shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"Well basically..."

[Her voice switched to her secondary, definitely more masculine voice.]

"I have two distinct vocal ranges? It's kind of why I'm famous."

"Sorry to hear about the meltdown though. And what's a 'Bepis'?"

 

[Snickering]

 

holy shit thats cool as hell im jealous
a bepis is like

[urge to troll...rising]
its privileged information im not sure im at liberty to tell you

 

"One of those other things I'm of above-average measurements in. Okay."

[Another slurp of coffee to hide the smirk on her face.]

 

Whatever it is you are saying I am pretty sure you have grasped the exact opposite of the problem in your dirty hands to self service with. No. Stop.

The only way to force me to chill is jettisoning me into a blackhole in a tiny escape pod and hoping I never come out again. And I know the idea is tempting but I'll redefine Empurata by gnawing someone's face off for it if I catch them planning that slag.

 

well
hm
i feel like i just got owned and its such a new experience that im not really sure what to say
let me just savor this moment who knows when itll next happen
maybe a hundred years from now
maybe never

 

"Really? You're giving up just like that?"

 

Rock on, dude, we ain't here for that readjustment slag.

 

look this is a dark road laced with fruedian slips and shame that im not sure you want me to take you down
getting me talking about dicks or anything that sounds vaguely phallic is a recipe for disaster no other ingredients required
i guess what im saying is do you really want to open pandoras box here because theres no putting the dongs back in the box once you do
keep shoving but theyre not gonna stop jutting impudently and shit
its what they were born to do

 

"If you want to. I mean, this is ninety percent of backstage commentary if I'm not taking a nap."

"Except if Teto is there. She plugs her ears and does the whole 'La La La' thing, which just means that we're shouting at each other about dicks and missile tits."

[Slurp.]

 

its less that i want to slash choose to and more like the dam breaks on a fuckin biblical flood of bullshit and it surges forth unbidden
and not that many folks are equipped to ride the bukkake wave without falling in and drowning
yall are welcome to try and brave the salty seas but im pretty sure fucking charybdis lives down there slurping up any who stray too close

 

[He flops down into a heap of loose joints and pointy angles]
Good Because I would be even more uncooperative about that than I am about like everything.
[He sighs]
I'm slag at the feelings scrap.

 

SEE, THE THING THAT GETS ME THE MOST ABOUT THIS IS THAT I CAN'T SHAME YOU FOR IT, LEST WE FORGET THAT MY OWN VERBAL COMPULSIONS ARE JUST AS EMBARRASSING. TRULY MY EXISTENCE IS AGONY, WITH EVERY TORMENTED SECOND I MUST GO ON KNOWING THAT I CANNOT ESCAPE MY OWN GROTESQUE IMAGERY

THAT'S THE REAL CURSE, FORGET HOW WEIRD IT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE FEEL. YOU'RE AT THE MERCY OF YOUR OWN DEMENTED SQUAWKBLISTER, FOREVER

 

[...petting the smol lorge son would be weird, wouldn't it. Don't pet strangers, Wires. He offers the popcorn-- which has somehow turned into rustballs-- instead.] Feelings are hard, mech, even when ya got people to help you figure'em out.

 

[He gives the rustballs a long look before delicately taking one and nibbling on it carefully and a lot more prissily than one would probably expect from someone with his manners]
I'd make the joke about "just turn them off" again, but I think that'd just summon Triage, ready to scold about inadvisable medical procedures again, and I don't have it in me to derail the con with hax stuff right now.

 

Pffff. No off switches for us, you know that. [Snacks are good. Munch munch.]

 

[Scanner snickers quietly]
Does anyone truly have an offswitch?

 

I mean, if death counts...

 

*smiles softly* Got it.

*laughs* The kids did eventually 'fess up to it not existing, once I'd actually worked myself up seriously over it. It's dumb that I didn't catch on before that, though. They didn't exactly choose a subtle way to yank my tail.

 

[Scanner rolls his optics, laughing and nibbling on his rustball some more]
And here I was, thinking to myself 'oh no, that's far too morbid, I'll make gramps look all miserable again, I can be a good little scraplet for five kliks while he gives me fuel' and you go and ruin my consideration.