perfect to cut open like a goddamn christmas ham fucking
sawing it open for us to feast upon like some grisly flock of starving extended family that is also vultures
swooping down from above to demolish the dinner you worked so hard on without even so much as a thank you
put it on display for all time so that we can gaze upon it and know what our dessert goals should be

i mean
THAT cake? is probably like fuckin fiberglass flavor with gasoline icing which im sure is fine for those of us with less fleshy configurations but i wouldnt recommend eating it if you like enjoy eating human food

what kind of cake do you want i can make one