What are your fan fiction gripes?

Time for a strangely specific complaint!

So, let's say you have a universe made up of lots of giant robots (it transformers) where there are guys and gals and some writing biases creep through on 'girls act like this and guys act like that', but for the most part, everybody is existing and fighting in a war and/or living their life. Easy enough.

Now, let's say that for reasons, you want to write a fake marriage fic with a hilariously mismatched odd couple. Yes hi hello I am here for this tell me more

And as of when this fic was written, transformers marriage is canon. Conjunx endurae, a partnership between equals, the way, y'know, marriage is kinda supposed to be.

So, instead........ why don't we split that up? Now a 'conjunx' is the spouse in the Manly Role, and the 'endura' is the spouse in the Womanly Role. Like, I am all for busting down gender roles, and this doesn't conform to an actual gender divide in terms of the characters, but this supposedly-gender-neutral dynamic is hitting every possible dated sexist fifties stereotype. This setting is the characters being fake married to infiltrate a conservative, isolated space farming community out in the space boonies, but my god, this gets out of control.

Okay, anyone who's watched TFA: Sentinel and Bulkhead, going back out to the farming community where Bulkhead grew up. Bulkhead is the Man robot, Sentinel is the Woman.

Spoiler: nsfw and long? idkkkkk

This follows the transformers xeno where everyone has both sets of sexy bits, but in this community, the Man robots only use their spike and the Woman robots only use their valve. And also they're obligated to get their spike removed, permanently capped, or sealed with a cap that can only be removed by their partner. If, you know, the couple is SUPER kinky. This is to the extent that when our fake-married Woman robot is found to have an uncapped spike, the community religious leaders are like so ummm we're going to take that off RIGHT NOW or you can pick a cap, one of those options.

Also the Woman robots are BABY FACTORIES. Like, this is the thing their lives revolve around. Trying to get pregnant. Oh, and they make baked goods while their husbands do the farming work, and also they sexually service their husbands. Like, a LOT. But don't worry, the Man robots are doing right by their partners! They buy these giant space robots of all genders frilly dresses and BOWS to put on their ROBOT HEADS and also this story makes a lot of crotchless panties being a gr8 present. So they're always sexually accessible, dontcha know.

And the one character signed up for this under the conditions of fake marriage, this isn't for real, this isn't happening, we're going to touch sparks in public once and potentially more if we have to keep up the act convincingly, that's IT, the rest is roleplay.

Smash cut to PUBLIC GROUP SEX, ALL THE TIME, that he never consented to. Where the first one takes him completely by surprise, even though Bulkhead pretty much knew this was coming, and muffles Sentinel's attempted protests. And proceeds with the nonconsensual public sexing. The painful nonconsensual public sexing, because Bulkhead is very large compared to Sentinel. The nonconsensual, painful public sexing where after round one, Sentinel tries to make a graceful exit to help some of the other Woman robots fetch more baked goods (because WOMEN), and Bulkhead doesn't let him. Oh, and at the end, when his junk is pretty sore from how it's been overtaxed, all the Man robots plug up their jizz in the Women, so Bulkhead does the same to Sentinel!

Oh, but he reassures Sentinel that this only happens when the farmers have free time together, which isn't often at all! So that's good, right!

And then he says it's usually only two or three couples getting busy like this.

Smash cut to mandatory prayer time where all the Women have a replica of their Man's dick inside them for hours and hours.

Also smash cut to the religious people asking Sentinel to be the harvest queen, and guess whether or not this means more public sex! Yes, obviously it does, but it means Bulkhead sexes up Sentinel in front of a crowd, people come up to clean off this couple's junk with their mouths, but only three or four people can do that before you have to get sexy again to get more fluids all over yourself! Many many MANY rounds of sexing. That Sentinel was not at all warned about beforehand.

Oh, also as harvest queen you have to be in the middle of a bukkake circle nobody ever told you about because FERTILITY or something those are the rules uwu

Also more massive group sex thing where you have to have sex (and orgasm) every hour on the hour for twelve hours, and nobody warned you about this beforehand either.

And miscellaneous other sex scenes that were rarely comfortable things, but they didn't stick out to me as much as these.

Also you've got to wear purty dresses and crotchless panties all the time because ??????

Oh, and Bulkhead, who is THE BIGGEST SWEETHEART in the original canon is like 'gosh, it sure would be nice if Sentinel was pregnant with my babies for real' and.... starts lacing all his food with aphrodisiacs, so that Sentinel will start things with him, even in private. And Bulkhead is SOOOOO SURPRISED by this that he starts making audio recordings of Sentinel initiating every time, to prove that it isn't him doing it! :O And hahaha, he can't believe this is still working, hasn't Sentinel caught on yet? But Bulkhead wants to buy him this super pretty dress next time the merchant comes into town, so it's okay.

Also these guys aren't operating in complete isolation, people from mainstream cybertron come by every so often and are just like SHRUG :) That's rough, but we sure do need that information that you guys are trying to collect!

And when Sentinel runs out of birth control because nobody ever told him that he was going to be forced to do all this public sex stuff all the time, his colleagues are like 'WHOOPS, this was a surprise visit so I couldn't bring any! And I can't mail you any for some reason. Or make another visit. Nope'

So of course Sentinel gets pregnant.

But like, okay. I could be on board with all this stuff (except Bulkhead being so shitty about consent and such an asshole) if it was framed in a kink way. Which it... kind of is. But it's also framed in a wholesome way, where all this stuff is legitimately desirable, and it's SO, SO WEIRD. The story and all the characters roll their eyes at Sentinel being uncomfortable with things like I dunno, the prospect of getting half his junk permanently removed. And this is right down to god Primus himself blessing Sentinel's new baby-making ways by..... making god jizz come out of a dildo Sentinel was sucking on for some religious ceremony, I don't even know, but I am not even kidding, I am DEAD SERIOUS. That is what happened.

And at the end, Sentinel's (single) friends (from normal cybertron) are watching the community being like gosh, gender roles! And babies! Mostly babies. Would you look at all these babies!!!

Smash cut to an epilogue where Sentinel doesn't even say a word because he spends the entire time sucking on Bulkhead's dick. In fact, only half the characters there say a word! Because all those single friends who were marveling at babies, SURPRISE! They're all paired off now, and all the Woman robots are on their second set of kids, they're all pregnant, all in pretty dresses the Man robots bought for them, and when a Man says something that's a little too condescending, they communicate their displeasure by pouting around his dick :( That's a little bit of an exaggeration, but BARELY. Sentinel never wanted kids, but now he's adopted twins, he's had twins, and he's pregnant with another set of twins. Something something wow they sure are all super fertile, it must be that Primus himself wants this to happen. THE END

What did I just read. Why did I just read so much of it.

I brought this on myself, because when you search for explicit transformers breastfeeding fics, you are going to be scraping the bottom of a very strange barrel, but just. What.

 

It is ;u;

And because I'm a glutton for punishment and just noticed the series label, I just read the little sequel one-shots.

I'm a big fan of guilt-free kinkfests, but man was the framing weird in this one. I think... What they did with Bulkhead is really D: Because it's so easy to have someone being sympathetic and easing the other person along, and he's a nice guy, but all the characterization in this was just like *eyeroll* 'I don't know why he's arguing about this ughhh whatever rape time now'. And I never saw Sentinel getting excited about the thing, I mostly just saw him being like NO and then having to do the thing anyways. Until the end, where sudden brain rewiring annnnd everything is good :V Which seems like the most basic shape for a story like that? 'I don't want to do the thing, but I will, and, and I think I maybe am enjoying it, maybe just a little, OH YES MORE PLEASE'. But almost every scene left out those nicer bits :T

It's such a shame, because it is very much my kind of guilt-free kinkfest. But that framing tho