[nsfw] Iyaan, Karkat-kun: Let's Homestuck some Hentai

Oh, Karkat, you shouty dork XD

 

Thank you, guys! Equius is my favorite troll, but I relate far too much to Karkat.

....annnd imgur is overcapacity again, so there will be delays.

 

Someone sounding suspiciously like Eridan was yelling out in the hall, but Karkat's already got a fairly strong suspicion what he'll find.



SHOCK OF THE CENTURY, IT'S DIRK AND HAL HUMPING IN THE HALL WITH NO REGARD TO THE MENTAL WELL-BEING OF PEOPLE AROUND THEM.



RAISING A MIDDLE FINGER TO TRUE ROMANCE, TEREZI, WHAT ELSE IS NEW. STEP BACK, I'LL HANDLE THIS.



I KNOW, HOW DARE I ASK YOU TWO FECULENT BULGEBITING CHUMPS TO TAKE IT SOMEWHERE PRIVATE. WHEN WILL MY TERRIBLE REIGN OF SELF-RESPECT END?



I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU, DIRK. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO THINK THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO COULD STAND YOUR TOUCH IS YOURSELF, AND I ADMIT I WAS EVEN A LITTLE IMPRESSED BY HAL, BUT HE'S TAKING UP ALL YOUR TIME AND ENERGY. YOU HAVE FRIENDS, DIRK. HOBBIES. DON'T FORGET THEM OR YOU'LL WAKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZE YOU HAVE NOTHING *BUT* HAL LEFT IN YOUR LIFE.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE GO INTO THE CLASSROOM. I'LL PULL UP A CHAIR AND WE CAN JUST TALK. RAP, IF YOU WILL.



GODDAMMIT, DIRK, I AM TRYING TO *HELP*.

HEY, NEW KID, PAY ATTENTION. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE GETTING YOUR BULGE WET A PRIORITY. YOU'RE PROBABLY TOO SMART TO FALL FOR THAT, RIGHT?



SMART *AND* HUMBLE, WHAT A PRIZE OUR CLASS AS BEEN GIFTED.



*SHRIEK*

I MEAN. WHAT? YOU WANT TO TALK?



I GUESS IT'S NOT A BAD SMILE IF YOU LIKE WAKING UP WITH COLD SWEATS AND THE STENCH OF FEAR.

Tavros still isn't here, so let's go deflate Sollux's giant head.



YOU SAY THAT, BUT THEN YOU SPEND EVERY LUNCH SLEEPING. I WOULD HATE TO SEE WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE JUST SHITTING AROUND.

SERIOUSLY, HOW DO YOU ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING WHEN YOU'RE SUCH A NOOKSHITTING DOUCHEPRESS?



REAL MATURE, SOLLUX. JUST WHAT I'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM A BLITHERING WRIGGLER LIKE YOU.

Before class, let's practice with sickles!



WHAT THE - GREEN KID? YOU'RE IN MY CLUB TOO?



WELCOME TO STRIFE 101, KID. THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, I AM NOW YOUR GOD.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.



THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY...



...AROUND A MOUTHFUL OF DIRT WHILE I'M PRESSING MY FUCKING BOOT UP THEIR ASSES.

NOT BAD, THOUGH. KEEP PRACTICING AND MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO BEAT ME SOMEDAY.



THAT'S PRECIOUS, NEW KID, BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED.



FUCK OFF AND LEARN HOW TO LOSE. IT'S SOMETHING THAT WILL HAPPEN OFTEN IN YOUR LIFE, I'M SURE.



OH, REALLY? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY IT, NEW KID. SCHOOL IS IN FUCKING SESSION.



SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY? HAVE WE LEARNED NOT TO BE SUCH A PUSTULENT LOONEYBLOCK DUMBFUCK?



YEAH.

I *THOUGHT* SO.

 

Yes beat up that new kid!

 

Improbable Investigators, go!

 

Caliborn is already getting into fights for literally no reason I'd say the characterization is again spot on!

 

WELCOME TO STRIFE CLUB. THE FIRST RULE OF STRIFE CLUB IS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT STRIFE CLUB.
THE SECOND RULE OF STRIFE CLUB IS: YOU DO *NOT* TALK ABOUT STRIFE CLUB!
THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: SOMEONE YELLS "STOP!", GOES LIMP, TAPS OUT, THE STRIFE IS OVER.
FOURTH RULE: ONLY TWO TROLLS TO A STRIFE.
FIFTH RULE: ONE STRIFE AT A TIME, WRIGGLERS.
SIXTH RULE: NO POWERS, NO SHOES.
SEVENTH RULE: STRIFES WILL GO ON AS LONG AS THEY HAVE TO.
AND THE EIGHTH AND FINAL RULE: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME AT STRIFE CLUB...

... YOU HAVE TO STRIFE.

 

Gosh, thanks for the compliments, guys!

 

I'm on this ship.

 

I am so so happy that Caliborn called Karkat an insect. All things considered. Hell yes.

 

YEAH, I MET HIM. GREAT GUY. LOVES PICKING FIGHTS HE CAN'T FUCKING WIN.



OH GOD, THERE'S TWO OF THEM.



OH, REALLY. TELL ME, DID YOU THINK OF THAT LINE WHILE YOU WERE SUCKING DOWN DAVE'S HUMAN BULGE OR WHILE YOU WERE HUMPING ERIDAN BY THE POOL WHILE PRESUMABLY CRYING?

I'LL GET TO YOU LATER, YOU FUCKING CHARLATAN, I'M SEEING DOUBLE AND I NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.



WOW, YOU TWO LOOK ALMOST EXACTLY ALIKE. ALMOST LIKE YOU SHARE THE SAME BODY, BUT WHAT KIND OF TRITE LITERARY DEVICE WOULD THAT BE, AM I RIGHT? HA HA.

LET'S CHAT.



SURE, MAKES SENSE. I PERSONALLY HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN CHASE FADS, LIKE FONDLE MY SHAMEGLOBES WITH A CACTUS, BUT I SEE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.

YOU'RE A LOT NICER THAN YOUR SHITCLOWN OF A BROTHER, CALLIOPE. MAYBE YOU'LL BE A GOOD INFLUENCE ON THE REST OF THESE IMBECILES.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE.



YOU CAN START BY LOOKING UP THE DEFINITION OF FIDELITY, TAVROS. JUST A SUGGESTION. AND DON'T TELL ME THEY WERE IN DIFFERENT QUARDRANTS, THIS GAME DOESN'T RECOGNIZE SUCH AN ELEGANT CULTURAL STANDARD, SADLY.

BUT...

SHIT, THIS IS HARD.

LOOK, IT'S OVER, TAVROS. I MIGHT NOT LIKE MYSELF VERY MUCH, BUT I DON'T QUITE HATE MYSELF ENOUGH TO LET YOU TAKE A STEAMING SHIT ALL OVER MY FEELINGS AND STILL PRETEND YOU CARE ABOUT ME.



GOOD. YOU SHOULD BE. THAT CHANGES NOTHING, THOUGH. WE'RE BREAKING UP.



WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT ANGER, TAVROS? IT'S THE ONLY THING I CAN RELY ON IN THIS COLD, SAKURA PETAL INFESTED, EYE SPARKLING ABYSS.

NOW FUCKING ACCEPT THAT THIS THING BETWEEN US IS DONE!



DOING WHAT, PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN? YOU KNOW WHAT, I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. IF YOU GAVE A LUMPSQUIRTING SHIT ABOUT MY FEELINGS, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON ME TO BEGIN WITH.

SOLLUX. LET'S GO TO THE LIBRARY, I NEED TO PUT MY FACE IN A BOOK AND SCREAM.



YEAH, YEAH, COME ON YOU RANCID EXCUSE FOR A FRIEND.



I DON'T KNOW WHAT CRAWLED UP YOUR GLOWING WASTECHUTE AND DIED, KANAYA, BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME WE PUT ASIDE THE PAST AND WORKED TOGETHER TO BRING ORDER TO THIS FROTHING LOONEYBLOCK EXCUSE FOR A SCHOOLHIVE?



OF COURSE NOT, WHAT WAS I THINKING. I FORGOT YOU'VE STILL GOT YOUR TONGUE FIRMLY AFFIXED TO JANE'S VARIOUS ORIFICES. HAVE FUN WITH THAT, KANAYA, I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE, CHOKING BACK BILE.



I DO, NEPETA, I REALLY DO, BUT YOU SEE, *SOME* OF US TAKE OUR ROLES AS FUCKWIT WHISPERER SERIOUSLY.

I'LL GO ASHEN ON THE WHOLE GODDAMN SCHOOL, NEPETA, DON'T FUCKING TEST ME.



I NEED YOU TO STOP SKIPPING CLASS AND TRAIN FOR OUR CLUB MORE.



And then Karkat nearly shed a single tear.

 

I BEAT YOUR GREEN ASS TWICE AND NOW YOU LIKE ME? IS THIS A CHERUB THING? THANKS, I GUESS.



I SEE WE HAVE SIMILAR TASTES IN OBSCENELY RED SPEEDOS.



ABOUT WHAT?



GOOD TO KNOW, CALIBORN, GOOD TO KNOW. THOSE STAIRS OVER THERE ARE WARPING FROM ALL THE FUCK FLUIDS FROM DIRK AND HAL, AND I GUESS SOMEONE SHOULD CLEAN UP AROUND HERE.

ANYWAY, I'M OFF TO GO QUESTION MY LIFE SOME MORE, SEE --



HE *WHAT*



OH NO.



WELL, TIME FOR ME TO GO PERFORATE HUSSIE'S BONE BULGE WITH FEFERI'S CULLING FORK.



WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO FUCK MY BOYFRIEND, DAVE? WAS IT NOT ENOUGH TO DRIP YOUR FLUIDS ON NEARLY HALF THE SCHOOL?

FOR FUCK'S JUNGLEHUMPING SAKE, DAVE, THE MAN IS OUR TEACHER.



OH, *YOU'RE* ANGRY? I'M ABOUT TO ERUPT A WHOLE GODDAMN VOLCANO OF BLISTERING FUCK YOU ON HUSSIE SO INTENSE THIS SCHOOL WILL BE NOTHING BUT A JIZZ-COATED CRATER BY THE TIME I'M DONE.

YOU!



CONGRATULATIONS, YOU DUMB BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE, THAT IMPERSONATION OF A HALFWAY DECENT SCHOOLFEEDER YOU HAD GOING WAS PRETTY CONVINCING UP INTO YOU FELL ASSBACKWARDS INTO THE MOST ILLEGAL OF YAOIS.

GET YOUR ORANGE ASS OVER HERE, WE NEED TO TALK, *NOW*.



YOUR FRIEND AND MINE, THE MAGIC STATUE BEHIND MY STRIFE DOJO, JUST TOLD ME A FASCINATING LITTLE NUGGET OF SHIT. YOU'RE DATING DAVE?



YOU'RE SAYING IT'S PLATONIC? THE STATUE DOESN'T LIE, SENSEI. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT.

AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO ADMIT IT OUTRIGHT, BUT I'M FUCKING WATCHING YOU. LEAVE ROOM FOR JEGUS, HUSSIE, OR YOUR ASS IS FIRED.



TEMPTING, ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT I'VE JUST HAD TO DEAL WITH, BUT I'VE GOT A LOT ON MY NUTRITION PLATEAU RIGHT NOW.

ERIDAN, YOU'RE WITH EQUIUS NOW, RIGHT?



WHATEVER, EVERYONE HEARD YOU SQUEALING IN THE SHOWERS YESTERDAY. LOOK, JUST TREAT HIM RIGHT, OKAY?

I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD A CHANCE, BUT PAST ME WAS A NAIVE IDIOT. PAST ME HADN'T LEARNED YET THAT I'M CLEARLY CURSED.



OH MY BULGEBLISTERING WHIMSICAL SHIT, WOULD IT KILL YOU MORONS TO STOP SKIPPING CLASS?



OH, WAS I NOT CLEAR?

GO TO FUCKING CLASS, DAVEPETA.

 

Oh gods, I was waiting for Hussie to hook up with someone. I knew it would happen!

 

HUSSIE WHY.

 

I'm just surprised it wasn't Vriska.

 

I'm fucking dying I choked on coke, waking up to this is a gift
the 'I refuse' I can't
I caNNOT DEAL WITH THIS IT IS MAJESTIC

 

Oh my god, Karkat you delightful screechfetus. I'm so happy.

 

Can Hussie get fired? If so, can Condy be the teacher?