shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Fine. It's still frustrating.

 

-robots don't blush but Phaedrus might as well be. He tries to sound annoyed- Where have you been?

 

I believe the best explanation might just be 'paradox bullshit'. As Primus can be himself and his own child, or Cybertron and also nowhere near Cybertron, so the Well can walk and be a location.

 

Our rough understanding of the concept of gender so far is that aliens have different bits - well, we do too but ours never feel that... important to us, not that way - for each sex and feelings associated with the bits. And generally people have the gender feelings that match their bits. But sometimes they don't. It's... alien, to say the least, gender is.

 

-Phaedrus looks genuinely embarrassed-flustered at that- Oh, well, you're welcome. Just doing my job!

Complicated! I'm a demigod and it makes everything go, ah, wibbly-wobbly- This is just my current incarnation! I've not had one before. -he looks oddly proud at being suddenly a person-

...And, yeah, that.

 

[Shrug.] Many things in life and death are frustrating. They rarely change just because someone railed at them enough.

 

Wait, I'm older and more experienced than you!

 

Yeah, like, gosh, it's not like a bunch of people railing on Cybertron changed beastformers from being seen as non-people and also killed the senate, OH WAIT, THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED, and it's a good thing it did because you just LEFT with your tribe and left all the NEW beastformers without anyone at all!

Shut uuuuup.

 

...Technically yes. I'm from your future.

 

[The wolf lays down, yawning and baring a lot of sharp bark pieces that look liek the worst kind of jagged fangs.]
Terrible manners on the part of the summoner then. Even more now.

 

Small pink and angry got opiniooooooooooons. Too bad we ain't got assholes or the metaphor would work.

 

Noooooo That's bad! That's just as bad as when There was that one weird helicopter guy's arm in the Dead Universe forever.

Feeding the babies! And uh collecting stuff. I missed youuuuu!

 

-she's still got her ass planted on Koios, but she summons up an orrery to start with. It hovers slightly unnervingly in front of her, unattached to anything though it looks like it should be-

So there's this asshole, the original asshole and originator of all assholes to come, who thinks Creation- that is, our universe and everything in it, including existences adjacent to the narrow spectrum of what humanity can perceive, where angels and demons reside- might a neat idea. So they start building, but instead of building static like humans do they create this whole complicated -vague hand gesture- process where Creation pretty much creates itself as soon as it starts existing. Not all at once, but once it's in swing it's set to go for a really long fucking time and it follows a ton of very specific rules on how it builds itself, how the things in it are allowed to move and change and become other things. That's the Design. It's the rulebook of the universe. At this point everything is 100% Order. Things Work as They are Meant To, and that's all.

Even now, the things that were added to the Design in the early days are... immutable. Things attract each other in the void. Stars die. Their corpses make up pretty much everything. One of the oldest of us, or most of us working in tandem if you could get us to agree on anything for longer than a minute, can do things like alter gravity in a small area. By which I mean about the size of a fist.

But the Creator isn't creating just because they can, and they've been subtly nudging things for humans to happen since our particular ball of rock started being a ball of rock. See, they've got a world where everything is Neat and Orderly, and elsewhere there are places that are just as much Chaos as Creation is Order, but what happens if something doesn't get written down?

Because the Design is... imagine trying to teach someone how to tie their boots. Except you have to start with the concept of footwear and the existence of beings that have feet and working your way up. No shortcuts. So once humanity is actually starting to exist the creator... doesn't put anything down in the Design. They put down how humans happened, and sort of where they're going, that they'll have civilizations and just a little spark of Chaos that lets them think and feel and dream.

Now there's a second Design. This is the one the angels and demons are usually talking about. Because humanity is an experiment with free will, controlled chaos in an organized environment, there are certain protocols. The Creator wrote down what they wanted and expected to happen. That one day humanity will be able to reign in their Chaos, or throw it off entirely, and embrace Order. The pestilence of utopia.

Perhaps because they couldn't trust themself not to meddle, the Creator decided to fuck off once they gave humanity free will and they'd developed the intelligence to use it creatively. So they created the angels to watch over everything. But all the angels can do is follow instructions. The Design says this is how planets move, so they make sure this is how planets move. But, according to demonic legend, it wasn't the Creator themself who brought Chaos and Free Will to humanity, but an angel. And chaos will always spread itself, while order will break down without maintenance. So that angel became the first demon, and the only one that was ever an angel. Because it was the only angel that needed to carry Chaos, it was the only one that did. And will. The job is done, it doesn't need doing again, and you can't trick an angel or convince them because they're...

-she trades the orrery for a clockwork scene. A humanoid angel stands in front of a tower of blocks. As the gears turn the tower becomes misaligned, and the angel reaches up and realigns them. The gears turn. The tower becomes misaligned. The angel straightens them. The gears turn.-

This is pretty much an angel, just without the divine spark of pure Order. -she holds up the scene on her fingertips between them- The gears define its world, tell it what to do. We can sit here and try to convince it to stop, or change direction, or to destroy the blocks. We can beg. We can scream at it. It won't ever change its mind. All that matters is the Design, the way things Should Be. -she nudges one of the blocks farther than it should go. The cycle won't repeat until everything is realigned, but the little angel can only push the blocks in set patterns. It takes it a while longer to get it right, but eventually it all clicks into place and the pattern resumes. At least until she nudges another block out of alignment-

The problem is the second book of the Design. It wasn't meant to be part of the Design. But the Creator fucked up, or a stray bit of Chaos got into it and made it so it is. So the angels are trying to make it happen. They can't do much, because their part in the Design won't let them. But because eventual utopia and humanity giving up everything that makes it interesting is in the second book, they keep stopping us from doing our part in making sure that doesn't happen. They don't even hate us. Our existence is just... part of Creation that's not working right and needs to be fixed.

-this time she really fucks up the blocks, and while the little angel's working away at fixing them she drops the clockwork and stomps on it-

 

...but Cybertronians don't differentiate in that way naturally, unless you want to claim each and every class or alt-mode should have its own pronoun set. I'm sure someone somewhere has made differentiated cold-con frames, because the Senatorial caste did so many horribly depersonalizing things to their lessers, but last I was aware no one had stepped forward to claim this new pronoun set.

[He nods respectfully, but doesn't press. Let's not bother the demigod.]

 

*Splats onto him and wraps all around*

*loud whispers, seriously and ominously*

CUTIE FACE

 

ohai

[Extend leggy. Pet pet.]

 

-his optics narrow slightly. Suspiciously- Collecting what?

 

I did say 'rarely'. It is entirely possible for you to leave Unicron's court, should you wish to, just as it is possible your energy would not actually sicken or damage Phaedrus. All things are possible. That does not mean all things are likely. And the Well has been too long in disarray to risk my brother for your curiosity, Liege.

 

Promise I've got something in mind for you though! -awkward attempt at a wink and fingerguns-

 

He had no idea that that was what Bill wanted! If he had known, he wouldn't have summoned the little fucker!