shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

My name is Kankri.

 

Kankri? You mean, like the dude in the red sweater that goes on and on about all sorts of bullshit and says it's social justice? Like that guy?

 

...N9? Like me.

 

So, I guess you haven't met him, then...

 

...my dude. You think the propaganda's anything like the original guy? Hype trains happen whether or not anyone wants them to, and it's been how many millennia since he was even alive to try to correct anyone?

Mine's Wiretap! Nice t'meetcha, tactical debate notwithstanding.

 

[long frustrated groan]

WHY DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF ALTERNATE UNIVERSES
WHY MUST I BE FORCED TO BEAR WITNESS TO THIS SHITSHOW
WHAT DID I DO, HUMAN JESUS, TO DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT? JUST SEND ME TO HELL, PLEASE, IT WOULD BE MORE MERCIFUL

THE SCRATCH THAT "RED SWEATER" KANKRI'S GROUP PERFORMED MADE THEM SWITCH PLACES WITH US. SO HIS CIRCUMSTANCES WERE DIFFERENT, SO HIS PERSONALITY IS DIFFERENT! GOD

 

... well, I'd thought it'd be cool if it was...

 

I am a real pers9n.

 

Yeah, and it'd be mighty cool if Optimus Prime actually was all about peace and justice for all, but he's just as fraggin' stubborn as Lord Megatron. [Shrugs.] Stories are nice, but the older they are the more jetfuel they are by volume.

 

Yeah. It was dumb of me, forgetting that...

 

Eh. When all you've ever known's the stories... [More shrugging.] Can't really blame ya.

 

[offended skree]

OKAY, I HATE THE DUDE, IN NO SMALL PART PURELY BECAUSE HE LOOKS SORT OF LIKE ME, BUT HOW CAN YOU EXCUSE *FORGETTING SOMEONE IS A REAL PERSON*

HE IS RIGHT THE FUCK THERE! BEING A REAL PERSON! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

 

Not forgetting now, he is right there! But-- listen to someone tell a story from Primus knows how long ago, 'specially one that's grown in the retelling. Sounds like this slag got religious, so, for bonus points, it's got some pageantry around it. Pits, make a play outta it, why the frag not. You gonna remember that any of the 'characters' onstage were real at some point way back however many millennia ago?

 

AT THAT POINT THEIR EXISTENCE IN THE *FIRST* PLACE IS DUBIOUS. THE MYTH OF ANCESTORS--WHILE CLEARLY BASED *SOMEWHAT* IN FACT, I STAND CORRECTED ON THAT FRONT--WAS INVENTED ABD POPULARIZED BY HIGHBLOODS TO GIVE THEM AN EXCUSE TO CLAIM THAT SUBJUGATING THE PEASANTRY WAS THEIR HATCHRIGHT. "OH, WE'RE NOT *REALLY* MURDERING FOR SPORT! I'M INHERITING THAT WHICH MY ANCESTOR BUTTFUCK ASSCLOWN LEFT FOR ME TO CLAIM"

BUT YOU WERE LITERALLY JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW, RIGHT NOW, NORM THOUGHT IT WOULD BE ~*~*~COOL~*~*~ IF THE DUDE WAS JUST LIKE THE MYTH

 

"Oh, it's not really murder, you understand, drills just wear out faster!" "Slavery, what slavery? If Primus didn't want us to use projectors, why would He forge them with that alt?" Been there, lived that, threw the revolution. Don't mean I put much stock in the Thirteen as anything but syncretized tales of pre-unification warlords.

An' yeah, I was literally talking, right now, 'bout how Norm thought-- past tense-- that it would be nice if there actually was someone in the universe who threw an entire nonviolent revolution in the name of equality. "You ain't how I imagined" might be rude, sure, but I ain't actually seen 'im pressurin' Kankri to live up to that ideal.

 

IF SOMEONE TURNS OUT DIFFERENT THAN YOUR RELIGIOUS FANTASY, YOU DON'T MAKE A BIG STINK ABOUT THAT! YOU JUST RE-EVALUATE AND TREAT THEM ACCORDINGLY. BUT FUCKING--WHATEVER! I MIGHT BE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, I'M KIND OF GOOD AT THAT.

[he rubs his temples and sighs]
I MIGHT BE A *LITTLE* TOUCHY WITH REGARDS TO THINGS THAT LOOK EVEN VAGUELY SIMILAR TO "HEY LET'S WORSHIP THIS DUDE"

 

"The trolls in our household are from a different universe and timeline," Ford says.

"Well, yes. But there's an alternate universe version of you who is just as obnoxious as the alternate universe me who is always in blue."

 

I AM AWARE. I WAS EXPLAINING "THE WEIRD SHIT" THAT HAPPENED IN MY UNIVERSE.

 

Again, might be rude, but ain't actually illegal unless someone's gone and put censorship laws back in place.

...I can back off, though, if you need. Worshippin' real people hardly ever goes well anyhow.

 

UNTIL I FLING MYSELF ON THE GROUND AND START SHRIEKING NONSENSE, YOU DON'T NEED TO BACK OFF. AND I PROMISE, IF IT GETS TO THAT POINT, I WILL ACQUAINT MYSELF WITH THE FLOOR. THE FLOOR WILL BECOME MY BEST AND ONLY FRIEND! IT HAS NEVER FAILED ME

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ILLEGAL. I'M SAYING, WOW YES, THAT'S SUPER RUDE, ANYONE WHO DOES IT SHOULD CONSIDER NOT DOING IT. AND UNLESS *THAT'S* ILLEGAL, I AM ALLOWED TO ALL I WANT.