shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[She holds optic contact without wavering even a little. Yes. Yes she thinks so. In fatc she knows so. No one even remotely sane questions a carrier who's being protective of their bondmantes.]

 

why the anti aging tho
like obviously living is fun and all but dont you get any relief out of knowin youll be done one day and can go take a dirt nap for the next forever
snuggle up with some nice loam
or do you just really hate wrinkles

oh fuck its blue dipper

 

-It is perhaps best not to open the question of Megatronus´sanity in what he will and will not pick a fight with-

 

*sighs* Yeah. It is.

*grins* It's not that fucking hard to get. People can be really self-sabotaging, uncooperative assholes sometimes. And they sometimes don't see other people as what they really are. And bandits being assholes is not that far a reach. So yeah, I get you.

 

"That's my nephew you're talking about," Ford says, laughing. "And...no. I have absolutely no desire to go take a dirt nap, and if I ever do want to, there are many ways to accomplish that. I don't need to allow my body, or worse, my brain, to degenerate over time to do that. Plus, Lissa will live at least twice as long as most humans do. And she needs me."

 

[karkat comes over to sit next to him. time for sneaky handholding]

I'M AFRAID IT'S TERMINAL. YOU WERE BORN A NERD, YOU'LL DIE A NERD, AND ALL THE WAY YOUR EVERY CHOICE WILL BE MADE BASED ON HOW MUCH "HOMO" YOU CAN SQUEEZE OUT OF LIFE'S SWOLLEN, VEINY TEAT

 

"I said my name was Mason. I'm not a pastry." Mason glances sidewise at Dave. "And the last time anyone called me Dipper, I was like, nine."

He turns back to Jack. "See the thing is, one person's 'local hippie warlock from hell' is another person's 'fuzzy grunkle and favourite teacher', and one person's 'terrorist' is another person's 'freedom fighter', and one person's 'bandit' is another person's 'just trying to make a living around here', so you'll forgive me--or not--if I want to see factual evidence before I decide who's a hero and who's a bandit."

 

[Should she drop it? Maybe she should drop it. For Rage's sake at least. She still motions at her optics then points at Megatronus. She's watching him.]

 

[Mala giggles, still being wrapped around Megatronus.]

 

i guess thats a better reason than just really hating crows feet
alien lifespans man whats the deal with that
although i guess i cant exactly bitch about terezis weird biology
im probably never gonna be wrinkly how fucking weird is that

ill squeeze your teat

[oh no. oh no oh no brain to mouth filter why have you forsaken him]

i dunno man i met not blue you i made a wild guess
he was cool
kind of a dork but thats cool too
anyway
oh fuck its blue mason

 

[Jack is honestly surprised - he wasn't expecting anyone to get it. Well, except for his employees, but they're payed to share his opinions.]

Exactly. It's literally the definition of their name - they're criminals, and how anyone seems to think they're some kind of... freedom fighters or whatever the fuck eludes me.

[Jack growls.]

You want evidence, kid? You want facts? Okay, I'll give you facts. Here's some facts - every bandit steals, and kills, and betrays. The definition of bandit is literally 'robber'! Bandits are nothing more than scum. When there's nothing but thieving murderers as the primary life on a planet, how are the other non-criminals supposed to live? Do they get forced into becoming killers too? So why not remove them so everyone else can live, huh?

[He's screaming now. Because he can't have a civil conversation with someone for more than a minute, obviously.]

You want facts? How about the fact that every single bandit who's ever told me they're 'turning the other cheek' ends up turning around and taking me for everything I have? How about the fact that I trusted bandits, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and I ended up looking like I'd been run over by a fucking truck?! How about those facts, cupcake?

 

[Sing-song:] "Every"'s a naughty word, Jackhammer!

[Still entirely too cheerful:] Sounds like someone has a personal problem!

 

-snorts-

-pets a bit of them- Are you planning on being my armour for the foreseeable future brother dearest?

 

"Every" is entirely accurate. Just like every cat has fur.

Personal or not, it doesn't change that that's the truth.

[Jack absolutely does not cross his arms like a petulant child. Obviously. He's a mature adult!]

 

*is briefly startled by the force of jack's anger*

*doesn't manage to process the more questionable parts of what jack's saying*

*all that gets through once he regains his bearings is how hurt jack is*

*floats closer to jack, till they are facing each other*

*softly* Damn. Damn. That, well... no wonder you're pissed. No fucking wonder.

Shut the fuck up!

 

-medicat chuckles-

 

"I used to be kind of a dork too. Now I'm a big dork." Mason laughs, then almost jumps when Jack lays into his diatribe.

"Wow. Do you actually know what the word 'fact' means? I know what the dictionary definition of 'bandit' is, but that doesn't mean everyone who's ever been called that actually is one." Mason shakes his head. "Absolutely nothing you have said makes any objective sense. If there are literally no people other than thieving murderers on a planet--which doesn't seem likely--then there are no non-criminals, which means you've basically written yourself an excuse to kill everyone. Look. I live in a world where the actual bandits are running the government because Russia bought it for them, and the reason the town I live in is 8000% less of a shithole than most of the other ones I've been in is that it's being run by a so-called mob boss and a so-called warlock. If you want me to believe that the people you're killing are actually criminals, you're going to have to tell me what exactly they did, prove that they did it, and show me that they actually had better choices. Also, you do know that there's a whole big territory in between crushing skulls and turning the other cheek, don't you? Jesus, man. That heretic's got shit to answer for, and some of his fanboys are ruthless."

 

Yes. You can't stop me!

Truth's no truth without proof, and you ain't provin' jack, Jack.

[Just for you, Church, there is now a second, constantly-screaming vocalizer somewhere in there. The noise alters in pitch and volume, but never shuts up.]

You're a good nut, you.

 

[Jack is breathing hard with effort, and a sour taste of self-hate curls in his stomach at the reminder of how he looks. Even if he was one one to bring it up. He pushes it down though, instead focusing on his anger to get him through it. Anger is easy.]

Yeah, no wonder, huh? But I guess their fucking monstrous deeds are fine because they're 'just trying to make a living'!

What the absolute fuck is that goblin.

[Jack can't see through his tunnel vision. Instead, he's floating to Mason with a snarl on his face.]

You really wanna know? Okay. Fine. I'll show you.

[Luckily he's been programmed for this, but whether or not that actually good is another question - he reaches up and unclasps the latches keeping his mask on his face and pulls it away. While his face is less horrifying considering that he's a blue holograph, it's... still pretty gross.]

Spoiler: graphic gore, facial scars

///

All because a bandit thought it'd be a great idea to punch a fucking relic into my face, because god forbid it go to anyone other than one of them! So try and tell me they didn't have another choice. Go on, tell me. Tell me this was her only fucking choice.