shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[Queezle becomes human-shaped just so she has eyebrows to raise at this.]

 

-coincidentally happens to place popcorn next to her-

 

OH, SHAPESHIFTERS! DELIGHTFUL. MY PUSHER IS OVERFLOWING WITH JOY.

PUT YOUR EYEBROWS BACK DOWN.

NO, AND LET ME SUBMIT THIS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION ALSO: FUCK YOU

 

That an offer?

 

[Munch munch. Those watching closely may notice the popcorn becoming slimy and iridescent grey between her fingers and mouth.]

 

Djinni, technically. Also, no! [Said eyebrows become large and bushy, and also lift improbably higher. Practically off her forehead. ]

 

WOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER FELT LESS MATING FONDNESS FOR SOMEONE BEFORE! VERY DEFINITELY NO.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, TECHNICALLY. IF YOU WANT TO WAGGLE THEM AT ME, CARE TO ELABORATE WHY OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND HOPE I STEW IN MY ALL-CONSUMING CURIOSITY?

 

-to no one in particular- Well, at least he's blunt when he wants to be.

 

One, if you know he made a deal I really hope he also told you about the bit where our scaly acquaintance there is in the habit of eating people who don't offer proper payment.

Two, a commoner just barging right up to a spirit and expecting to get anything besides "dead" for making demands is kinda hilarious!

 

GOSH IT IS ALMOST LIKE I AM PISSED OFF I WONDER WHY THAT COULD BE

I WAS PREVIOUSLY INFORMED. SHOCKINGLY, IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO SIT BACK AND DECIDE THAT MAYBE THE ASSHOLE WHO CAN **CONTROL TIME** IS JUST A TINY, MINISCULE BIT MORE IMPORTANT THAN A DUMBSHIT BULGEWEAL WHO HASN'T ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING OF NOTE IN NINE SWEEPS DESPITE AMPLE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE MORE THAN A LEECH.

I'M HARDLY WORTH THE AIR I USE UP, AT LEAST I CAN MAKE AN ATTEMPT TO FIX HIS STUPID SELF-SACRIFICIAL FUCKUPS.

[this is said without even an ounce of self-awareness; he's being completely sincere]

 

'T's not like people didn't tell him it was a bad idea.

Oh! That's right! I was pointing and laughing, wasn't I? For not thinking through a deal with an entity known for deal-based fuckery.

Speaking of, you might want to consider what you're offering for something that may or may not be possible. Or not.

No skin off my back, and 'save a loved one' isn't really my domain. Opposite, really- I'm not exactly shy about the dead girlfriend.

 

[Popcorn! Delightful sludge popcorn!]
Okay but he's already paid by Scales' rules, I'm pretty sure if you want him un-kissed you'll have to ask him to do the rewinding.

 

YEAH, HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING, AS FAR AS HE KNEW THE RULES. HE'S NOT AN IDIOT, BUT NEITHER AM I.

IF IT'S NOT POSSIBLE I WILL HARNESS EVERY OUNCE OF INFLUENCE I HAVE OVER THIS PUNISHMENT REALM AND **MAKE** IT POSSIBLE, I SWEAR TO FUCK.

YEAH, IT'S NOT THAT EASY. I HAVE A RUDIMENTARY UNDERSTANDING OF TEMPORAL MECHANICS, AND IF HE WERE GOING TO GO BACK AND STOP HIMSELF HE ALREADY WOULD HAVE. NO DICE. EITHER HE DOESN'T AND THIS IS A DOOMED TIMELINE OR HE DOESN'T AND IS RIGHT ABOUT NOTHING HERE MATTERING.

THEY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT TERMINATING CONTRACTS. I WANT TO TERMINATE IT, AND I'M OK WITH BEING THE EARLY CANCELLATION FEE IF I'VE GOT TO.

 

Your call! [She shrugs.] Being polite'll probably earn you a little more goodwill, though, just as a suggestion.

 

-makes a little click/'tch' noise of amusement-

Some epics start this way. "I will sacrifice for my loved one!" "My loved one's an idiot, I'll sacrifice for them!" "I'll sacrifice to make their sacrifice void!"

Six years later the two of you are sitting in the ashes wondering where you fucked up, everything's on fire, and still neither of you've realized you've shattered your own legs- the demons just had to hand you the hammer.

...

Good thing my overseer can't find me here or he'd be screaming for me to stick his dick in it like a goddamn beehive.

 

[an expressionless, pizza-less version of the community pizza gif, performed by dave strider for your viewing pleasure]

hey karkat a concept for you
it completely defeats the entire purpose of my cool new hand tat if you put on a fucking steak costume and hold up a neon sign that says EAT ME PLEASE around a bunch of hungry fuckers

stop trying to off yourself for five fucking minutes please and listen to the shit youre saying
if im more "useful" by whatever stupid goddamn metric youre using am i not more equipped to handle shit when it gets nasty
plus like idk if you noticed while you were shoveling manure for the shitfit but uh i did kind of do that so you wouldnt be in danger SO YKNOW

sounds about fuckin right
karkat if you dont knock it off i will sit on you until you give up i will smack you with plush puppet ass

 

[Popcorn intensifies. And liquifies. Just drink the grey goo, just do it.]

 

-it's yours now bro-

 

I HAVE A HORRENDOUS AND GRUESOME CONDITION THAT RENDERS ME PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF BEING CORDIAL

NO, BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! PELT ME WITH FELT HEINIE IF YOU REALLY MUST, BUT WE BOTH KNOW I'M RIGHT.

"OH KARKAT IS STRESSED OUT ABOUT THIS, LET'S SOLVE IT BY DOING SOMETHING EVEN MORE STUPID, I'M SURE THIS WILL BE FINE!" AND THEN YOU FROLIC INTO A BEAUTIFUL VALLEY LADEN WITH FUCKING CHOLERBEAST TRAPS, WHISTLING CHEERFULLY AS YOU FLING YOURSELF OFF A CLIFF

 

-oh hey look knights being knight-y and self-sacrifice shit has her suddenly disinclined to share her bottle and chaining cigs so fast she's not really even waiting for them to burn down all the way-

-thisisfine.png-