shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

-the cuddlebug cuddles-

 

[She wraps an arm around him, almost casually draping her cape over his back as well. She protect the gun. He did so well. She's so proud of him.]

[Stern approving nod.]

 

*also grinning like an idiot*

Yeah. Caring shouldn't mean that you just lie down and take it. Instead, well... it should give you more to fight for, more of a fucking reason to fight. Make it so you can't give up or give in 'cause you know exactly what shit'll go down if you let the enemy win.

Yeah. Okay. That's fair. We all have limits.

 

ﻮ๏๏๔ ɭยςк Ŧเภ๔เภﻮ ђเ๓.
-he sounds as genuine as anything else-

Spoiler

Good luck finding him.

 

-yesgood, gun is protected. Gun snuggles in more blatantly, shuttering his optics-

 

[Hivebite chitters happily! Cuddles are very good, especially when talking about upsetting subjects!]

 

Ford is not laughing. But holy shit does he want to. All he can think of is: you can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant...

"When you're not paying attention, of course. I think it already got you, honestly."

 

Mason hears this and dramatically recites: "I don’t give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I’ll put you in so much fucking pain that it’ll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don’t give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I’ll fucking show up at your house when you aren’t home. I’ll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You’re going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you’ll have a fucking heart attack. You’ll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you’ll see when you’re being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You’ll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I’ll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I’d rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It’s too late to save yourself, but don’t bother committing suicide either… I’ll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. Welcome to hell, population: you."

 

Ford stares at his nephew. What the shit is going on? "Hello to you too, Mason?"

 

That's the spirit! You've got the makings for a hero, kiddo. Just, you know, need to not be dead or anything.

That's all I'm trying to do! I know I said I numbed myself, which I did, but that doesn't mean I don't care about some shit. Down on Pandora? Those bandits run wild. They kill and take and hurt with no regard for anything or anyone but themselves. They're hurting people and making that planet even more of a shit show. It's hard enough down there with all the skags and rakks? Then they just go around making everyone suffer. Bandits are monsters. Not me - I'm the hero, I'm trying to save them. Not like they particularly give a shit.

 

[She kisses his forehead and holds him close, humming quietly.]

 

-He gives her a Look. Does she think she can boss around a Prime?-

Thank you.
-No more drama, only obnoxious sibling cuddles now-

 

[dave provides the good good pets, and also scritches]

[cheerfully:] oh no im doomed
my life is just going to be getting ridiculously angry at pointless things
someone just kill me if i start spouting off about fifty shades of gray or whatever
it would be a mercy
here lies dave corrupted irrevocably by personality osmosis
killed by raging homolust

anyways how old ARE you 20 years is a long time and other ford has you beat in the geriatrics department

 

"Easy for you to say that, when none of those bandits are here." Mason shrugs. "We're only hearing one side of the story, you know? Everyone's the hero in their own story, and it's kind of a red flag when people say they're trying to save people who don't actually want to be saved."

 

... are you threatening me back or does the meme have a fucking obscure sequel?

... you know him? He knows you? Is he pissed at me too?

*sighs* I really don't think I'm un-dying this time, though. Wish I could come back, but... there isn't a way for me to. Far as I know, anyway.

Heh. Well. I can't fault you for that. You have your flaws, but you've also got the right idea there. Stop bad guys from hurting people, stop people from suffering... I can get the fuck onboard with that. *grins*

 

Ford shrugs. "On paper we're the same age. In reality, the only way to know how old either one of us is is figure out how long we've been alive, which is not easy to do, given that time flows at different rates in different worlds, and the thirty years you spend on one planet can work out to a week in your home dimension depending on a number of factors that change in an annoyingly Heisenbergian way. I know we both make use of all the anti-aging treatments we have access to, but he wandered longer than I did."

 

"The meme has a sequel." Mason laughs. "Ford's my great-uncle. I'm Mason Pines."

 

Ah. Good.

I'm Church. Well, Leonard Church, but I go by Church.

 

[Jack cocks an eyebrow.]

Cupcake, if any of those bandits were here I'd be saying the exact same shit. You think they scare me or something? I taught bandits the meaning of fear. And it's not my fault if Pandorans are too stupid to realize bandits are criminals.

That's some tough shit, sweeheart.

[His voice is... almost sympathetic. Or, as close as Jack can get.]

See? Someone gets it!

[He's starting to like this kid!]

 

-So Much purr from such a tiny little mi-