shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[They blink]
Poppyseed. Or... apple? But I take most fruits as gifts, truly, i am simply partial to those.

 

thats more like pie material but john has cake trauma anyway lets celebrate by desecrating the good name of box cake mix

[he summons a cake that looks like a normal supermarket sheet cake, except for the suspicious dusting of jpeg artifacts. it tastes fine, though, if a bit fruity. he also makes a table with a punch bowl full of (you guessed it) apple juice, and a stack of plastic cups]

 

:D
[They drape themselves onto Dave like a snake-weirdo-shaped-cape.]

 

nice

[what is he supposed to do here...? awkward pat pat pat to whatever scaly bit is on his right shoulder]

 

Kormt: "You...authored the hex yourself?"
Kormt: "And then, through error or mishap, cast said hex upon yourself?"
Kormt: "I...I think I need a moment."


Uror: "Congratulations, I think you broke Kormt!"


Skuld: *Concern noises*


Durapror: "You have my sympathies, stranger. I only know far too well what it is like for poor judgement to have disastrous and catastrophic consequences."
-Durapror appears very troubled-

 

[snugglesssssssss yesssssss. Lindi makes a small happy little noise.]

 

THAT IMPLIES I'M COMPETENT ENOUGH TO CREATE THE CURSE. HA! AS IF. MY COMPETENCY LEVEL IS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN "ACTUAL GRUB" AND "SOMEONE FAILING ON PURPOSE, PROBABLY FOR ~THE IRONIES~"

ONLY, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I DO, MY ANTICS ARE PAINFULLY SINCERE. MY FRIEND, AT LEAST I THINK HE'S STILL MY FRIEND, MADE IT AND LIKE THE IMPULSIVE ASSMUNCH I AM I "CAST" IT.

 

My guy as long as we're in dreamland we have infinite fraggin' cakes, a literal mountain of cake or pie or whatever else our starving little sparks desire
If you want it to taste like real human-made stuff you're gonna have to do it yourself though, yeah, I've only seen 'em before. I think it's supposed to be sweet? Dunno if that means it's arsenic-flavored or some slag like that...

 

good god man arsenic flavored cake youre an evil mastermind
kidding kidding but like ftr
arsenic makes humans and probably a wide variety of other organic people stop being alive so definitely no one made of meat should eat that cake
dreamspace or otherwise im sure that deadly poison is going to have some negative side effects

you can eat it though if you want or we can like set it on fire as long as it isnt made of fuckin
asbestos
do you guys eat asbestos
yum yum carcinogens

 

I mean I'm pretty sure it's not an arsenic cake? Not near shiny enough for that. I have literally no idea what that abestos slag is, though. What either of those are, actually. Carcinawhat now?

 

then what the fuck IS it
what wonders does this cake hold within its mysterious doughy mass

a carcinogen
fuck god okay obligatory karkat joke that isnt nearly as funny as people think its gonna be it just kind of falls limply on the floor
flops a little bit maybe
before expiring without any fanfare and we all go back to pretending i never said it

a carcinogen is a thing that causes cancer which is a really fucked up disease that organics get sometimes
asbestos is supposed to not catch on fire easily so we put it in a bunch of houses and shit but WHOOPS lol turns out your house didnt burn down but now you lived long enough to get tumors coming out your dick youre welcome

 

I don't even know man I just told the ether "I want a cake" and cake happened, I don't have the right sensory array to tell you what's in it. Arsenic's just known for being the one primusdamn medical metal that actually tastes decent, it's sweet as frag so it covers up some of the nastier stuff some patients need and it's good for boosting self-repair of circuitry.

I don't think we have asbestos? We also don't technically get cancer though, so. [Shrug.] Closest parallel's cybercrosis and even that's more... like, whole-body osteoporosis or some slag than anything growing.

 

im gonna eat it
for science

 

[dave sniffs at the cake and wrinkles his nose almost imperceptibly before taking a slice and poking at it. it's definitely firmer than normal cake, but not so firm biting it would break off teeth. what on earth even]

ok here goes one small step for man one even smaller possibly not even a step for the transformers franchise


my life just flashed before my eyes
i feel like i just dunked my mouth into one of those nasty oil lakes on johns planet and took a fuckin swig
no idea whats in there but its definitely not things that belong in the human body oh my brutally executed troll jesus

[he coughs a little bit and takes a drink of the previously summoned apple juice]
nobody eat that dont be like me im a bad role model

 

holy slag dude
Like on the one hand thanks for doing science but on the other don't poison yourself??

Actually-- [he summons a pedestal for the cake. It may now be admired from a distance, but getting to it would take some acrobatic shenanigans. Or teleportation.] There.

 

[I really need to get Mary Sue unbanned at some point. This is @Drake PPS-1083 Swift]

Isn't the whole point of any kind of Jesus to be executed brutally.
Aside from. Uh. Regular people named Jesus. Probably.

 

[karkat's expression is one of supreme disappointment as he thumps dave's back]

TRULY, YOU ARE "THE LIFE OF THE PARTY." I'M SO FUCKING PROUD, WHAT WOULD WE DO FOR ENTERTAINMENT IF YOU DIDN'T SHOVE ANYTHING THAT EVEN VAGUELY RESEMBLES FOOD INTO YOUR EAGERLY WAITING FACE GASH.

I WAS STARTING TO WORRY THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO MAKE A STUPID DECISION, AND LEAVE THAT JOB TO ME

 

[Lindi, idly munching cake, transfers their weight from Dave onto Karkat. Congrats Karkat, now you have the snake fucker as a cape]

 

absolutely beautiful
that cake belongs in the fucking moma lets all take a minute to admire this goddamn inedible masterwork
the single slice taken out is both a striking image and a warning to mankind

do i look fucking religious to you

[is thump]
i cant let you get all the glory man

 

At last
A lowly Decepticon medic strikes back against the fearsome pitspawn
It might not be flattening of New Yorkcity but by the power of horrible-tasting fuel I have overcome at least one human
Fear me :P