shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

-Shoves him off, then starts scooping and shoving Mala into a bundle he can try to keep contained under in one arm. Sometimes this includes poking claws at sensitive places because there´s no Lawful here-

 

[He's sticking slightly dodgey looking popcorn to the outside of his mask where his mouth would be solely by the power of the popcorn's stickiness]
KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS

 

to which

 

Shockingly, not the first time I've heard someone say that.

[With Jordi comes the bar. Why does he keep bringing a bar with him. At least the drinks are good????]

 

Both.

 

No, that's a fucking goblin.

[Jack laughs self-deprecatingly.]

She was my friend. My partner. Then the second she realized she wanted more money than she was getting, she turned the rest of our friends on me. She's a bandit because bandits are thieves. She took the title with pleasure.

[Jack makes a face at Amalgamous.]

Thanks, cupcake. If you need help with anything, I'm here for it - really, not a joke. I'm a hundred percent honest right now, which is kind of a rare thing for me.

 

Oh, no, he's reason to be slagged off, not arguing that. Revenge cycles happen! We know that all too well. [Mala squeezes a little tighter against Megatronus, but still seems to be grinning.] No, my issue's Jackie-boy there claiming his vendetta's heroic.

[Wigglewigglewiggle! There is no containing a cat amorphous blob of parts that can shapeshift at will!! Mala eels around Tross's torso again, poking seams as he goes in Revange.]

 

That's business, baby. Always a better offer out there.

[He lifts his glass and grins.]

 

*smiles softly* Heh. Thanks.

Yeah, well, those bandits need to be fucking stopped.

 

Still not convinced of that.

 

*growls* So, a fucking betrayal and a relic to the face aren't enough for you?

 

[Jack grins back.]

I was young and naive back then, cupcake. How do'ya think I took over Hyperion?

No problem, sweetheart.

They sure as shit do. Them and their little psycho friends.

 

I'm surprised that everyone's fucking defending them here. I wonder if they would if someone popular here wanted to stop them...

 

NOT IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY VOYEUR, YOU SPANDEX-COVERED PHALLUS GREMLIN

GOOD FOR YOU! DO YOU WANT AN AWARD FOR HAVING COMPLETED THE "OVERHEARING ACCIDENTAL INNUENDO" BINGO CARD?

 

By getting backstabbed? I've heard of dumber ways of rising to the top, you know what they say about scum, but I don't really... care. Ruling's a loser's game. Bigger statue, harder fall, something like that.

[He downs whatever he's drinking and then pours himself another.]

Is there a reason you're blue? Or is this like a LARP thing? Knew a guy who dressed up as one of those, whatsits, Navis or whatever. Weird guy. Paid well though.

Uh, yeah, obviously. And it better not be any of that cheap import shit either, I want genuine, hand-made gimicky trash for it. Let's get the bingo game really rolling here.

 

Enough for mindless extermination of an entire group? One little facemelting and death? [They snort.] No. Not in the slightest.

Who gives a slag about popular? Prima was popular enough and look what he started, the sanctimonious slag-spewing little...

 

MRRREOOW

 

[Jack shrugs.]

That's how the chips fall. If someone important down on Pandora loved me, they'd all be singing a different tune.

[Jack rolls his eyes.]

No, by backstabbing. I killed my way up the Hyperion ladder. Or, killed my way into the main office.

[He cackles. Then he makes a face.]

Yeah, I'm a bunch of code right now. Stuck - normally, anyway - in someone's head. I'm planning on changing that, though.

The fuck is a Navi?

See, that's a cat!!

 

Oh, good, and now we've got whatever the hell this thing is.

[Jordi tosses the cat a cocktail shrimp. Cats eat shrimp, right?]

 

Stop them. To fucking stop them. Not "kill them all," even if that's what he thinks should be done. Stop them. There's a fucking difference.

Well, it sure seems like you guys do. So much that you guys aren't listening to anything beyond the fact that you all don't like the guy and he hates the bandits. And so you're making up a sad, tragic backstory for them, just so you guys can say that he's completely wrong, even though I doubt you guys would give that many fucks about the bandits if you actually met them.