shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

andrew
hussie
creator of problem sleuth and the midnight crew
that andrew hussie

 

Fucked that up a bit, didn't you?

[He grins.] Not that you asked, but I do pro bono sometimes. And technically, I'm redistributing the wealth, and taking direct action. Very direct action. The most direct action there is, if you ask me.

 

Sure, dude.

Man, I don't care I'm not picky. Don't remind me of a future where I'll be snorting carpet fibers.

Huh... Also, you're awful.

He was fucking with-- Oh wait, other me.

Huh... I dunno, before I didn't know about that but when I came in here I knew exactly when and where I'd broken off.

Yep

 

well alright

 

That's true.

And yes, I fucked that up a bit.

 

You like it. Me being awful, not snorting carpet fibers. That would be weird. If you don't pick something, I'm doing seared steak and potatoes au gratin again.

Ergo, you're more bourgeoisie than I am. And... you're what, seven? Yeah, that's old enough to be working.

 

I did work!

 

Yeah? Doing what?

 

That it?

I'll keep what I like a secret as to not betray that you're anything but a snarky asshole. Also: Oh no, anything but that. Whatever will I do. *Complete monotone*

 

Lissa gives him a dirty look. "I wouldn't necessarily even know about it, but you can sure as shit bet that if I did find out about it somehow, I have friends who are dimensional travellers. I gave birth to one of them, and I married her father, who's sitting right over there. So...don't, okay? Because I don't really want to have to find out which one of us is a better sniper."

"Maybe it just seemed like longer to me because I was having a lot of fun being cuddled."

 

I did all the cooking and cleaning and took care of myself.

...and I stole some stuff.

 

dude my planet got destroyed and my entire purpose revolves around creating paradoxes and stable loops
i travelled through three universes by the time i was 16
my brother is my fucking dad
i am boning the creator of my universe
if you tell me andrew hussie wrote my life story thats just another weird nugget in a mcdonalds 20pack of weird shit

 

Cute. Steak and taters it is. Do you want something real to wear there, or are you good with my bathrobe?

Uh huh. I'm very scared. Listen, if the money's good enough, I'm gonna do what I gotta do. Pretty much no one's exempt. Except for this particular Marcus, but no other Marcus, and it's very easy to tell which one is which once you get their pants off.

You could always snipe the guy paying out though. I'll drop a contract if I'm not getting paid. Ask Pearce.

What's the fucking point if you're not losing an arm in factory machinery, I ask you.

 

Says the man with two arms.

 

I did my time in 'Nam, kiddo. Kids wish they had a factory job when they're in the trenches with American Joe next to them dying from a septic wound.

 

I... You know, that's fair.

*Looks down at himself* I mean, I could be a cat again and just harass you. Also, hey, it was the first thing that popped into mind when I realized I was naked as hell.... Which says a lot about me I think.

 

[He griiiiiiiiiins.] Yeah it does. C'mere.

 

Wait, how old even are you?

 

*Huffs loudly before walking over, hopping up and sitting on the bar because he's rude like that.*

Old.

 

Twenty-three.

I'm not that old. [He wraps an arm around Marcus's waist and hands him a glass of brandy.]