shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[She boops his nose in warning]
It's not particularly good manners to say ominous things about potential evil-doers trying to destroy a relationship while two people are sharing a happy romantic moment.

 

Hey pass that around, it's been a while since I had a good stiff drink.

 

You insolent piece of slime -growls-

Thank you. -we will now flop on Mala and sulk-

 

Handsome slime.

 

*gets a little embarrassed with that boop* Sorry, I wasn't trying to come off as threatening.

 

Would you look at that, Nick is finally being embarrassed, that's a first.

Hey gorgeous, you not the only hot stud here.

 

[Patpat]
So, Fallen, are you also in the process of dying somewhere far away from society? We might as well schedule another detour while we are already on the way.
[She tries very hard for inappropriately cheerful but just ends up sounding like she wants to sit on Tross and Mala both like a brooding hen. Oops.]

I believe you didn't intend so, but most mechs who were actively involved in the war get a bit touchy about such implications was my impression. It serves to be mindful.

 

No! I bring destruction wherever I go. That is why I left in the first place, so you mortals would not be cursed with my presence.

 

Never said I was, cupcake.

[Jack floats over, lounging on his back like he's not floating in the air and instead sitting in a recliner.]

 

Lissa shrugs. "Whether violence is bad or not depends on the reasons and options. Killing people for fun is pretty undeniably wrong. Defending your family is good. In between there are a lot of shades of grey. But drugs are good. They can be used to hurt people, but so can anything else that makes people feel better."

 

Tex was my mate, and I never had much success calming her down. Or... well... it never came that easy, at least...

*smugly* Exactly what I thought.

I mean, I disagree with you on the "hero" point but... that first part: called it! Fucking called it!

 

"Did she like being angry?" Lissa rolls up another piece of meat and cheese--she and Ford have been working their way through the tray, sharing with mis when approached--and holds it out to Church. "I like being worshipped, obeyed, cosseted, adored and served, but I don't actually like being angry. Except as part of a game, sometimes."

 

You can disagree with me all you like, doesn't mean it's not true. Which, it is.

[Jack shrugs.]

Not like it's that hard to guess. I mean, it's not exactly like I'm hiding the fact killing people is fun. The jump to, 'irredeemable bastard' is pretty easy for people.

[He's stance screams that he's joking, but his tone is sour.]

 

*takes the food*

... uh, maybe. She definitely liked fighting. Combat. You know. That kinda fighting. And hitting Grif in the dick. *winces in empathy at the thought* And... she was angry a lot. At everything. *sheepish laugh* Then again, so am I...

And she likes getting money. And favours. A lot of the time that's the only shit that'll get her to help us. Like... she doesn't really do that much out of the goodness of her heart or whatever.

I'm not suuuuuure about all that other stuff, though. ... well, okay, maaaaybe she wanted to be obeyed and served, but... I don't think she took to worship well. Or being adored. Or cosseted. ... though I think, when I did do that stuff, I was... extra about it.

... yeah, okay, maybe that was a fucking dumb thing to be smug about.

 

"Okay," says Lissa, "but being a mercenary doesn't make it okay to hit people who aren't trying to kill or hurt you in the dick, or to treat your lovers badly, unless it's a game you're playing for fun and you both think it's fun. There's a couple things you seem to be confusing. First of all, I'm not human, I'm feline. When I puff myself up like that, I'm trying to avoid a fight. I'm letting people know I'm really upset and they should back off unless they know how to help me when I'm upset. And if someone's threatening me, I'm letting them know that I will fight them if I have to, but they do have the option to stop it and leave me and my family alone. Which is fair. You already have to be doing something genuinely awful for me to do the 'scream and leap' routine. Puffing yourself up is not supposed to be a way to get your way. It's supposed to let people know that you're really upset and you're trying to keep it under control, so they really need to stop fucking with you. And it's not for basic relationship fighty things, like 'please remember to put the toilet seat down cause I'm small enough to fall in' or 'put your dirty clothes in the hamper, or don't complain when you find a wolf rolling around in them.' If you're old enough to fuck, you're old enough to use words in conversations like that."

She rolls up another slice of meat and cheese and offers it to Church.

 

*takes it*

... she's not actually a merc but I get what you're saying. And I get where you might be confused. Freelancers. That's what mercs basically are, but the Director went and called his agents that and now we all have to do a confused little headtilt whenever some fucker describes themselves as a "freelancer." Well, me and my friends do anyway. I don't think you'd usually have that problem, though I guess you do now.

Is being a threatening asshole a good approach to... "we are both 'ghosts,' there is only one possessable robot body, and I need to kill my evil AI"? Or "Tucker can't stop with the fucking 'bow chicka wow wow's and the flirting and shit"? Or "Church is calling me a bitch in order to convince a talking bomb that he doesn't think the bomb is an asshole so the bomb doesn't explode and kill everyone"?

 

[Jack laughs.]

No shit, kiddo. But at least you were right - you could have gone on a tangent about how I can 'change' and 'become a better person if I try'.

 

Yeah. I guess I could've. Theoretically. But what would've been the fucking point?

 

I dunno, same reason everyone else does it? Feel like they've done something important or good because, oh god, they made Handsome Jack feel bad about murder!

[He spreads his hands out beside him dramatically.]

Of course, now he'll surely turn the other cheek! What wonders shall he accomplish, now that deaths bother him again?

Bluh. Been there, done that.

 

Well, okay, yeah, I can see how that could motivate someone. But I can't see myself believing in it for one second now, not after knowing someone like you and seeing how he kept on being an asshole and how petty his reasons for staying that way were. *scoffs* Money. Power. The thrill of the kill. All fucking bullshit in the end, and yet... he wholeheartedly gave into all of them. And if his soul lives on somewhere, anywhere, now that he's gone off this mortal coil, well... I don't think he's any different now than he was when I knew him.