shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[She snickers helplessly]
HI! DON'T DARE YOU YOUR HIGHNESS ME, I DON'T DO SHIT LIKE THAT. COFFEE?
[if in doubt, coffeeshop smile.]

 

oh shit hear you loud and clear
are you the one that gave me the art trash coffee that one time because id be down for another cup of that shit if its still on offer

 

HMMMMMM WELL MY DARLING SNOWFLAKE MIGHT HAVE BEEN THAT OR IT MIGHTVE BEEN ME, I DON'T LIKE ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAT I DO HERE.
BUT! YOU CAN LIKE TOTES HAVE A COFFEE THAT IS TWO THIRDS SUGAR AND CREAM SUGARPLUM :P
[She summons an elaborate froofy sugary monstrosity.]

 

[yes good. dave takes the cup and sips at it]

fuck yeah i can feel the blood sugar spike it tastes like obesity i love it
man it is so weird meeting someone else whos this loud
not bad but like goddamn i didnt know it was possible for other beings to contain this much allcaps and not combust
now that i think about it the last person i mooched coffee off of was a touch quieter

 

"The what with Chroma?" Dipper groans. "Never mind, I don't want to know, you better not hate on anyone more than me, sour note. And congratulations, you're a mutant like the rest of the family."

"I'm pretty sure the king of quadrant smearing is my Dad," says Dipper, nodding at Ford. "Everyone says he's pale for the universe."

 

"That was Oneira, probably." Valiska smiles.

 

i meant my beau actually
the pronce of my stupid dick
dont know your dad well enough to award him the title but i got a hunch that if anything theyre tied for sappy pale bullshit

shit probably
im kind of terrible at recalling faces even if you are an excellent coffee dealer providing my fix

 

Ford chuckles. "Well, ah," he says. "Several persons have remarked upon character and personality traits that I have in common with a number of persons named Vantas, so you're probably right." He sighs. "When I first met the girls, I was wandering around through the apocalypse looking for my family, wearing a scorched red sweater, with burns around my wrists from shackles, and when they found out a few days that my blood was cherry red, it took me a while to calm everyone down and explain that all humans have blood that colour, just as the blood of all the Talassani, like my wife, is purple. Which latter thing they already knew, because Lise had been stabbed when she met them and in fact, we met our third partner that day when he healed her wounds."

 

Dipper grins. "You and Karkat do seem kind of perfect for each other."

 

shit dude thats a real can of worms
gotta say thats kind of uncanny especially if they hadnt met karkat previously
after you meet him the dulcet tones of him screaming into the night will follow you wherever you go like an exceptionally loud shadow
but ive heard troll jesus himself was less like that
howd you convince them you werent ?

[dave does a stellar impression of a tomato when he tries]

hahaha thanks dude we try
not to make like a tree and get sappy but hes one of my best bros

 

"Lo saw me bleed, that helped make the point that we all bleed red." Dipper smiles. "I mean even with a kismesistude as chill as ours, it's inevitable, right?"

 

"Also," Ford points out, "after someone has lived with me for a while, it becomes fairly obvious that I am very, very fallible." He sighs. "I have twelve doctorates and no common sense. Unless you count Valiska."

 

oh shit
probably
gotta admit i cant do the spades thing so im not familiar with the particulars except on a theoretical level
so that scenario may not have crossed my mind

that is an absurd number of doctorates but i guess its gotta have its uses
if were ranking troll jesus based on infallibility though karkat most defs is not the droid you are looking for
like is that an actual requirement or more like dont meet your heroes kinda shit because if vantas the original was less fallible than the sequel ill eat my own goddamn timetables

 

MY LUSII DIDN'T STOP FROM SWIMMING STRAIGHT INTO A ROCK AS A GRUB SO NOW MY VOLUME CONTROL'S HELLA BROKEN :P

NNNNNO NOT REALLY. I MEAN YES I DO HAVE A MUTATION, I'M LIKE ONLY CAPABLE OF BREATHING FRESHWATER WITHOUT GIVING MYSELF A HEADACHE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS BUT YOU LIKE TOTALLY KNEW THAT ALREADY, NEEDLE. THE LUSUS THING IS A DIFFERENT THING! IT'S- OH FUCKING FORGET IT I CAN'T EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE SHIT ANYWAY I AIN'T EVEN GONNA TRY.
[Pouty pout of doom. TAKE HER SERIOUSLY DAMMIT]

 

Huh. I figured lusii were engineered somehow. I suppose this doesn't preclude that, but you'd think they'd engineer it to not affect themselves.

Then again... Wormwood.

 

sos karkats dont even worry im used to it
loudness is just a natural fact of my life i might go deaf at 25 but its ok im pretty sure earth c invented hearing aids
anyway sounds like a childhood introduction of rock to noggin would do it

 

SHIT YEAH I LOVED THAT ROCK SO MUCH I FOUND A CAVE NEAR IT TO LIVE IN! RIVERBANKS WITH CAVE SYSTEMS ARE LIKE SUPER HARD TO FIND SO I WAS REAAAAAALLY LUCKY THERE.

 

thats cool as hell
and yeah that would be kinda rare wouldnt it
im not a riverbankologist though so im inclined to take your word on that kinda shit
unless its like oh yeah the water was full of sugar and the fish were made of candy it was great

 

I MEAN LIKE THAT DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION OF CANDY ;P THERE SURE WAS SOME
SWEET PREY~

 

[karkat is here now, and goes to sit next to dave. allcaps x2 combob]

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?