shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Eyck. That sounds lame. Though...

[Jack looks away, squinting in thought.]

...Not entirely unfamiliar. I guess if I have to I can be non-violent, or whatever. Or, really, I can't even if I chose to, right? That's confusing and I don't care enough to pay attention. Anyway, there's some people who know me who'd get a big kick outta it, though.

[He smirks.]

Spot on, cupcake, I'm literally just code in visual form right now.

 

"That doesn't surprise me at all," Ford says, rolling his eyes, and puts Jack on ignore. "Let me know if he ever gets interesting, Laverna."

Cuddling Lissa is a lot more entertaining.

 

Signals in transit, caught in the place between universes.

-the violet in her eyes blinks out for a second, replaced by oil-spill iridescence, as she pulls information from the void-

Would you like to play a game? A secret for a secret.

 

[Jack cocks an eyebrow at her first comment, but chooses to ignore it. Instead he floats over to her, chin resting on his hands, grinning.]

What kinda game?

 

As I proposed: you tell me a secret. -she appears a pearl between her fingers. It's vantablack, like a tiny spherical black hole- In exchange, I'll tell you one. -she smiles, and her mouth is full of pearls. They're all different colors, and change as the light hits them. And then they're gone- The worth of the secret given determines the worth of the secret I give.

 

[Jack chews on that thought for a moment, humming as he thinks. After a second he shrugs, leaning so he's now resting back - in the air - with his arms crossed behind his head.]

Alright, secret for a secret. Hmm... well I mean, there's not much to tell. Or, really, it's not like I've got much to learn.

[His face darkens with an unwanted memory, before he laughs, clapping his hands though no sound comes from them. Damn holographic body.]

Does it have to be a very detailed secret? Like, for example, would 'I know someone who wears underwear with my face on it' work, or would I have to say additionally, 'I know for a fact Rhys wears underwear with my face on them, he got them from the Handsome Jack fanclub'?

 

The latter is better. Underwear choices are shitty secrets though. I've built and broken empires with this game, so step up boy.

But a deal is a deal. Your secret: there are four left.

 

Well, I mean, I was being hypothetical - probably shoulda cleared that up...

[Jack makes a face at the word boy, but for once doesn't say anything about it. Shockingly. Instead he laughs a little, shrugging. Doesn't matter, he'd gotten something out of it anyway.]

Four left of what? The hell is that supposed to mean?

[He's tipping towards her, confusion written plain as day on his face.]

 

Substance for substance. A greater secret for a greater secret. -she's smirking so hard it might split her face in half. Possibly literally, with her horrorfetish schtick-

I believe it's your turn.

 

[Jack rolls his eyes.]

Yeah yeah, alright. Hmm, let's see here. Something big - or at least relatively big. Uhh.

[It takes him a moment, but finally his eyes widen with an idea. Probably not his best, but hey, Jack's never been known to have a filter. And if she wanted him to step it up...]

Got one. Sweet old granny deserved worse than what she got. I wish I'd done it myself, if only to see the look on her face, but I don't think I could have brought myself to.

[His tone is light hearted, like he's making a joke, and he's smiling. But there's truth to his words and he means every one of them. A dark satisfaction twists across his face at the reminder that she's gone.]

 

shhhhhhhh
look
on the one hand maybe hell stop spitting out those bullshit quotes people put on pictures of like
tatted up minions
if he can look at a bona fide dead guy
but on the other hand
aunt hentai is like the only one who can kill me without it being traumatic to everyone
the fun police isnt here
and i have a sliver of an excuse to get crunk dizzy and by crunk dizzy i mean take a trip to the afterlife

no games are worth it ever lets do it

 

I know his type - or well... I know one guy that's vaguely like him - and trust me, a dead body will not make him rethink his life choices. *sighs* If that was all that was necessary to make Felix stop, well... maybe I wouldn't have needed "to get crunk dizzy," as you call it, inside Tucker's head.

 

[dave raises an eyebrow]
anway im not looking for corpse rehabilitation
more like the body ruse was a DISTACTION you feel me
ill come back itll be fine
cant tell me you never wanted to see some dude come back from the dead in a magic glittery space soup

 

It sounded like you wanted him to stop being... well... himself, so corpse rehabilitation seemed like the natural conclusion. But... yeah... okay, sure, you want to distract him. ... which might actually work.

And no. No, actually. I don't think I've ever wanted to see that. But why the hell should I bother stopping you, if you're so fucking insistent on getting yourself killed? Or wait, here's a better question: why should I even give a fuck?

 

[dave holds his hands up in a placating gesture]

my stance right now is purely hey death magic cephalopod friend wanna murder me
i dont
actually think you should give a fuck?
im trying to joke around dude its not like im gonna stay dead so it doesnt matter
and i am definitely not doing some fucking cry for help oh please come stop me so like if you didnt bother that would be great
you dont have to see it anyway you can just put me on mute for like ten minutes or whatever

 

Eh. I wasn't planning on doing anything, honestly. I was just... confused. 'Cause, like, first I thought you wanted to make him be less of asshole by showing him what death is really like, then you said you were trying to distract him and suggested that I was supposed to find it... entertaining and now you're saying you find dying fun, and well... I literally had no clue what the fuck you wanted. All I initially was trying to do was, well... make it crystal fucking clear that if you were trying to make him stop, you'd probably fail, and... that turned out a misreading of the situation and now I'm just real fucking confused. *sighs*

 

sorry
its less that i find dying fun because usually it hurts like hell and were kind of designed to want to like
not die
so your body starts going oh shit oh shit if its not super fast
which sucks even worse
and its kind of ridiculously fucking easy to misread me because im takin yall on a winding journey of bullshit
my motivations are a mystery and my arguments are every single possible other stance at once
i heard somebody talking about how fun death is and went oh shit its my time to shine
and last time i tried to pull this shit i was VERY RUDELY INTERRUPTED so im ready to get this show on the road
we can build a corpse shrine
watch as the rigor mortis sets in
but im never actually dead that long so ill just be super floppy which is great for compromising poses if you dont mind the weight

 

Lissa opens one eye. "Hey Church," she says. "Why were you so surprised that Ford calmed me down? He's my mate. He knows how I work."

 

Ford glances over at Dave. "Putting yourself through that to save some random asshole from himself smells of heroism, and that could be permanent, couldn't it?"

He leans back. "Besides, I am sure the guy we're ignoring has seen and made corpses before."

 

[dave makes a face]

im not doing it to save him man
its like
cant believe i gotta pour out the inner machinations of my mind cant a guy die in peace
im doing it because i was gonna eat it a while back and aunt hentai got yelled at for offering
and now karkats not here to flip out over something stupid
plus COME ON nothing in here matters if its anything like the bubbles ill just wake up and i dont think anything i do in here really counts as heroic or just or whatever cause nothing has any real world consequences
probably
besides bet hes never seen a corpse come back
we can wager on whether or not itll be heroic or maybe OH SHIT MAYBE its just because if im stupid enough to get myself offed voluntarily then i deserve it
see man you can make an argument for anything being heroic or just
if i choke on dinner and die maybe its just because i shoulda chewed better