shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Yeah. Three. Or four, actually. I think Dave and Karkat aren't from any of ours.

*finally makes sense of shit*

*stunned expression*

*sighs heavily*

Goddammit, I'm a fucking idiot! I shouldn't have been going on about how it's such a big sacrifice to make a deal with a demon and all, not to you! Not to someone from your dimension!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I was damn insensitive there, wasn't I?

 

where is texas
texas was a huge goddamn state in the bottom half of america on earth
the bottom half of america had the weirdest simultaneous reputation for being full of huge fucking racists but also really polite people
and i guess depending on how brown you are both were true

 

-Laughs, suddenly has a pocket bong because of course she does-

Boy you are so lucky I'm off the clock, you couldn't write "target" on your back brighter if you set it up in neon. Seemingly innocuous deals that screw you over in the long run are kind of our thing. Maybe it's bigger than you thought. Or it starts small but one day it's "an unspecified favor to be paid at a later date, we can work it out," in exchange for "not dying right now, today" and then you're fucked.

-was that personal? Who knows? She flutters her hit irreverently-

 

I mean. Yeah, they give energy, but not a lot, and not enough to really be worth all the material gunk unless you're willing to power through it for a grudge or whatever. Only the second's a rule for us-- bargains are pretty much weighted in the master's favor, unless they mess up their phrasing badly enough we can get out or sabotage or whatever.

[Blinkblink.] I mean. You're from somewhere else entirely. Unless you know our dimension yourself? I can't really blame you for working off what you're used to. But yeah, people with worse summoning histories than me prooobably would've gotten fussy about it. [Shrug!]

 

Bottom half of America? Can't say I've been there, but I've heard nice things about that part of the world. Didn't realize they had enough variety yet to be racist, but that's colonization for you! That's, what... Spain's, isn't it?

 

[They laugh and stick out their tongue at him]
Missing the maaaaaster?~

Oooooo interesting, what is that?
[They circle around Dave looking at the sigil from all angles]

[They shrug] I assume magical energies feel differently around your place.
And-... Well the part of the name humans can conceive of is barely enough to pull us into the corporeal realm.
... Unless you are like the consort and Grimm i suppose. He may be able to properly conceptualize that guy's name.
[They poutily take a drag from-... huh they have their pipe again. Someone is jealous anyway.]

 

Yeah. I am. And I don't know your dimension. *sheepish laugh* If I did, well... I definitely wouldn't have said all that suit before.

I don't think demon summoning is much of a thing where I'm from.

I live in a different dimension now, though, where it is a thing, a thing pretty different from your thing. In it, mortals are the ones that get screwed over by demons, demons are eldritch beings from the beyond that casually rip the fabric of reality apart and see nothing wrong with the harm it causes, and there are people whose job is just to break the deals other people make with demons, cursebreakers.

 

That sounds
Pretty fuckin' horrible if 'mhonest
All the wards the summoners put up're to stop us gettin' out the circle and into their circle on their plane, we c'n always jus' fuck off back to our own if we don't like it an' there ain't much they c'n do to stop it. Tryin' to stop it generally gets 'em eaten.

Not 'nuff t'want you wearin' his shape all over the place!

 

-talky hand gesture behind his back-

 

Awwwwwww~ but he's so cuuuuute~

... Actually... There's some who can prevent our kind from leaving.
[They looks acutely embarrassed suddenly, hiding behind their hair again.]

[Snort giggle]

 

Mine, not yours.

...Who've you been summoned by recently?

 

man get fucked i dont need all you magic fuckers being smug and reprimanding me because i dont know how your mysterious and vague horseshit works
im not about to go yeah lol karkat i accidentally spilled information that could screw you over in the long run but thats your problem now buddy
what the fuck else was i supposed to do
just cause im not altering the fucking timeline in here doesnt mean youre dealing with a greenhorn i can damn well take care of myself and make whatever decisions i gotta
at least if i do get snored (snake vored) ill have fucked up on my own and thatll be on ME and not someone who tossed me to the fuckin wolves

yeah no im from the future
england fights us for it and loses spoilers

its a record but it got broken through a series of embarrassing and ridiculous shenanigans that no one needs to hear in detail
and now its my "brand" or whatever

 

A real name is... the closest we really get to a solid identity. Polite summoners, or paranoid ones who don't want us getting stolen, sometimes give us different names for public use, but there's only one you can use to call someone out of the Other Place. Like, N'gorso and Nectanebo and Sakhr al-Jinni are all the same guy, but none of those will give you any power over him because his real name is something else. Magicians keep lists of the names they know, and sometimes try to get names of other spirits out of us. Not that that last one works a whole lot. [A kitty smile has many teeth, and may not actually be a smile.]

"Eldritch beings from beyond reality" sounds about par for the course, but you don't really get into guys who can mess with the fabric of reality unless you try to pin them down. Which... doesn't usually go well. Does Atlantis exist in your dimension? 'Cause that's the big historical one everyone likes to mention, even if I've heard something about stuff heading that way again soon...

Circles trap us on Earth, wards protect the wizard. Only way to leave is for them to dismiss us or to mess up somehow else-- leave their circle without finishing the binding, mispronouncing a ward, stuff like that. Some spirits like to eat their summoners on the way out if they aren't dismissed properly, but I just don't see the point.

Nice. England's honestly been my worst stint so far-- they had a golem messing up their capital last I saw, would you believe it? And they were trying to send djinn against it!

 

-turns her sclera black so you can really see it when she crosses her eyes, talky hand continues-

Sorry mate, I figured you at least had an idea, given that "got arsefucked by poor decision making re:demons" is a trope older than civilization.

You're allowed to make cataclysmically bad decisions. I'm allowed to point and laugh.

 

An adjacent one does, and we fucked it up on our own. There were demons involved, but that's what happens when you open a portal that spans half a planet. Whoops.

 

Yeah. Cosmo, one of those fairy godparents I mentioned earlier, sunk it. By being an idiot, like always.

 

Weird.

Our version had a bunch of mages get together and try to pull one of the really big ones through-- even if I knew their name I wouldn't mention it here, I don't need that kind of attention-- and the humans didn't have enough power to hold the summoning together, so on their way out they trashed the entire island and part of northern Africa.

 

Sooooooo possessive. Remind me again who's the master?
[They waggle their eyebrows]

[Embarrassed snek is embarrassed]
Not recently! Some time around 2000 B.C. isn't recently!!

[Nods] Yessssss, this sounds like it is right. Sigils are meaningful.

[They tilt their head] Mhhhh... Say there is how a human would say Lal. But their name in fullness is actually Lal. [There is a lot more... knowledge to the way they say the name the second time. History. People perceptive in the magical ways can hear many things about the powers of this demon, purification of water, and rain, and that they favored translucent forms shaped vaguely like humanoids. They also know that Lal has ceased existing for a long time now, and that they have sired many other demons, Lindi among them]
See what I mean?

[More snickering]

[Soft whistle] Impressive.

 

im not rose i never cared about that goffik nonsense man
and i mean i know conceptually its a trope but a fictional kind of ridiculously corny setup is different than a hot snerson staring you in the face and telling you that you mightve accidentally fucked your bbbbbro over

whats yours mean if thats like not a huge fuckin faux pas

 

[Nods.] Something like that. The second one isn't so much a word for us, and humans don't usually pick up on it anyway. More essence than name. Don't really need names when we're all together!