shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

hell yeah fuck that shit
i mean the war blows obviously but god DAMN i have had it up to my fucking eyeballs with deciding bob cant be a person cause he bleeds wrong or turns into a drill or some shit
its bullshit its all bullshit and people keep fucking doing it anyway like WHY are we in general so prone to that goddamn nonsense

 

What? No. Prime's whole thing is like "Look you're your own mech and I know you're trying your hardest but that oyu left your comrades out to die surrounded by enemy forces was really very unfortunate of you" and then he looked super disappointed in me [He shivers] Nah, Primus is said to be the one sending up the Sparks to the hotspots (not mine though because I'm a soulless abomination), but Prime's got frag all to do with that, he's just supposed to be like his representative or guardian or whatever on Cybertron or something? Divinely appointed warrior priest type thing? Frag I don't got much about theology in my databanks it kinda stopped being relevant ages before I was even popped off the production lines.

It's not punching if it isn't your fist.
what is this friendly banter you speak of?

 

Well, that doesn't sound much like our divine heretics either. Maybe Andraste, but I'm not an expert there, and most of the chants about her involve humans telling me that elves aren't necessarily beloved by the Maker.

I think we might all be getting a bit vague with our religious teachings.

It's the Tevinter in me. I suppose normally one might say, "It's from spending all this time in Tevinter," but I rather think the hedonism came before I joined Dorian in his villa. [He grins.]

 

[He does at least manage to keep a neutral look. AND he doesn't move from the snugglepile. Progress. See he can be good about this boundaries thing even if his headache after this will be spectacular because his coding can't shut up] Why can't it be like other broken things and go to the trashpile when that happens? [Ok maybe the beginning headache is making him a bit moody. A tiny bit. He puts his head back against Ignis shoulder, that seems to help.]

[Slight muffled by seeker shoulder he refuses to move from. Birb hugs are good and right and can he have more of those, thanks] One was plenty. One was eno- No, actually one was too many, can we do away with Primes both as a concept and an institution? Please?

 

-dog play pounce the wolf! His ball his ball his ball give it here! Dog cares not for religious discussion, he just wants the BALL-

 

Tried, mech. You'd know better than I do if or when we ever succeed. [Ups can indeed have more birb hugs and pettins.]

 

D-do away with the Primes?

-She looks and sounds horrified.-

 

The cons are for some reason convinced that purple themed warlord douche is a much better alternative to Primes because he's got more anger and punches people more or something. It doesn't make much sense but I repeat the whole cult of perosnality around Lord Fragging Buckethead is exactly the same as if you had a Prime you glitchfrags.

 

And besides, you can't just- the Primes aren't Primus but they are divine, but they're also people too, and I think that makes their impact, um, more. Everything is more. Including the lack of them. You can't just- you can't.

 

Spoiler: war crimes

Do away with the crazy fraggers who throw their weight around just because they can? With Nominus who declared half the population slaves, a further third animals or objects, and most of the rest barely people? With Sentinel who decided the proper response to anyone daring to question, let alone disagree with, him or his predecessor, was execution without trial? With Zeta who destroyed an entire city's population in one night, in one strike, because they might, possibly, maybe be sympathetic to the slave uprising? With Optimus, who thought Iacon's framework could somehow not be hideously oppressive if somehow the mechs installed in power would just agree with him instead of his predecessors?

[Ignis has not quite extracted himself from the pile, but his wings have been flaring out farther and farther as he talks, Decepticon symbols proud on the flat of each.] Pits. Fragging. Yes.

 

-Archive just looks more and more confused.-

Sentinal? Nominus? Those aren't-

Those aren't Primes.

 

Tell them that, and their millions of fragging victims. [Grumble bird. Puff bird.]

 

Hahahaha holy slag This is gonna be good.

 

Optimus is-

The Mistress of Flame thinks he is a true Prime, but I don't, um. I... cannot disagree with her, but. I mean, I don't believe it's something that-

-She bites her lower lip painfully.-

Obviously what matters is what she wants so I shouldn't even-

-She's digging a finger into one of her joints, trying to figure out a way out of this corner she's accidentally backed herself into in her haste.-

 

No, no, definitely keep arguing with a ghost, I wanna see where you were going with that. Did I hear "Optimus isn't a real Prime"? Been an age and a half since I heard that.

 

Sorry I should just, just shut up.

 

-appears, fist up, all horns and tail, violet dress billowing in her own wind. Her horns are twice as large as usual, though keep the same laurel shape-

Rise. Rebel. Resist.

-there's a hint of compulsion to it, not enough to make even the most weak-willed actually do anything they didn't plan to, but enough to make the words more forceful than voice alone could manage-

 

-Archive instinctively kicks her.-

 

oh primus, the Unicronian corner is over there missy, it's with captain tryhard of the bombs brigade.

 

-ptchoo! Good thing between being pretty much immortal unless angels are involved and rave magic she isn't a fine red mist on Archive's foot. She sprouts black wings (why do her wings have tentacles that's just not right) that poof into ash when she lands-

Feel better? -she's grinning like she didn't just get punted by a giant robot-