shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"I hope you realise that that's a line of shit. Subjugating...more than half the population, if my calculations are correct, is, in fact, very wrong." Ford raises an eyebrow.

 

"At one time, there were a number of persons who thought that Stanford, one of my matesprits, was a reincarnation of you," Valiska says quietly, her cheeks flushing purple. "I hoped for both of our sakes that it wasn't true, but something about the red blood and the shackle burns combined with his general attitude regarding inequality and injustice made an impression, and the fact that he'd married a hunting cat didn't help. Or hurt, I suppose."

 

"It often does for her," Ford says with a shrug. "My son calls her Mama Cat and he was thirteen when he met her. But her culture is matriarchal in the literal sense--ruled by mothers."

 

Thank You Sir, Youre Too Kind.

Actually Thats Wrong, Miserably Failing At Annoying Him Isnt The Same As Not Trying, Its Not My Fault He Finds My Abrasive Nature And Lethal Lack Of Common Sense Charming Somehow.
Also Thats Not The Second Coming, Like Vantas-Dates-A-Human-Dumbfuck, Thats The Actual First Iteration Of The Signless Sufferer.

 

My name is Kankri.

 

Signless, Sir, Id Rather Not Call You By Something As Undignified As A Wiggler Name.

 

H9w is "Signless" 9r "Sufferer" any 6etter? W9uld y9u enj9y it if I called y9u L9udm9uth Shitlips?

 

...I changed my mind. D9n't answer that.

 

Using a Six Letter Name For And Adult Is Respectless And An Insult, ...

... Besides I Am Already Named Achromat Nichrome, Which I Am Fairly Happy With, But Your Offer Honors Me, Sir.

 

Didn't y9u just g9 9n a diatri6e a69ut h9w disrespecting me was a sign 9f Alternian respect?

 

OH, THAT'S HILARIOUS. NO, FUCKER JUST HAPPENED TO GRANT ME THE GIFT OF USING HIS GENES IN THE ECTOBIOLOGY LAB.

...WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT IT SEEMS A FUCK OF A LOT LESS TERRIFYING THAN "HERE'S ALL THESE PEOPLE YOU MADE, GOOD LUCK"

BUT YES, THERE'S ELEVEN OF US STILL ON-PLANET AND I'VE "GOT" DAVE INASMUCH AS HIS ANTICS ARE INESCAPABLE. I'M, UH. NOT SO GREAT AT SOCIAL NICETIES AND I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU COULD HELP WITH THE INEVITABLE PANIC ATTACKS ABOUT FUCKING UP AN ENTIRE PLANET, BUT I DO APPRECIATE THE GESTURE.

EVEN IF I FEEL A LITTLE BIT LIKE MY LUSUS JUST SENT ME TO MY BLOCK /:B

 

[at the mention of his name, dave looks up from where he's sitting on the floor--he's drawing karkat leading a fleet of dicks into the sunset--and gives a thumbs up]

 

"Sorry," Valiska says, laughing a little. "I'll probably be easier to get along with when I have baby kits to fuss over to my heart's content. As for the panic attacks, I think the operative factor is the part where I say things like 'yes, I felt exactly like that, and I was so embarrassed when I realised what I'd said, but Ford took over and told me to go to bed, and in the end it all worked out just fine, so just let Dave or Rose or Kanaya or whoever it is handle the problem and tell everyone you're sorry later.'"

 

"That might be the problem. There was another guy hanging around here named Kankri and he was the biggest asshole." Ford shrugs. "I'd have a hard time calling anyone half-decent 'Kankri' now, even though I should know better; there are three other individuals who've shown up here called Ford Pines. One of them is a decent guy who's married to someone you could easily mistake for my worst enemy if you didn't know them better, one of them somehow manages to be a chaos magician, a swinger and a prissy moralistic asshole all at once, and the third is an animated pillow."

 

I have been summoned.

 

Well, that's unf9rtunate f9r y9u, 6ecause I w9n't 6e called anything else.

Including "sir". *SIDEEYE CHROMA. Fucker........*

 

Ford's face turns bright red. Why, G-d, why?

 

oh yeah dude we have got karkat freakout procedure down to a SCIENCE dont even worry
at this point theres just like some central command like
sir which fucked up dare i say traumatized dumbass is losing their shit today
and then you activate the appropriate protocol
cause we all flip off the handle often enough to be WELL VERSED in handling everyones varied nonsense
mostly i let him eat my cape slash scream into it and then dispense soothing nonsense like im a conciliatory vending machine
insert panic receive paps

 

YEAH, I HAVE BEEN BODILY HAULED OFF TO CHILL OUT ELSEWHERE MID-PANIC, SO DEALING WITH THEM IS LESS THE ISSUE. I AM EXPERTLY MANAGED LIKE AN ILL-BEHAVED WIGGLER, I'M JUST LAMENTING THE FACT THAT I CAN'T NOT *BE* AN ILL-BEHAVED WIGGLER

 

i swear to god
man
youre not a baby and no one thinks of you like that
im bout to get real gay just fair warning
yes youre intense as fuck but thats because youre a passionate guy and you throw all of yourself into whatever it is youre doing
and sometimes you throw all of yourself into worrying about shit
and no one has to fucking "manage" you so cut that out
people CHOOSE to help you out because people like you and dont want to see you flipping out and making yourself miserable
i mean fuck man when youre not here you spend like
all of your time following around our squad of idiots
like no one gets john out of his sulking cave as much as you do
hes my best friend and i cant do that
you have fucking snausages on hand almost all the time because having food helps jade when shes flipping shit
and how many times did you stay up on a call with kanaya when she was worried the mothergrub was sick or a batch of eggs was fucked up
at the very least if you dont believe that i have firsthand testimony that it fucking blows me away how willing you are to handle my shit
no bitching you just grab the manure shovel and start scooping
and if i have to beat you over the head with that in public i fucking will
dont test me