shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"There better not be one of those just lying around in my house," Valiska says grimly.

 

[jimmies: INCREASE RUSTLE. dave sighs in frustration]

why is today lets skullfuck time day
why is this happening when i am here because there is pretty much no way im not going to have to yoink out the tantrum again
im supposed to be at least SORT of the chill one in the knightly ambiguously gay duo but no its time for a vantasian shitfit
are you going to use that or are you just gonna flaunt it like a kid whos dad just bought them a convertible

 

Huh. -rubs ears as if grooming them- I guess I never considered normal mechs could have more than one of them as well.

 

"I just manifested it," Dipper protests. "I got in trouble enough, thanks. I was trying to show you why some dimensions need more than one time cop, that's all."

He disappears the offending item. "It's the sort of thing people with your job should know about!"

 

Ford sighs. "I'm sorry. He's thirteen and he got an apocalypse for his birthday."

 

"There's no such thing as normal, kid." Stan grins.

 

-the mis makes a tiny noise in it´s sleep and clings on with its claw-

 

-she pets it and purrs at it-
It is indeed more true of mis. Most cats can´t phase through the actual walls.

 

well consider me in the know i guess but i sincerely doubt thats gonna be a problem any time soon
im retired for a reason

[dave raises one eyebrow. is this dude for real?]

gosh i wonder what that could be like

 

Well you know. Not Primus or Unicron or one of the Thirteen.

 

Ford tilts his head a bit. "You ... were also thirteen?"

He winces. "I'm sorry about that, then, as well ... even if for once I had nothing to do with it."

 

yeah dude it was actually johns birthday present
happy thirteenth heres a meteor hope you like destruction flavored birthday cake
better get your ass in gear little dave because that meteors gonna fuck you RIGHT UP
but instead lets have some puppet based forms of fuckery for a while and then the cause of said fuckery can slice and dice the meteor you shoudnt have had to deal with in the first place because he feels guilty or something
its all in the name of personal growth amirite lol

...ok none of that was directed at you i just got an entire airplanes worth of baggage and its pretty much desperately trying to escape any chance it gets
sorry

 

Miii. -reaches out for shoulderpats but doesn´t touch, silently asking permission-

 

"I'm sorry," Dipper says after a moment. "My problem's not the apocalypse anyway. It's." He stares at his shoes. "That I have the life I always wanted. Because what's left of the town I loved is under martial law and my actual mother is dead and my actual father thinks I'm dead and I'm happier living with Ford and Valiska than I ever was with them and girls like me and people are friends with me and not just because Wendy and Mabel are making them be and..." He swallows, hard, and screws his eyes up tight, because he will not cry in front of strangers. No. "You probably didn't get everything you always wanted, boom, because of the apocalypse. I get to be Ford's apprentice and I don't have to leave my sister. I didn't get Wendy, okay, but I'd rather date Teli and Lo than her anyway, and...somehow I'm even friends with Pacifica now."

Dipper swallows again. "Anyhow I'm being kind of a jerk right now, like I can be, and you actually lost everything, and I got everything I ever wanted, at the price of everything I ever had before, and it's the best, but it is not okay."

 

"Kid," says Stan. "It's not your fault you survived. You're allowed to be happy with things. My brother and me are the ones who made the apocalypse. Not you and your sister."

 

"Wrong again," Valiska says in a breezy voice, despite her abject horror, despite the look on Ford's face which she had hoped never to see again, despite the fact that she cannot decide which one of them to hug first. "It's Bill's fucking fault. You made a portal, you made a rift, but nobody made that two-dimensional piece of shit decide to be a murderous, soul-raping bastard except himself."

She finally decides to hug Dipper first, because he's the kid.

"Although you still better not be hiding a time machine in my house without telling me," she says, mussing his hair, a bit distressed that she won't be taller than he is for long.

 

Ford takes a deep breath and faces his brother. "She's right, you know. It's not your fault either." He sighs, turns to Dave. "And Dave...it's okay. I think we've all got a full on spaceliner's worth of baggage."

 

Dipper is pretty sure he's made a complete disgrace of himself and he really does not want to cry into Valiska's shoulder but he knows she's not going to let go until he does and it's all over now isn't it. "It's okay, Mama Cat," he tries to protest, but it isn't.

 

[there's a brief moment where dave considers shying away before shoulderpats are accepted. casual touching is hard]

dude no its not a competition
like ok when i was younger i was all about making an official ranking over who had it worst and who had it best and fuck you if you had it better than me but like
people you obviously cared about are still dead or good as
you didnt get to CHOOSE your future and you didnt get to say goodbye to anything you just had to leave it all
that fucks with a guy

besides like im gonna be honest i didnt lose anyone i cared that much about
and maybe i didnt get to be like a normal dude making bad web content and hoarding dead shit but im a literal god and my family is safe
your shit is just as legitimate as my shit and you dont need to beat up on yourself because its fucked up in a different way than mine is

 

Dipper looks up at him over Valiska's shoulder, sure he looks ridiculous. "Thanks," he says quietly. "That helps." And somehow it does.