April's Brain Journal

sometimes i think about how often, in dead dove content, it's the rapist/abuser characters in the dynamic that i end up projecting on and identifying with and exploring the mental/emotional state of, and it bothers me. logically it shouldn't, because i know that fiction isn't reality and all, but it does. guh.

 

I mean, but you understand that you are doing it. Like, thats one of the reasons that I think that people should explore stuff like this through fiction, because its easier to think about this stuff when its projected away from yourself, easier to examine the thoughts and behaviours. From what you say I don't think that you're making excuses for the characters. You're just exploring them.

(I'm sorry if this is unwelcome)

 

i don't think there's anything wrong with that, it can be fascinating to think about and is a mental exercise. it's a different form of control! it's a good way to pick at things and explore and think about stuff in different ways

 

WHIPLASH HYPERFOCUS JOURNEYS ARE A HELL OF A DRUG

(not ignoring you guys' posts btw i just got no focus today, i appreciate em tho <3)

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

squints at my dang brain

mister

 

woke up at 5am this morning, which sucked, but i got home and then actually managed an unexpected three-hour nap and now i feel a whole lot less of the drowning-sonic-music sense of reasonless boredom and panic from yesterday; i think lack of sleep probably had to do with it.

 

big mood and also i have actual furniture now :DDD

 

also good lord i am generally extremely chill about shipping and how people do it but i have, in villainous, finally found a fandom with shipping that consistently makes me

 

i don't even really go here but like. okay. look. the dynamics in canon are pretty fuckin abusive, okay, they're more or less bearable to watch and enjoy because they're cartoony and outlandish Classic Villain/Minion Interaction and played for fairly dark humor

so your options here are:

) fic/shipping with canon-typical goofy outlandish tone, keeping the abusive dynamics

) fic/shipping with canon-typical tone, tweaking the dynamic to superficially resemble what we see in canon without actually being abusive or removing it entirely to make the ship healthy(er)

) fic/shipping with darker or more realistic tone, keeping/exploring the abusive dynamics

) fic/shipping with darker or more realistic tone, tweaking or removing dynamic to make it healthier

for the love of god, for the love of GOD, don't try to write a story with a more realistic tone where you proceed as if the ship is healthy WHILE HAVING IT DISPLAY OPENLY, EXPLICITLY ABUSIVE DYNAMICS

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF THESE PEOPLE HOLY FUCKING SHIT

 

Spoiler: abuse stuff mentions

like, there's usually no tagging for abuse in these stories even when you have moments like black hat intentionally making a quick movement with his hand to try to make flug flinch in terror because he's not doing what he's told, or telling him he can't leave his employment (where he is treated like shit and put through all kinds of abuse) because the contract he signed basically means he owns him until he dies, and then explicitly tag it non-abusive because he promises he'll 'be nicer to [him]'!!!!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

http://words4bloghere.tumblr.com/post/161203839740/redemption#notes

THIS IS NOT INTENDED AS A DEAD DOVE FIC AND SNAKES ARE MANIFESTING IN MY HOUSE PHYSICALLY

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF WORDS OF OFFPUTTING STRICKLAKE FORGIVENESS FIC ON AO3 AND THIS ONE TOOK THE CROWN IN LESS THAN 900 WORDS

 

things to expand on when i am more brain: the 'get your hands out of my range of vision/Stop Helping Me!' principle when trying to help/comfort people

 

think my plan of action for this morning is going to be to call in and say 'hi, i received some pretty severe verbal abuse and harassment last night from a number of coworkers, including two managers, and because i have no reason to believe it won't continue today or that anyone would be stopped or held accountable if it did, i'm calling the union rep for advice about how to proceed before i come back to work. see you sunday.'

 

aaarrgghh, counterphobia can be a real bitch. i hear 'this person's an anti, or might be,' and i'm immediately driven to go search their blog for not only evidence, but the Worst Thing They've Said/Reblogged on the Subject. and the temptation just keeps itching at me to go and look again for months and years afterward, but i don't have a good idea of what i can do to pursue the counterphobic processing that's less likely to just swing back around and punch me in the dick with more trauma. >:/

 

unrelated but i just realized i defaulted to spelling 'frustration noises' like aaarrgghh's name and it is amusing

 

.....except i misspelled it it's aaarrrgghh with three r's, GOOD JOB ME

 

see i finally broke and went and looked for the thing and now i'm not bothered at all! just. massive anxiety until facing the thing head-on, increasing as get closer to the thing but Not Ever Decreasing--even if i stay far away--until it's Conquered. then, you know, whatever feelings i have about the thing, but a whole lot less [INTERNAL SCREAMING AND PARALYSIS]

but also i'm not sure how healthy that is. blgh

 

things that are very reassuring in regards to my emotional reactions to moirail and her interests: i've grown apart from my friend maddy over the years, and she unashamedly has a blast with Cringey Fandoms(tm) because shit man that's what she likes, but my gut reaction to seeing her draw or get into obscure or 'cringey' fandoms is 'aw nice i'm so glad you're having fun dude c':' instead of 'RAGE AND DISGUST SPIRAL'

which makes me feel a lot more legitimate in my hurt and upset toward moirail, because i've been worried for a long while that really she didn't do anything wrong, i'm just a Bad Friend who doesn't want to be associated with Cringey Fandoms and has been looking for excuses to drop her because of that blah blah blah

but no as it turns out cringe still don't bother me that much as long as it doesn't come with gross behavior

thank god

 

things that are Very Difficult: manhandling a bike around town, over a train and bus and down four flights of airport stairs, after trying to learn how to ride it for two straight hours without much success, when you had zero previous skill or experience with handling a bike before you put your hands on it, while also toting around a large bag of your stuff+purse that probably needs some inventory management

i am home, fairly proud, and Very Tired