shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

"My happiest place was when I was pregnant and after that when my daughter was tiny but sex and my garden are my happy places generally," Lissa says cheerfully.

 

I have a goddamn bouquet of children across various universes but I'm pretty convinced I'm going to kill them regardless, so no. Definitely not a happy place there. That's anxiety in a nutshell is what it is.

 

I... how did you... bleep that... Explain yourself.

Sex and the few Siska film marathons I get with Wrench these days.

 

I... Why would you kill them, you're so fucking possessive like how would that even occur.

 

You know, I just [REDACTED].

It's fucking anxiety is it supposed to make sense? For fuck's sake. This is my favorite you but at least therapist you got that. Never become a therapist. Terrible occupation. Totally not worth the pay, and the student loans are killer these days.

 

*STARES*

I mean! I'm sorry, I just... Alright. I wasn't sure if you were talking legit anxiety, because if that's the case then it makes sense. I'm always afraid of holding kids because what if their necks break? They're so fragile and I'm so stupid sometimes.

 

Spoiler: dark?

Exactly. They're like death in a can, except the can is a baby and the death is contained to their tiny, fragile bodies. It's terrible. What if I eat one? I can't be the guy who eats babies, there's no coming back from that. Which is why, if I have a choice, I never have kids. Absolutely not. Nuh uh.

 

... *sets his drink down, leans over, and gently headbutts. Stop being anxious, holy shit he was pretty sure Jordi didn't know the meaning of self doubt but here we are* How about instead of dwelling on that we FUCK--

*Pop, he's gone. Someone just fell*

 

Aaaaand that's my cue. Gotta go make dinner in a timeline, ciao! [And he's gone too. The bar stays though.]

 

"That's sad and anxiety sucks," says Lissa, who is too polite to ask him why he doesn't use protection then.

"But not only do I legit love kids, I'm not human, remember? The brain chemistry I have when I'm in season is awesome, but sometimes I can't think straight. Fortunately, it never lasts more than a week, and it doesn't usually happen when I'm under extreme stress, though it's sometimes induced off schedule when I've been under stress and no longer am...so it's a nice little vacation where I can be all emotions and nerve endings. But when I was pregnant and when Jez was still nursing I could think just fine but I was still euphoric. Some of us aren't so lucky and have mood swings, but I was just buzzing the whole damn time, unless I thought something might be a threat and then I was like about 90 times more dangerous and focused, like being on the hunt with all that chemistry."

 

i got to hold a grub once
theyre bigger and fatter and heavier than youd expect
they bit me
it was great

 

"You have a kid?" Angeth grins and hugs her. "Wow." She shakes her head. "Wow. I wish I'd seen you pregnant, you must have been nearly spherical." She laughs. "Better you than me. I still deep down in my heart think not using uterine replicators is kinda barbaric, but we all know Talassani are barbarians anyway, what with the thing where you think you have to take care of everyone and you don't believe you can sell yourselves." She's clearly kidding and thinks the exact opposite of what she's saying there at the end, at least to people who know her.

 

"A baby troll?" Lissa grins. "I bet they're adorable!"

Lissa mock punches Angeth's arm inside the hug, which is funny because she doesn't even reach the top of Angeth's shoulders. "I was nearly spherical. And Carla said I ate like a plague of locusts. It was awesome. Ford was worried about the birth because of the interspecies thing and it turned out that was very much a problem with later pregnancies--" she winces-- "which didn't take, but the birthing part itself wasn't hard, except she was big because there was only one of her. But it was fine and she came out just perfect. Opened her eyes after just three days, but there was nothing wrong with her eyes. I've no idea why she's blonde, because Ford's not blonde and neither am I, but genetics are weird between species. I wasn't with anyone else during season. I wanted you to be there but I couldn't let you near Ford when it happened--"

 

Angeth smiles. "Yeah, I remember that. So you were already pregnant the last time I saw you. Why didn't you tell me?"

 

Ford walks over and hugs them both, grinning when Lissa snuggles up to him. "We weren't sure it would take. Better to tell you later, if we ever saw you again, if it worked, than to have to give you bad news the next time. We've missed you. If you do come through, we might not let you go." He swallows. "Especially not if Karkat's right and you're risking your soul and your sanity every time you go through. Once we get rid of the bitch we're probably also going to have to get rid of her collaborators. And we'll need your muscle for that, but I'll understand if you don't want to risk your crew."

 

"Pfft." Geth shrugs. "Nobody on my crew has ties outside of it any more. And we've all got a price on our heads. And the Conglomerate won't kill you unless they don't think they can mod you to stay under indenture, and if they do kill you they're going to take you apart to sell the pieces to cover your debts. Anyone who had a contract with a member of my crew had it voided for self-preservation." She shakes her head. "I mean it's not that bad if you work for Skaeth or someone like that, his people don't do shit like that. But then there are Execs like Tafna, my mother...and Graetan. You know that, Ford, it hasn't been that long."

 

they are giant six legged bug demons
and they are cute as hell
sometimes rose sends me snaps in the caverns and im just like damn you woman stop luring me into their adorable fucking bear trap faces
i need these fingers

 

Lissa giggles. "You know I finally just realised who you look like. You look exactly like the Lalondes who come down in the summers from Washington. They're all blond and they all have a similar look. They are also convinced my entire family is up to no good. One of them had the worst crush on Alex. They've got some New Age kind of travelling show, which Ford says rhymes with sewage, but that boy is fucking with seriously dark forces. He's the only one of them that's not pretty, and I think it's his personality, honestly. But you're so nice."

 

Oh but if you're devoted to Gotham's streets, and I'm devoted to Gotham's streets we should just close the triangle huh?
[He leans in a little closer, slipping effortlessly into an artist's accent he rarely uses these days]
Real funny how you've been a kinker all this time and ya still talk like a forty miler all the same sometimes.
Still rather have you as a web sitter when I take a Herbie than anyone else.

 

-he's quiet for a minute-
...yeah, okay, you win. Think I got the gist of that but unless you say it again in French, German, Italian, Mandarin, or plain old street kid English, I'm lost on the details.