shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

What's an alchemiter it sounds awesome.

-throws her arms up, winces a little- I know, right?! Not even the first day into things and I got shot in the leg by some crazy fucker. I was trying to help! People were scared and hurt and I had medical supplies and knowledge how to use them. You'd fuckin think playing wandering doctor would make them less inclined to shoot me but fucking noo, half of them wouldn't even say anything. First fucking day in quarantine and people are already shooting on sight. It just got worse after that and I stopped bothering. Fuck all y'all, I approach with my axe ready these days. Fortunately things started in the ass end of nowhere so finding a place to hole up was pretty easy. I don't gotta worry about zombies or idiot survivors that much. Some zombies wander through, but other than the goddamn dumbass with the helicopter I'm too far from population centers for a hoard to come through, and I haven't seen a single survivor in a half-mile any direction.

I was planning on making, like... a bigger longsword? Leaning two-hander, but not so big I can't use it in one, just in case. I'm gonna have to read that book again and listen to the Smith a bit to be sure. But if you've got suggestions. The cool thing about making my own is if I do it have decent I can decorate it. Morale is important!

 

so if this sounds like a crazy stupid video game the reason why is that my planet done got blowed up by a crazy stupid video game
its a big fuckin piece of equipment that you can use along with a couple other doohickeys to take normal items and mix them up into bigger better badasser things
like check out this sweet suit i made with a poster and a different tux

[he changes into four aces suited with a little flourish]

wow what fuckin dickholes id have stopped helping too
yall assholes can get tetanus and die from stepping on a nail if youre just gonna fire at anybody whos nice enough not to shoot first

[dave decaptchalogues almost every single one of his swords and doesn't even flinch at the clang of metal when they land in a shitty heap at his feet. the sord..... gets recaptchalogued almost immediately after]

go ahead and like fuck with these if you wanna
get a feel for what shit works best for you i guess
i havent got like a rapier or anything but i think those are kind of shit for hacking through like
meat
most of these are pretty uh ridiculous and you probably couldnt recreate them in apocalypse town but theyre still probably good for testing out styles and weights

 

Nice, gave you a good cut on it too. I'd love something like that, goddamn.

Um. Sorry 'bout your planet, too.

Damn straight. Doesn't help that there's this asshole Judge on TV talking about guns and 'trust no-one but your shotgun' like he's rubbing one out the whole time.

-shiny eyes, total kid in candy store expression- Rapier's probably useless on the zombies, you generally gotta hack 'em to death or leave giant bullet holes in 'em. -she picks up one at random, her body shifting into stance easily- she also seems more straight-backed and 'fight the world' confident, but her expression is more like she's a little surprised but rolling with it under a layer of no-shits-given-

 

ikr
and sokay we got another one

ew christ on a cracker
course you keep tv running but you put that shit on there instead of like idk sesame street anything could be better than a pompous shitlick sucking his own dick on live tv for everyone to see and telling his loyal viewership to do the same

scuse you im gonna pinprick every zombie to double death just you watch me

[dave looks at her form and nods just a bit before he decaptchalogues caledfwlch and turns it over in his hands]
do you need/want a partner to spar with or are you good swinging shit around like an asshole on your own
this place is like some harry potter room of requirement shit too so if you want i can make some training dummies

 

That's good at least.

Actually the local kid's channel managed to stay on pretty long. I managed to break into a liquor store without attracting a worryingly close hoard because someone left it on in their motel room next door. I could hear some superhero show the whole time I was looting the place. But the news channels have been priority, though the small local one went down early after everyone caught the infection, and Judge Shithead has been making speeches and being Easy News when everything else is hard to look at.

-she tilts her head thoughtfully for a moment, like she's listening to something only she can hear- Hitting something would be easier, get a feel for the impact. Up to you if it's a training dummy or you.

 

hate to be a buzzkill but you couldnt hit me if you fuckin tried im all sorts of gifted
that in mind here we go

[he waves his hand, and several sturdy-looking cloth and wood dummies appear. they have been lovingly decorated in dave's trademark style. one of them has "DONG (aim here!!)" written on the crotch, while another has roller skates on and through the powers of rave magic is moving around erratically]

 

-fucking laughs, which looks very at odds with Serious Proper Stance- If I ever internet again I'm saving 'strawman on skates.' I'mma make it a meme.

 

©©©®™
how the fuck am i supposed to become a world renowned media sensation if my creative genius gets sapped up and turned into memes by someone who isnt me
my beautiful son has a life of his own now
hes got his own tumblr
hes got sweaty fanfiction
people are stanning for the strawman in defense of his honor

look at what youve done
[the dummy on skates bumps into her before changing directions and aimlessly wanders around by dave, who valiantly resists the urge to trip his darling son]

 

I DRANK BONE HURTING JUICE. IT TASTES GOOD!

 

speaking of memes
how many fucking shitpost levels are you even on right now dude

 

THE BONE HURTING JUICE IS REAL!!!!

 

sweet bro is real too he sucked my dick in the arbys parking lot

 

WHERE IS THE ARBYS' PARKING LOT?

 

at arbys

 

WHERE IS ARBYS?

 

next to the arbys parking lot

 

BUT WHERE IS THE ARBYS' PARKING LOT?

 

i told you bro its at arbys
where else would a parking lot be except at the location that the parking lot is for
its fuckin elementary dude let me school you
im the hot teacher everyone gets their first crush on cause my slacks hug my ass just right
and this ass?
its prime real estate

 

WHERE IS ARBYS' THEN?

 

here comes some hot knowledge served to you direct from my chalkboard to your
well not your brain you clearly dont have any meat on you or in you

arbys is next to the arbys parking lot obviously
it just makes sense that itd be next to the parking lot so that hungry customers dont have to trek five miles uphill to get some meat emotionlessly slapped between two buns by an underpaid teenager whos probably had five soccer moms yell at them just this afternoon
can you imagine how much more yelling thered be if people were cranky from their days journey on top of the middle aged pissiness