shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Look, I'm not really used to people not knowing what this [He gestures expansively at his bat suit clad body] means.

The last time my Robin got jealous at someone he tried to kill the guy, so no.

[He dithers for a moment, because no alcohol on the job, but also he kind of maybe isn't on the job considering what he's overheard. In the end he does lean against the bar. If a drink appears mysteriously next to him well he can't be faulted for drinking it then.]

 

Yeah, well, I'd really like to avoid him breaking your record for youngest to... well... drop out.
[WOW he made himself feel like shit. Time to drink.]

You're right about that.
[Subtle glance over present company. Yeah maybe a lonely rooftop during an impending night of thunder and lightning would be a better occassion.]

 

I understood about half of that.

I´m holding you to that.

You just admitted to murders, plural. Those charges.

 

Please do! I'm a mech of my word, good sir; I wouldn't make a promise I didn't intend to keep!

 

"I'm with Batman on this one." Lissa scowls. "Look, a ten-year-old doesn't even really understand what it means to kill someone. They told me I was ending suffering. They said that Tisselen, the Lord of Space, and Morrheina, the Mother of Time, had made the universe all wrong, so that everyone had to kill and cause pain to survive, and that we took money to murder in order to support our holy cause, and when we knew how to unravel it we would remake a world without pain. They told me love in this world was attachment and would only cause pain and that kits should only be born to replace us when we were lost." She takes a stiff swig of her drink.

"But even without the religious bullshit. A ten-year-old is killing because somebody else is telling them to. Ten-year-old kitlings don't kill people otherwise. The hunting part is fun, sniping is almost a game, but you don't need to kill people for that, not when you can kill food. Some people do need to die, because they're so broken they can't be fixed and they don't do anything but hurt themselves and others. And you have to defend yourself and your family. But that's not a job for a kitling. That's an adult decision that adults should be making for themselves."

 

-sphere beep sighs and apologized for her human being rude-

 

"I told you you're in one of the places that people go when they dream," Ford says, "and there are no judges or jails here, and you can't take someone back to your own world to try them for murders they didn't commit in it. Even the goddamn Time Police don't do that."

 

[Jordi to the rescue, pouring him a nice stiff drink and sliding it down the bar. Have at it, pal.]

Really? So, uh, whose murders exactly am I being charged with? I mean, it'd really suck if I happened to be across the country on business when Joe Schmoe got knocked off, because that sort of punches holes in your theory there.

Cool, sure. I mean, me, personally, I don't really see the difference between shooting a deer and shooting a douchebag, but you've got your moral system there, it's working for you. Maybe doesn't pay as well, but whatever. And you can't really make up a story about killing a deer, because no one really gives a shit, so there's not really anyone to appreciate what you're doing.

Gonna have to contest that whole 'only killing because someone else is telling them to' bit though. Me, I got a lot of 'put the gun down' and 'shit fuck where did he get that knife', not so much the 'yes, kiddo, two in the kisser and one in the nuts, that's how we do it.'

 

[karkat blinks for a second, because this isn't a language he understands, but rave magic. so weird]

UGH, GROSS. OBVIOUSLY I DON'T EXPECT THE HUMANS TO BE ABLE TO REPRODUCE THE VARIOUS SUBTLETIES NECESSARY TO COMMUNICATE IN ALTERNIAN WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A SPECIEST PRICK, BUT ENGLISH IS *SUCH* A FUCKING SHITSHOW. EVERY TIME I FIND MYSELF THINKING IN IT I WANT TO SELF-LOBOTOMIZE FOR SINKING THIS LOW

 

"That sounds a lot like living in a world where you had to defend yourself early," says Lissa, "and where the fuck was your family?"

 

Aw, come on, I made the whole orphan quip like... [He stares off into the distance. Drinks. How long has he been here. Is Jordi in a coma.]

...Probably thirty minutes ago. Maybe? Fuck if I know. Yeah, anyways, don't really do the whole 'family' thing, had the whole joke about painting targets and shit too. Never ends well. This is a great conversation we're having, you want some scotch?

 

[Batman gives him the thankful eyes. While he drinks he keeps an ear on the conversation though because he's not that much off duty. Ugh. Drinking with criminals again.]
Have you considered writing crime serials for TV to get the whole destructive energy out? I can hook you up with an industry contact if you promise to stop murdering. You're not really my jurisdiction and shit but-...

 

Ugh, crime serials. It's always the same shit and the emotional notes with the cop cast never hit right. Criminal Minds is alright, but CSI and Law&Order are absolute shitshows. I just can't take the whole thing seriously. Now, buddy cop comedies, that's a fucking industry worth saving.

[He pours himself another glass.] Me, I think I'd do a bunch of thrillers if I got into writing, but that's way harder than just coming up with the story, you know? Oral tradition's so much easier than fucking script writing. I'd be an obnoxious fucking director too, like one of those douchebags who yells at the prop people because the coffee cup's at a 40 degree angle instead of 73 degrees, you dig? It's all in the details.

Besides, I get paid better like this. And it's more fun. Way more fun.

 

*He's here, not noticed the literal CHILDHOOD HEROES yet but:*

Jordi's got issues with feeling things, he's got a guy for it apparently. He doesn't do empathy, it just doesn't happen for him.

*grumble grumble, 'I learned that the hard way' grumble-- THEN*

IT'S MOTHERFUCKING BATMAN! AND ROBIN! AND SUPERBOY!

 

You're a little slow, aren't you? Did you get my text. I'm holding you to it.

 

[Vector makes a quiet disagreeing noise, but he's well aware people have their own moral systems and not every point of contention is worth starting a debate over.]

Quite alright, dear, he's in a bit of a pickle and that can make some people tetchy! I don't mind in the slightest.

Well, in general one probably can, but it doesn't tend to end well for anyone who's not a demigod, especially in universes where dimensional travel isn't widespread. Stark raving nuts, no proof of accusation, all that mess.

 

"No thanks," says Lissa. "Unless you want to spike broth with it, which you and my husband will say is a waste of good Scotch. I've got broth and whiskey right here, though." She raises her glass. "I wasn't sure if you were serious about the orphan thing."

She smiles apologetically. "It's hard to tell when you are serious. Also, one of the things about the difference between a deer and a douchebag is, I have to eat meat to live, and the way most of the humans on Earth raise their meat is upsetting even to think about. I can eat plants to fill my belly if I'm desperate and starving, and I can eat plants if I like the taste, but it's not going to nourish me and it might make me ill. Ultimately, I will die without meat. I don't want to eat a douchebag, unless I am so personally angry that I want to eat his heart, though I will certainly kill one if he is a threat to me or my kith and kin. I'll grant you that kitlings will kill if they don't have family around to defend them, but that's really not what I would call an ideal situation, Jordi."

 

I did, I was busy. Seriously busy. We're talking they called out the police choppers.... It was fun though, but yeah everything is chill now. Hi. I'm not reviving you if you die. I can't do that thing.

 

Please don't make more work for me, just go into TV writing. I'm literally begging you right now. Or novels. Do novels if you like that better.

[He grins]
Yep, that's me, the dark knight himself.

 

"Right? The grammar is awful as well."

Lissa looks alarmed. "Is everyone all right? Wrench? Sitara?"

She glances at Jordi. "Why would you die?"