shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Aw man I wish Wrench were here, but also for your sake I'm glad he's not? ... Hold up

*Lifts phone, leans back, takes a MOTHERFUCKING SELFIE WITH BATMAN* And now I have something to lord over his head like he lords his signed collectors edition of Jimmy Siska movies over mine.

Oh yeah, totally fine! I might have gotten caught on private property. I'm usually the only one out and about so they're fine. No one's hurt!

 

So we´re just going let him get away with murder? Are you kidding me?

Yeah, hi.

-Sphere sigh beeps. He´s such a hothead.-

 

"Good." Lissa breathes out. It's ridiculous, all the feelings she has for people she'll never meet in the flesh. Well, at least not the actual flesh.

 

Ugh, that is a waste of good Scotch. You should be ashamed. [He doesn't sound that serious about it.]

Knew a guy who ate people though. Pretty nice guy, actually. Raised alligators for a living. Well, actually, he did cleanup for a living, but the alligators helped with that, so it was sort of a 50/50 there. Great gumbo. Great gumbo. I need to visit him again, even if he lives in a shit swamp. Yeah, anyways, pretty sure there's no such thing as an 'ideal' situation, but I'm supposed to be getting away from those kind of defeatist thoughts, so we're going to go out on a limb and say that maybe my situation wasn't typical.

Sure you can, friendship and magic and all that shit. Also, if you don't, I'm haunting your ass. And Pearce's ass. Both of your asses, simultaneously, but mostly yours, because I doubt he'd notice half the ghost shit I'd do. He's not very bright either.

Job hazard.

I know, I love it. That's democracy for you. [He spreads his hands wide and grins, then picks up his drink again.]

 

[He poses for the selfie with his best I AM THE NIGHT face. People don't usually want the fun, silly Batman for selfies after all.]
No problem. Hey have you seen another boy wonder maybe? I kinda gotta keep an eye on the kid.

Look, kiddo, you'll probably learn soon enough that you really shouldn't mess with a dimension's villain unless you've got express permission by the supers over there. Or another town's villain. Just. It causes way more trouble than it's worth.

 

"I hate to tell you this, but people get away with murder all the time in places that you're not in and there is nothing you can do about it, unless you become omniscient, omnipotent, and omniversal," says Alex, and hands him a soda. "He's been nice to us. He's even getting along with Aunt Lissa now."

 

Man, what the fuck. Why can't you just stick to Pearce? I've got shit to do. Also I don't do magic, as a rule, shit's fucked.

This is dope! You need anything man, just ask... That goes for all of you awesome heroes because damnn.

Yeah, I get into stupid shit a lot... Sorry. I'm working on the whole self-preservation thing. Sit gets onto me about it too...

Nope, sorry! Unless me and my robin boxers count.

 

attempted fratricide is nothin new for me my dude

but did they

 

But how will I keep up with the lingo of you millennials if I don't haunt your ass? Besides, I've seen enough horror movies, electronics are way easier to fuck with than guns, and that's a man right there who reaches for his .45 before he grabs his phone.

Just picture it: one of your little toys, but it's me, and I'm calling you a dumbass for letting me possess it. It'll be great.

 

Sometimes I hate you a lot, Jordi. Like, alright fine-- If you turn into a ghost and you're nice about how you fucking contact me I'll see if I can do anything. Maybe I can talk Wrench and Josh into building you a robo body.

 

Well, for one thing, I'm under a strict noninterference policy with mortals unless entire universes are in actual danger.

If you think you can figure out enough interdimensional travel to follow him back to his universe from here, and then either credibly establish yourself in unfamiliar territory or bring him back to your universe for prosecution with no proof... well, I'm not going to get involved in that either, but I wish you luck!

[Vector pats Sphere gently. She... doesn't have a shoulder, so it's just kind of. A pat. A sympathy pat.] At least he's got you to look out for him, hey?

 

[He claps his hands together, then points at him and winks.]

There we go, that's a deal I can live with. Definitely haunting your ass as a ghost now.

 

*SIGH* Fine. *Makes a note to ask Josh to make a proton pack*

 

[karkat shifts a little uncomfortably]

PLEASE, JUST ONCE, DON'T STEAL ANY RULE THAT LOOKS FUN FROM ANOTHER TERRIBLE HUMAN DIALECT! BUT NO, WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. ENGLISH HAS TO BE A VERBAL OBSTACLE COURSE TO COMPREHEND, BECAUSE IT HATES YOU. WHEN WILL IT DIE OUT? THE ANSWER IS NEVER, BECAUSE HUMANS HAVE A FETISH FOR TEN THOUSAND CONTRADICTORY RULES AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM, OH NO. *YOU'RE* THE IDIOT

 

Lissa nods. "I thought, based on what Marcus had said, that maybe you were actually in the hospital while we're talking here, or something." She sighs. "I would like gumbo better if it didn't have flour in it. Rice is okay in small amounts, the meats and seafood are great, but the sauce makes me queasy."

"I like that woman a lot. She like girls?"

"I don't know," says Lissa. "But my understanding is that Tisselen doesn't think so, and Morrheina does. Morrheina is the leader of the Station."

A little late, but better than never...Lissa smiles at him apologetically. "It's different in different places," she says. "My people die when they're locked up against their will, so life in prison is a death sentence anyway, and extra suffering isn't going to undo the crimes. And where I live now, the government is a mess, so in the town we live in, my family is the actual government, now. Which is also not an ideal situation. But those don't seem to exist very often."

 

[He barks out a laugh.]

Hospital? Nah, especially not with ctOS up in everything these days. I got a guy who's good at stitching if I need it, and unlike some people, I don't eat fries off the floor of my car, so I don't get sick either. I'm in my fucking prime. This dude was pretty good about allergies, so if I ever see him again, I'll get a recipe that doesn't use flour. Might not be traditional, but whatever, corn starch is just fine as a thickener.

 

Uhh I think she does? I don't pry in her sex life that much, mostly because she could beat me up. *snickers* I know she bought a collar when we did the thing with the porn studio? And got me to paddle the dude on camera, all her idea.

Oh yeah, sorry, I just meant that he's got some kind of brain thing. Dude does not feel empathy, I'm pretty sure he's got that one thing but I'm not going to diagnose someone. That'd be a jerk move, and he's got a psych.

 

[Vector shrugs.] I'm an incurable idealist, what can I say? And my last attempt at government went rather poorly, so perhaps it's for the best I'm not involved in that sort of thing anymore. I'm certainly not going to kick up a fuss over you doing what you have to in your own situation.

 

Nothing's official anyways, I don't like records. Empathy's still not my thing though. Don't really get the point of it. Why bother giving a shit about other people's feelings, right? Pearce used to get all fussed about that. Also, technically, he specializes in childhood developmental disorders, but whatever, I'm not complaining. He brings scotch, so it's a great time.

 

You're so... *waves hands at*