shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

*Squints at Jordi*

Uh... what. Don't-- Don't say that ever again, dude.

 

I'm trying to figure out if Rage Against the Machine is still 'bae' or whatever. Work with me here.

 

Uh-- Some people still like them?? That's not how you use bae? Please stop? Like, dude, rebellion is I think hard-wired into kids but I don't know what you want from me here?

I'm literally standing here in my fucking emoji pajamas, I don't need this.

 

Oh, okay, I get it. You're 'memeing' me. That's what's happening here. We're being a 'meme'.

 

... no. No, we're not. We're really not, and Jordi, I know you know what these things are. You're a smart guy, you weaponize math, why are you doing this, and what the hell is this selfie?

 

[now dave is a little mad. poker face: activate. conclusions: jumped to. his tone is carefully measured and neutral, a sure sign he's pissed off]

where do you get off implying i got commitment issues
i have been dating the same fucking dude since i was 15 you fuckin lovestruck dipshit
bought the cow took it home gave it a five star stable and gourmet
uh
cow food
i said one thing
got my fuckin conversational ass verbally rawed for maybe bein a douche
didnt even get the chance to say whoopsie cause here you come with the big guns talking like im sleepin around and or wont put a ring on it

i dunno man i think six years trumps one day but what do i know im just a god of time

does this make me a prostitute
[he summons and holds out the foam ass watch]

 

Seeing you in pain makes me laugh. Here, catch.

[He throws the glittery poop toy at Marcus. Right at his face.]

 

That's-- OH SHIT

*And it hits him right on the forehead, he steps back and then falls to his ass*

Ow you motherfucker.

*Grabs the glittery poop toy, then pitches it right at Jordi's crotch. THIS IS WAR*

 

[He twitches his hips out of the way, then takes another sip of his drink.]

You missed. C'mon kid, you're better than this. Put some soul in it.

 

You just hit me in the head, my aim's a bit off you ass.

*grumbles and rubs his head* The fuck was that for anyway?

 

You wanted to know what the hell was with that selfie. I got that from short, grey, and shouty over there, figured you'd enjoy the look. Want a drink?

[He doesn't wait for an answer, pouring Marcus a shot of something before pushing the glass into his hand.]

 

*Takes the drink because god, what the fuck*

You're a strange, strange man Jordi.

*Downs the shot* I refuse to get drunk around you or any of these people.

 

What, don't you trust me?

[He grins, then pours Marcus another.]

 

[He signs it with a flourish. In red crayon. The letters are a little shakey and clumsy but he seems absolutely delighted to sign someone's ass even if it's an ass watch]
It absolutely 100% does but hey those gals and lads and enbies are hardworking and inventive motherfuckers- sometimes even literally I dunno what your mom gets up to on saturday nights.

 

Actually, has nothing to do with trusting you and more to do with sparing you (and everyone else) Drunk Marcus.

*Takes the shot because SELF PRESERVATION I DON'T KNOW HER*

 

Oh, now I have to see this. Is Drunk Marcus less depressing than Drunk Aiden? Drunk Aiden's boring and has no fucking game.

[He plops down on a stool at the bar, then pats the one next to him.] C'mon, drink with me.

 

*Gets his ass off the ground and then plops on a stool*

No, Drunk Marcus is an idiot. Drunk Marcus tries to hit on everyone and is awful at it and is exactly why I was single for so long. I also usually black out, which is annoying because then I don't remember that I hit on someone or even met them and boy do they already know me.

 

[He laughs, then pours Marcus a much more substantial drink.]

Oh, this is going to be a hoot. Do you hit on everyone, or do you have favorites? I hope I'm one of your favorites, I can't fucking wait to see this in action.

 

*Squints at Jordi but takes the drink. The fuck is your game, dude?*

I mean... Yeah, I have a type. Usually I pick on Wrench these days, but you're acting like this is something you want to experience. I'm going to annoy the shit out of you if you get me drunk, that's just life.

 

Buddy, you are acting like you don't annoy the shit out of me by breathing sometimes. Believe me, drunken idiocy is so much better than whatever dumb 'hacktivist' shit you get up to the rest of the time.