shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

... *Takes a loooong drink*

Don't say I didn't warn you... I mean, I honestly don't know what I'm like when I'm drunk but if your goal is to get me drunk you're on the right path... Still don't see why though.

 

It's called blackmail, sweetcheeks, keep up.

[He tops off Marcus's glass, then takes a long drink of his own.]

 

How you gonna use that as blackmail when all my friends already know how I am when I'm drunk?

*Wrinkles his nose but drinks. Getting drunk in your jammies, classy Marcus.*

You know, at this point I'm doing this to spite you. You know that, right?

 

Why would I be using it as blackmail against your friends? You have friends? Nah, if I was gonna do something like that, I'd burn down that little games shop you all play in.

[He drinks.] No, I got other blackmail plans. Irons in the fire. Aaaaaall the irons in the fire. Spite's as good a motivator for you to work with me as anything, so I like it.

 

Of course I have friends, you ass. Don't burn down the games shop, please dude. Why are you so obsessed with that? Is it because the dude behind the counter pissed you off?

*Just-- Just chugs his drink because fine. You asked for this Jordi.*

How the hell would you blackmail me anyway? Who the hell are you going to tell? 'Got this dude drunk in a dream and he made an ass of himself'? Like... dude.

*Rave magics himself up another drink and starts drinking again*

 

[dave is equally pleased, and immediately puts it on his wrist]
my moms a snakefucker most nights im pretty sure
not that i care who or what or how my mother fucks
christ
anyway yeah dont mean to disparage the oldest profession on earth dgmw i just needed to know if selling my affection for an autograph counted me among their ranks
is this
cheating

 

Pedantry is the fucking bane of nerd spaces, which I figured you'd know since you're a dork. A nerdlette. A geek, even. Bastard knew exactly what I was talking about and he was just being a dick for no goddamn reason. Besides, it's not my fault you led me right to it.

[He narrows his eyes-- he wanted to keep pouring Marcus drinks-- then finishes his off before pouring another.]

Maybe I just want it for collateral. You know, in case the whole strong-arm thing stops working. Gotta have multiple cattle prods, since I don't think you really go for the carrot-stick approach.

 

I mean, he was scared but I get where you're coming from. Beyond that 's not fair to tell someone that something doesn't exist in dungeons and dragons when so many DM's make up monsters'n shit.

*Shotguns this drink too.*

You scare the shit out of me, man. You're like... Fuck, you're intimidating.

 

Exactly. And, mind you, I don't give a shit about editions, fucking played 2nd edition and 3.5 no problem, but he couldn't fucking find me some goddamn handbooks? Seriously? Some fucking figurines? Is it that hard?

[He pours him another. Happy Jordi.]

That's so sweet. Is this the part where you start blacking out and hitting on me?

 

If that's all you wanted you could just have asked me, I've got tons of that shit. I mean, hell, me and my friends to sessions p'frequently.

*Takes it because we walk this lonely road. Squints at Jordi. Not quite there yet, but he's getting close thanks to being front-loaded with alcohol and rave magic*

No. You'll know. I mean, might be too intimidated to hit on you though. I'd be scared you'd like beat my ass or somethin' if I started hitting on you. Like, dude... You have this whole untouchable, intimidatingly attractive thing goin' on.

 

You inviting me? I'm down. Might hit you up for a one-shot next time in that muggy shithole, not that I'm planning on being there again any time soon.

[He grins.] Oh, I wouldn't beat your ass unless you asked, not for hitting on me. But go on.

 

I mean, why th'fuck not right? Gotta see if Josh is cool with it, but I'm sure he will be since you know your shit.

*Squints. Is that an innuendo? He thinks that's an innuendo.*

You know I'm in a relationship, yeah? *Downs the rest of the drink and there we go here's some rave magic to kick him all the way into drunk*

An' anyway you're kinna out of my league? Above. Me.... that is... Fuckin' handsome and shit, p'sure you wouldn't be into bangin' me forreal. Like, look at you! And your face! Look at your face, it's a face that's good. A good face. How could you.

 

[His grin is massive and shit-eating now. This is the best possible dream. Jordi's having a blast.]

Aw, sugartits. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you've got a face too. Be pretty weird if you didn't have one. We won't get anywhere 'cause you have a boyfriend, not because you're out of my league. Though you are. Out of my league. No one's in my league. I'd still fuck you though.

 

HEY. Hey. *Points. He's pointing. Why is he doing this, fuck.*

Not what I meant, least you don't have spiky face. Wanted Wrench to gimme a BJ and then I got scared I'd get a spike somewhere bad. B'for we were dating though. You got muscles too, and... snip... snip... sniper skillzzzz... FUCKIN'

*Leans in, voice 'quiet'... Not very quiet.*

Also a penis.

*Leans back, giggling like a madman*

 

Lissa snorts in the middle of pulling her dress back on over her head, not that she cares what most people present here see, but someone is bound to object. She and Ford had bubbled themselves for a bit, and then she'd fallen asleep in her dream, but Deadpool always cracked her up and that whooping was loud. "You've met me before," she says as she finally gets it all the way on. She's laughing. "You really do have a shitty memory. I'm Lissa Pines, the guy who somehow managed to sleep through that on this couch here is my husband Ford, and I'm friends with Wrench and Marcus and Sitara. My niece Alex, the one with the popcorn, gave you a Spider-Man challenge. How'd your speedrun with Spider-Man go?"

 

[Jordi looks like Christmas, Disneyland, and his birthday have all come at once. He's never been happier.]

No kidding? See, you were nasty to me about my sniping before, but if you're going to be nice to me, I think I'd like to hear about that. Or you can talk about my dick, either way. Unfortunately, you're not getting your hands on it, but you can dream, baby.

[He pours Marcus another drink.]

 

Gwendolyn laughs. "Anarchy is beyond 'on point', dude, that's the point of it. But thanks! You have excellent booze." She actually is 21, but it's not like that matters here. Her boyfriend, however, is 18.

 

No, no, no, no, no... Never said you were baaaad at it. Jus' that you scared me an' made shit hard for me, s'cool though-- Cool when you 'sploded that car too, fuckkin badass. You know I snipe? Not's good as you though.

*DRINKS. GET YA DRINK ON DRUNKY.*

Shhhhhhhhh not allowed to talk about it, if you talk about 'em they disappeeaaaaarrrrr~ *harsh not so whisper:* dicks are shy.

 

"I'm a Pines so I don't have that much to rebel against given that my family is kind of notorious," Mason says, "but thanks for the beer!"

 

[Jordi would probably not care if she was ten and drinking at his bar, but either way he's not really focused on getting anyone else drunk.]

The point is to be 'on point', or is it to be 'off point'? You kids and your 'lingo'.

Uh huh. I bet you do, hot stuff. Everyone like to think they can, but so few people are any good at it.

[He keeps the glass full.]

Yours disappear often? That's a pity. You know they make pills for that, right?

Rebel against the concept of rebellion or whatever. That's what middle schoolers are into, right?