shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"...do you actually like that as porn?" Lissa looks very confused, then turns to Wrench. "I don't get this at all."

 

"No," says Valiska. "I don't dislike Lissa. I'm just not a fan of the way her husband keeps judging mine. The two of them have made very different choices. But they also had very different choices and opportunities."

"I can laugh about it now," Valiska says, "because we were alone. I'm just...really glad Sanchez and Harley didn't take that wrong turn along with us!"

 

Ford sits down next to her and wraps his arms around her, stealing a slice of pizza along the way. "Me too, Lise. Me too." He sighs. "But I really think Sanchez gave us the wrong coordinates on purpose. And...he's enough of an asshole to do that, but he's not enough of an asshole to tag along."

 

"Apparently there's one thing we agree on." Ford sighs. "And that's that Rick Sanchez is an asshole."

 

"I'm pretty sure that is a multiversal constant. A...what was it you said?" Valiska glances up at her husband's chin. "Fixed point in space and time?"

 

Ford kisses the top of her head. "Lise, that wasn't me. That was an episode of Doctor Who."

 

I DIDN'T SAY YOU ACTUALLY HAD THAT ARRANGEMENT, HOLY SHIT! NEXT YOU'LL BE SAYING THAT I THINK I CAN KNOCK DAVE UP

PUH-LEASE. I'M *SAYING* THAT AS A NON-MAMMAL, YOUR ALIEN REPRODUCTION IS SO........
.....WAIT FOR IT........
ALIEN! TO ME, THAT IF I'M READING SOMETHING NASTY, FUCKPLANET IS LESS BELIEVABLE THAN "MAMMALS ARE REALLY FUCKING WEIRD AND HUMANS IN PARTICULAR ARE GOD'S SPECIALEST MISTAKE"

 

"No, I never thought you thought you could get Dave pregnant," says Ford. "However, I've been to Planet Fuck. I haven't encountered humanoid mammals with that sort of reproductive arrangement, and I don't think it's impossible. I'm just saying they'd still be people, but they wouldn't be human." He shrugs. "Most things are probably real somewhere. The multiverse is a big, weird place."

 

"You ever run into the Flying Spaghetti Monster?"

 

"I'm pretty sure the only spaghetti monster we know can't fly."

 

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, GODDAMN. IF I'M GONNA BE A SMUG SHITHEAD ABOUT HAVING *BEEN* ON OTHER PLANETS, I CAN TAKE THE HINT WHEN YOU SAY YOU'BE BEEN TO PLANET FUCK.

I STILL DON'T LIKE IT, IT'S A CHEAP NARRATIVE TRICK BECAUSE THE AUTHOR WANTS TO SKIP TO THE FRANTIC DRY HUMPING WITHOUT ANY *EMOTIONAL* GROUNDWORK TO HOLD IT UP, BUT CLEARLY IT'S REALISTIC! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING I EVER EXPECTED TO SAY ABOUT PORN TROPES, ESPECIALLY NOT ONE OF THE MOST HEINOUSLY AGGRAVATING ONES. AM I LOOKING TO FONDLE MY GLOBES OR PUNCH MYSELF REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE WHEN I READ IT? WHO KNOWS! THE DUAL BLACK EYES ARE PRETTY SUSPICIOUS, THOUGH

 

[Afterglow is not quite stupid enough to start cackling with Starscream right there, but his optics are suspiciously bright.] Someone's clearly never heard the Autobot propaganda. "To destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons"?

Mm... The philosophy has some point to it, but I have a feeling the only reason he wasn't summarily executed when he pulled off his latest resurrection was that no one could figure out how to make him stay dead. Four million years is quite a bit of time to stray from one's original ideals, for those of us who actually joined for said ideals and not revenge, or pettiness, or... [he's too well-trained to actually look at Starscream, but he's definitely thinking it--] political advantage, or whatever other thousands of reasons there are.

 

"Wait, this is a porn cliche?" Ford winces. "Honestly, it was only a fun experience because I was alone with my wife when we ran across those plants. If anyone else had been present, it would have utterly traumatised both of us." He sighs. "That's... really not consensual, you know. I mean, we're married, and we weren't driven to do anything in a violent way, so it was fine, but...at that point in our lives we were strictly monogamous, and we hadn't even been together very long."

He sighs heavily. "Ford Doesn't Understand Pornography, episode 94011. I have honestly never liked genuine porn. I've never actually wanted to have sex with someone I didn't already know intimately and intellectually, and watching people I'm not in love with fuck is about as interesting as watching paint dry. It's not offensive, it's just...uninteresting, unless I'm trying to learn something from it, and frankly, most of the time, it's not realistic enough for that. I have done some very detailed drawings of people I love from memory while I was away from them, but those are the only bodies that really interest me."

 

Spoiler: frank discussion of sex, dubcon, noncon, etc

Some people get off on the idea of losing control like that; conversely, some enjoy the thought of someone being entirely focused on them and their abilities, otherwise lackluster or no-- see also the prevalence of "heat" fiction even in species that have no such imperative. Some are excited by indulging in behavior deemed "unacceptable" by society at large, even if the behavior in question doesn't actually do anything for them.

And, of course, some people just want a sex slave without having to beat or program them into submission, and simply can't content themselves with keeping that sort of play in their own rooms with a willing partner. [Afterglow rolls his eyes.]

 

YES, THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT! SO ARE THE BUTTBABIES I GUESS, BUT I DON'T READ *THAT* IF I CAN HELP IT. I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH WIGGLERS, FETAL OR OTHERWISE

ANYWAY, I READ IT FOR THE PLOT. I CARE ABOUT *WHY* AND *HOW* THEY'RE IN LOVE, I DON'T GIVE TWO STEAMING SHITS ABOUT WHAT THEY DO ONCE THEY'RE THERE. UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, A STEAMY QUADRANT-FLIPPING NIGHTMARE AND CHARACTER A IS CHEATING ON CHARACTER B WITH C BUT ONLY WHEN THEY VACILLATE SO IS IT *REALLY* INFIDELITY? (YES. IT IS).

SO THE FUCKPLANET IS RANKED PRETTY FUCKING (HAR HAR) LOW ON MY SCALE OF "TROPES I'D WASTE MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS OF MY TIME ON"

 

Oh my god do we need to have a Top Porn Hits Of The 90's and 00's night??
!_!

Because I'm hearing TOP PORN HITS NIGHT.
!_!
^_^

We can start with a live reading of the worst shit I've found and then continue into Hentai, Oh God Hentai, Why Hentai, it'll be great!
*_*

 

If you must, go somewhere else.

 

I'D SAY I'D RATHER CASTRATE MYSELF, BUT KNOWING MY LUCK I'M SURE THAT'S SOMEWHERE IN THE TOP TEN

 

Well duuuuhhhh obviously.
6_6
9_9

I'm just seeing how many people I can rope into this!
^_^

Buddy, I have a goddamn UNIVERSE to show you and it's going to be TERRIBLE.
^_~

 

Me personally? No. I just know it exists, thanks Wrench.

Thanks Wrench.