shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"I'm eighteen, but I'm just going to pretend I'll be grateful for this when I'm forty," says Alex. "But I do have a Tumblr account, so I think I can answer your question. No. Raving is not a gender."

 

You trying to butter me up, sweetheart? 'Cause I gotta say, it's working.

[Jack's all but squealing - it's a near thing. He instantly floats over to Tim.]
Timmy, baby, it's good to see you! Didn't know you were in this hell hole too, unless you just got here, in which case let me show ya' around!

Only if you're shit at ruling, cupcake.

 

Mason's eyes boggle. That is so not sexy. Even if he didn't know what Jack actually looks like, which is a thing that he could overlook if Jack weren't, you know, a murderous asshole more than twice his age. And also made mostly of code at this point.

"Sorry, I have a very strict 'no murderous assholes' dating policy, and even if you were only one or the other and not both, you're still way too old for me."

 

"Not with the glowstick part in, it's not." Alex laughs. "That guy is so in love. It's obviously gonna crash and burn, but I think I might ship it."

 

*blushes*

*it's working*

*holy shit*

Nah. I just... just like you. A lot. You know.

*church lets out a huge sigh of relief, glad to know for sure that the jack situation is not becoming a repeat of the one with tex*

 

[Tim gives a little wave, laughing softly. He's used to this by now though.] Hello. Probably kinda, uh? Surprising? Yeah, sorry about that! It always is, haha. Uhm, guess I'll just answer any questions you have?

Where's... here exactly? And it's, uh, good to see you too, sir. [He looks like a deer in the headlights.]

 

I'm Church. Leonard Church but Church is the part I like to be referred to by.

Surprisingly's fine. No need to be sorry for that.

And uh... I guess my first question'd be.... who are you?

 

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, I GUESS! THIS PLACE MIGHT AS WELL BE A FUCKING DATING SITE, FOR ALL WE ACCOMPLISH

HE'S NOT IN LOVE. HE'S *INFATUATED*

BIG, BIG DIFFERENCE. THAT'S LIKE CALLING A PUDDLE AN OCEAN

 

[Jack turns towards him, his arm over Tim's shoulder.]

You bet your sweet ass I think it's cute.

[You sure about that Church?]

Well I like you too, you know, a lot. You've warmed up to me.

[He winks.]

[Jack eyes him up and down.]

Well, if you're legal I ain't got no qualms flirting with ya'.

Uh, some kind of fancy hell? No one's really sure.

 

I'm... name rhymes with "Jimothy", but most people just call me Jack though, considering. [He laughs.] I'm what you'd call a doppelganger.

Hell? [Tim squeaks, blanching.]

 

*blushes*

*repositions himself so his ass is closer to jack's hands, trying to invite a grab*

Yeah?

*church's sure that timmy isn't an ai ejected by his lovestruck mind, at least*

*and that jack is more affectionate than tex ever was*

*so he's pretty sure*

*or sure enough, at least*

*grins*

Yes!!! You like me!!! You like me!!!

Wow. That is fucking awesome!!!

*triumphant fistpump*

Doppelgänger? Does that have some kinda fancy science meaning where you guys live or is it just a pretentious way of saying you and Jack look alike?

 

[He takes a selfie with it, then texts it to @Marcus Holloway and @Aiden Pearce both. They're not gonna have any clue what the fuck. It's great.]

Brilliant, stunning, groundbreaking. This is a fucking treasure to keep right here.

Is raving a race.

Even if you're good at it, tough guy. I mean shit, you said it yourself, right? Backstabbing your way to the top? What, you think you're the only guy who ever thought up that brilliant scheme?

Big falls. Besides, the money's not as good and then people expect you to have standards or some shit. Gotta keep the minions happy and all that. No thanks, I'll take the position that isn't constantly changing hands and enjoy me a nice drink on the house. [He pours himself another.]

 

[Jack smirks and reaches his hand out to do an ass grab, unimpressed when his hand more or less phases partly through. Eh, whatever. The intent is still the same.]

Very yeah.

[Jack snorts.]

Well if that ain't the cutest reaction to me liking someone I've ever seen, then I sure as shit don't know what is.

I'll just shoot unhappy people out airlocks if they get testy. My entire time at Hyperion, no one got anywhere near me. And when I get back, I'll have Rhysie as a nice meat buffer to anything too dangerous. I'm not too worried.

Hell.

[Jack makes his fingers dance around Tim's face, a maniacal "muwahahaha" bubbling up out of his mouth for effect.]

 

"You can flirt if you want to, but I'm not interested, whereas Church there actually likes you," Mason points out.

 

Not even a little bit?

[Jack brings two fingers close together for emphasis, voice rising to annoyingly high levels.]

 

"No," says Alex. "It's also not a disability, a sexual orientation, or a carb. The PLUR thing might count as a religion, though...."

 

[He grins.]

Already been ousted once, haven't you?

 

"Nope," says Mason. "Not even pitch."

 

Sort of both? I needed to pay off some loans so I accepted a surgery that made me look like Jack. Legally speaking I'm not allowed to say my name - it was part of the whole thing. [Tim shrugs.] It's surprisingly not bad?

[Tim shrinks back and is obviously displeased by Jack's imagery.] That doesn't sound very fun.

 

*church feels a delightful shiver pass up from there all the way through his spine and just... melts, in a very cat-like way*

*relaxes, goes all pliable*

Spoiler: dark

*if jack knifed him right then, he'd just let it dig right in, no rave magic would stop it*

*church had no idea about that side-effect of his current mental state and no reason to think the knife thing would even be likely but the omniscient narrator wanted to be a poetic little shit*

*blushes*

Me neither.

*and now he's jealous*

... what'd you fucking want him for? What could he do for you that I can't?