shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"That'd be nice," Lissa says. "And I'm glad you're not currently sick. Or eating fries off the floor of your car. Ew."

Lissa bursts into giggles. "I wanted to kiss her in the worst way for a couple of minutes there when we were sobering you up, but it would have been rude, and if she'd liked it, we'd have been distracted and you might have slipped away."

"I would absolutely love it if I never had to kill another sapient being," Lissa says firmly. "I really would. Stan won't even send me any more, he's got people for that who don't mind it so much. He says it's better that people keep on underestimating me, because I am the best home defence system ever. Among other things he's called me."

 

Devastatingly handsome? I know, it's a curse. [He grins.]

 

I probably would have, or I would have tried to tape it for Wrench. Gotta be a bro, you know?

No, not what I meant. I mean-- You're not bad looking at all but I meant you... You're just... So much. Holy shit, I'm so glad that we're not a thing because I don't know how I'd survive.

 

Yeah, mention that to Pearce next time he's in here. We're staging an intervention.

I don't really do 'things' so you'd be safe. I mean, I'm pretty sure you asshole wouldn't be, but hey, that's between you and my dick so feelings don't have to factor in at all. You ever get tired of the monogamy kick, just text me so I can laugh at you.

 

"Stan won't send you any more because I punched him through a wall the one time he did," says Ford. "I told him I'd spent five years unfucking you and would really like to spend the rest of our lives just fucking you and I did not like the way you looked when you came home from that."

 

There it is, there you go being so much again. Fuck dude. Too bad I am not interested in you in the slightest, huh?

 

Nope, you're at least twice the age of him and he doesn't get as dark as you even when he gets a tan. Just, i dunno, call if you see him.

Shit, sorry. Look I do wanna help ya out, I just can't make you a Robin. I've got my own family to look out for first. We've had... enough things go wrong recently. Things are complicated.

 

Also speaking of killing: I've got blood on my own hands, but it was deserved.

 

My heart's breaking over here. And you're absolutely as awful as you say you are when drunk, so I think that's really the best gift I could've ever asked for from you. [He grins again, and drinks.]

 

I told you man, I'm a wreck when I get drunk. I threw a phone into the ocean when I was drunk. Every time I wake up in a girl's room when I'm drunk we're both clothed and I'm laying on the floor while she's on the bed.

 

You did tell me, I'll give you that. But I wasn't expecting how bad it really was. You've given me something precious, and I'm going to laugh about it for the rest of my life.

 

"Wrench can watch me any time he wants, but I can't speak for her, sweetie." Lissa shrugs. "Real talk, Wrench can do just about anything he wants to me and you know that, because he doesn't want to do anything that I wouldn't like. But we're not right now, and if we ever do again, you have to know that he will always come home to you and I will always go home to Ford. You are his most important person and Ford is mine. It's just the way he looks at me melts my insides even when he has that damn mask on, I don't know how he does that, and there are no damn words in any human language I have ever learned for how he smells to me, because humans can hardly smell anything, which is probably why you eat sugar."

"And I repeat, you are the most important person to me in any goddamn universe, Stanford Gamaliel Pines." She sets her drink down and kisses him soundly, skirting the very edge of socially acceptable PDA.

"Honey, you're gay. You'd know it if you could smell yourself."

 

You're welcome. Hit me up if you ever want to see some in real life, it's a blast.

Yeah... I know it's just--

That, yeah. I don't, I don't know... You know how society is. Or, well, our society is kind of fucked up about it. I don't know about yours... *Rubs his hands together and then nibbles at his lip*

Yeah.

 

frankly i kinda wonder if its possible not to fuck up making a universe
theyre so like
big

ok dude i am
super duper fucking with you
my man i am twenty goddamn one and i havent had a parent figure since i was thirteen i dont need that shit in my life
i give people shit cause its hilarious not cause i actually wanna be swept away to your manor and have my pert asscheeks clad in spandex

anyway im a god i dont need help
sorry bout the batfamily dude shit sounds rough as hell dont need me jokin about harassing small children to make it worse

 

Lissa blows him a kiss; she'd kiss his cheek if he were closer. "Where I live now, more than where I used to live. But it's okay, honey, it's really okay. And he loves you. And I love you both, just not in the same way I love my family. Or, you know, the same way between him and you. I don't want to hurt you, not ever."

 

Twenty One would at least break the whole streak of batfamily members who got turned into crime fighters way too young?
How's the godhood thing come though?
[People talking about being gods randomly does him a frighten. Maybe let's not actually have the whole "Talking someone down from becoming a supervillain" thing rest on his shoulders alone. He's not super good at that thing.]

 

[He laughs at that last bit.] Fair enough! I'm one of the big flashy targets-- [Vector gestures at himself, gold inlay, reflective wings, and massive crystal in his chest and all--], but having someone quieter's always good.

...and there's that, too.

[Quietly:] Being a god doesn't preclude you needing help sometimes.

 

Fuck you. Fuck you and your smug fucking bullshit!

This is Lex fucking Luthor all over again.

He kills people for a living!

Thanks. -he doesn´t sound greatful-
-Sphere beeps happily and Connor glares at her- Traitor.

I know shit happens. That´s not the same as doing like fucking paperwork.
-Sphere nudges Connor and beeps reproachfully and he pats her, grumpily-

 

oh dude theres no sparing me bad shit too young
that ship has sailed it has crossed all seven seas

anyhow god thing happened cause my sister went off on a suicide mission and i was like fuck that im coming with you stupid ho
and we got ourselves blown up
but we did it on our sacrificial slabs so we came back and now time is my bitch
a bitch who i respect
and then shenanigans happened and we made a universe
im retired now tho

[dave bristles]

let me clarify
i dont need a dude in a bat costume to adopt me and slash or offer to help me when all he heard was me joking about fuckin fratricide
he doesnt know my shit and thats how i want it

 

[Don't snicker at Superboy saying swearwords don't snicker at Superboy saying swear words-]

I know, I know it sucks but you can't just crash into other people's territories without warning. Supes had to learn the same thing. You can't take other people's work out of their hands just because you think things should be run differently. Keep your own town safe, and help people when they ask for help, but don't make things worse, yeah?