shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

Oh, no no no, you're much too far off for me to want to do more than look, I do have duties of my own to carry out and a multidimensional cluster to watch over. No worries there! And I promised I wouldn't meddle with material mortals anymore anyhow.

 

Rrrrright. You better not.

 

Yes, yes, it makes more problems than it fixes, I'm well aware. [Vector is still amused.] My job these days is mostly keeping Robot Problems out of non-robot universes, I'm not going to go crash into yours on purpose. We do not talk about the Marvel crossovers.

 

... For the sake of both of our sanities I will not ask what a Marvel Crossover is.

 

[Vector snickers.] Just yours, mostly. They're absolute train wrecks, but I am, in all my iterations, well-equipped to deal with multidimensional shenanigans! Demigod of spacetime and all that.

 

"Oh god those were terrible," says Mason, laughing.

 

[karkat looks, for a minute, like he's going to go The Full Shitfit. instead, he puts his hands in his hair and inhales slowly. on the exhale, he lets out a few stress clickclickclicks. his tone when he speaks makes it clear this is a topic they've talked about before]

OK. YOU *MIGHT* COME BACK, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT! YOU DON'T WEAR THE DOUCHECAPE FOR NOTHING. BUT IT'S NOT AN EXACT FUCKING SCIENCE, NO ONE KNOWS! AND, I DON'T KNOW, IT MIGHT BE A *LITTLE* TRAUMATIC TO PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU??

YOU CAN'T JUST GO "IT DOESN'T COUNT LOL" AND JUMP INTO STUPID SCENARIOS LIKE AN OVEREXCITED HOPBEAST LOOKING FOR A CARROT. THIS IS *NOT* AN APPROPRIATE THRILL SEEKING METHOD, YOU COLOSSAL STEAMING TURD

 

Sounds like the thing a boring soap does when it's losing money and the producers want to get some attention going.

 

Oh, you're from somewhere they got published? Dreadful, aren't they? And to think some poor sot actually had to be in charge of them!

 

About right! Just with comics instead of shows. Or universes, as the case may be, but, well, everything's written down somewhere.

 

Sounds like a nightmare. How do you even fit a giant robot into arkham?

 

Build a new wing.

Spoiler: Robot dismemberment?

Or you take 'em apart and put the pieces in different cells. Might have do that to keep em from kicking the wall down anyway.

 

[He not so gently slaps Jason upside the head.]
I'll take building a new wing, thanks.

 

Aww, you could be my arm candy. Get you in one of those suits you look good in, maybe... I'm thinking purple or red. It's hot as balls outside, but inside's not too bad. Might be too much for velvet still. I'll think about it. Surprised you want to see the Bodies thing though, didn't take you for that sort. You want to look at a pituitary gland up close or something?

[He grins.] Maybe purple and red. And a good jade silk suit, bring out your eyes.

Huh. Figures. Legally yes, morally, who cares, then. Though you could probably make an argument for manslaughter if you played your cards right, but it'd be hard enough that you're better off letting the fucker that offed you claim self-defense instead.

 

I will let you pick that, because as much as our fashion senses do match you're the one with more experience in the suit department. I request something cut for air flow though, I refuse to sweat my balls off in Vegas.

*Snickers* And the bodies thing is cool, they've got a fish one too. Like, it's super fucked up and awesome-- I also hear they try to shame people out of smoking and I want to laugh at it.

 

[Vector pulls a face.]

Spoiler: callousness, robogore

Honestly, unless you have some very thorough containment protocols for beings my size, dismemberment really is the easier option. As long as the brain and spark remain intact and close enough together, the mech in question will be... alive. I won't say fine, that kind of trauma isn't good for anyone, but sometimes things have to be done in the name of keeping deaths to a minimum. We're big enough and sturdy enough to do quite a bit of damage to most human worlds, as most of the Primax cluster could show.

 

Yeah yeah yeah, I've got you. I wouldn't let you collapse from heat exhaustion anyways, I'm gonna be shoving water down you so fast you're gonna fucking drown in it.

[He snorts, then downs the rest of his drink and refills his glass.] They probably show off alcoholic livers too. Can't blame 'em, that shit fucks your organs all to hell, but also I'm looking at a life expectancy of maybe twenty more years anyways, liver failure is so not my problem. Eh. Maybe thirty, with you on my side. Met a fixer who was ninety-three once. Sweet old lady. Great cookies, diabetes on a fucking plate right there. Maybe I'll introduce you to her sometime.

 

Hot. And yeah, I know they do. I like laughing at that shit because with how stupidly guilt trippy it is it just makes me want to do the thing so much more. *Huffs* Is that how she kills? With the cookies?

*Not gonna think about any other part of that. Nope. Nope not gonna have a fucking panic over that. Instead he's just going to squeeze Jordi's hand and pretend he's chill. He's cool. He's a fucking cucumber-- Because they're cool and-- Fuck.*

 

See? I know old sci-fi is more like a documentary about our jobs, but you can learn something from it if you watch it.

 

I know how to dismember mechs.
-the new robot in the corner adds nothing to explain this. the indication that his alt-mode is something with lots of grindy teeth on it doesn't help-