shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[After a moment he just... relaxes into it. Omniscient Robot God doesn't think he's a failure, so clearly he did something right with his life at some point.]

 

Well, I don't knooow~

*Holds up an apple-tini for them* This may have been made with you in mind~

 

[They stick a split tongue out]
Ew contracts.

 

Not too unlike how the rest of us do deals, then. [He smiles.]

Tell me, do you have a version of the Fade? A place where the immaterial and magic exist without the material plane?

 

:OOOO
You're the beeeeeest~
[Lindi coils around Koios in a snakey hug and takes the drink, sipping and humming delightedly.]

 

Of course. Where else would we reside away from the annoying wishes of the masters. We do not call it that though. That sounds like a made up mortal name.
[snort]

 

-after a little while Primus releases him, patting him gently on the shoulder- I look forward to seeing you in your new life!

 

*Coils back around them, this is a Snek Pile now*

Aw, not the best. I'm just considerate sometimes.

 

it was definitely boring except for the fuckers with like
drinks with umbrellas and shit
snake dude is cool jury is still out on bitey mcweirdtongue

[holy fuck. dave is trying very hard not to lose his shit]
i think most volkswagens went extinct tragically
theyve only recently started to grow their population again
i could introduce you to one though

 

*loud mock gasp*
You think I'm cool!? I'm touched.

 

The Fade? Well, it's not just mortals that call it that, but I see your point. Ours wasn't always like this though, it's an artificial divide created by a god who wished to hide all the other gods away. Is yours natural?

 

Thank you! I would like to meet a Volkswagen.

 

You're selling yourself shoooort~
[Content snek sigh. Cuddles. Cuddles are good.]

Awww you drinks with umbrellas are great

[not-quite-whispers with all the smoothness of a backcombed velcro] You're so cool I wanna hibernate in your arms~

 

I assume as much. I'm old and I have never seen anything besides it.

 

*Happy snuggles, warm snek is warm*

... *Starts laughing and snorting, covers his mouth with all four hands*

 

Really? How old? I've-- well, obviously I've met someone who was quite a bit older than civilization as we knew it, but that was a bit of an outlier. The oldest spirits I've spoken to had a very limited understanding of time, and most of them were barely a few hundred years old at most.

[His eyes are bright and interested. Knowledge.]

 

...thank you, sir. It has been an honor. [Bow. Bow to your god. Try not to make shit weird, don't have Feelings out here in public with all these aliens.]

 

-laughs. Is it unkind? Hard to be sure. Definitely the kind of creepy you can only get from a death goddess whose job was made for her- No, no, and quite the opposite. Among my family of gods I have reign over unkind deaths, secrets, destructive magic, storms, the abyss, and whatever else my siblings didn't want. That includes half of the mad. Though I don't have any domain here, I can recognize those who would fall under my own domain and sometimes those of my siblings. And if you are mad, you're certainly not of the half the Laughing Lord would take.

-it should perhaps be noted that Unspoken is 1) probably still Transformer-sized because that's... pretty reasonable in the ocean and 2) is always in godform and therefor mildly to completely horrifying. Her lower half is a mass of tentacles, not quite identifiable as squid or octopus or what, and constantly in motion, sprouting and retracting tentacles. Her upper half is an emaciated woman who doesn't have a skin tone so much as what looks like a shadowplay of bottomfeeders on the seafloor, her outer layer of skin the paper that diffuses the light. Sometimes little transparent krill things crawl out and she eats them. Her fingers are impossibly long and her sharpened nails are even longer. Everything she does with her hands should not be physically possible, but god symbolism don't give a shit about physics. Right now her mouth looks normal when closed, but opening it reveals a horrible mishmash of sharp teeth from every conceivable carnivorous fish and then some, like someone tried to create a Fiji Mermaid replica straight out of Lovecraft's nightmares. The only indication she's not the goddess of Death, Death, and Yet More Death, is the fact that she's wearing enough gold on her (otherwise bare) human half to sink a whale and her eyes are so, so Violet, the color the smell of ozone, the air just before it rains, of the of the perfect clear ringing silence after a thunderclap. Of poison and promises and Truth, sure and sharp as long knives and the places to put them to kill a man without making a sound. Of knowing and learning and desiring to learn, hoarding knowledge and secrets like a coat to keep the world out, away, catalogued and analyzed and fingers dug into every crack for weakness to tear the whole thing apart if they let you. The color of bruises forming at the throat of a not-quite-murdered lover, of secrets keeping kingdoms running and those of civilizations long longs. A hand offered, but perhaps leading off a precipice-

 

coolness title is subject to immediate removal upon tongue biting or anything else that i deem as unrad according to my ever changing and mercurial whims

[dave reaches to his side and tugs, and suddenly he's holding @Karkat Vantas by the arm. how does that work? don't think about it too hard]

this is karkat hes an excellent volkswagen

 

Whaaaaaaaat? It's truuuuuuueeee
[Lindi is snickering themselves though]