shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

*Grunts* In his situation I would have just taken the dude out. Or gotten him arrested like I did Dusan.

 

"I didn't actually say it would be the way he usually shuffled off the mortal coil. I'm just saying, hitting on random members of an obligate carnivore species for predator play is stupid as well as rude! Our species is overall less prone to violent crime than humans are, but serial killers exist!"

 

Hey, I might not appreciate the level of, uh, nonsense, that's a good word, let's go with nonsense-- I might not appreciate the level of nonsense you get up to in your daily activism, but your fucking neon bright toys are tame compared to this guy. We're talking not one, not two, but three-- you heard me right folks, three-- elaborately staged deathtraps with all the on the nose obviousness of Banksy.

[He snickers, then kisses Marcus on the temple.] What a weirdo. Paying me for a job though, and he's already dead, so for once he's pretty much secure in not worrying about someone paying better.

Wouldn't be the stupidest thing he's done. I mean, I get where you're coming from, but he made a whole thing out of taunting hitmen. 'Intelligence' and 'wisdom' are different stats for a reason, you know?

 

Mostly we went that direction so it sent a message, but part of me did want to just shove him out that fucking window. Asshole with some kind of weird fetish for making random black guys punch him in the face.

*Sighs at the kiss and then frowns* Is he paying you to kill Ray? Because Ray's kind of a friend of mine? Sorta? He helped us.

 

Lissa glances softly and fondly at Ford. "Do I ever."

 

Ughhhh you're going to get mad at me if I kill him in any universe, aren't you? Here, I'll cut you a deal: I'll not kill him in the ones you're around in and the ones that he's not dead in, because it's harder to pay up when he's alive. But I'm in the clear to kill him in all the other ones I get paid to, capiche?

 

*Huffs a bit* I guess that's fine, so long as it's not my Ray I don't really care. Dude's pretty chill these days, though I wouldn't hang with him over hanging with you.

 

-he snorts-
Nah, I know you're just easy for redheads, that's all.

 

Lissa sighs. "You think we're evil, don't you? I don't exactly blame you. Alexandria was really rude, and we probably do a lot of things that are considered crimes in both our universes, but we are trying to protect the town we live in and the people we care about, not to mention the whole fucking planet we live on." She shrugs a bit sadly. "I'd be really happy if I never had to kill anyone else, but I'll make an exception for the Condesce. You probably do have some idea how dangerous she'd be even in prison, so I won't say you don't know how hard it would be to contain her. But even if I liked the idea of prisons, and didn't kind of instinctually want to eat her heart for threatening to turn our daughter into her shiny new navigational OS, our world doesn't have the kinds of prisons it would take to keep her there."

 

Stan covers his face with his palms for a minute. "Didn't I tell you never to admit any guilt, kitten, unless it's a much lesser and more distracting offence? The pug trafficking joke was brilliant, I'll give you that, but..."

He shakes his head and glances at Jordi. "I still can't believe that interdimensional assassins' guild or whatever let this one out of the house, can you? I'm glad they did, though."

 

"She did good work for you," Ford says, glaring.

 

"Nah, she was effective enough...but I wouldn't have sent her back anyway. She burnt down a building, Ford. They never identified the target's corpse because she set everything around him on fire and after what she did to his corpse, including his teeth, the dental records were no help. I don't know how she managed to burn down a building without killing innocent people and she doesn't like to talk about it, but I do not need that kind of...flair."

 

Lissa looks down at her hands. Oh my, aren't her new claw caps interesting...is that a missing rhinestone there?

 

Glad we could work this out. Don't you think it's a bit weird that some dude in his fifties is hanging out with you?

[Jordi, you have no room to talk.]

Assassin's guild? What is this, a Ubisoft game? Jesus.

How much trouble did that give you? Sounds like Aiden's style. 'Here, let me nuke this ice cream truck for you Jordi, that's the most effective way to deal with these bodies.' Not that he was wrong. Worked out pretty well for me, actually. The hell did he need those IEDs for, anyways...?

 

Jordi... Not really? I mean, he started hanging around with Frewer more after we beat Dusan but... Jordi

 

"Welp," says Stan, "it certainly didn't look like anything I would ever have had done." He shrugs. "I was expecting her to take him down from a half-mile away, do that voodoo-sniping thing I know she can do when she has to, right? I never thought she'd actually go in the building."

 

"There were children there," Lissa says primly. "I saw him..." She sighs. "I just got mad. I wasn't kidding when I told you no matter what Ford said, I'd be happy to take out another guy like that one any day." She's still not looking at anyone's face.

 

"It's not professional, kitten."

 

What? I just think a guy who sits around getting a bunch of kids high is sort of weird. It's weird, right?

[Jordi, thy name is 'hypocrite'.]

You ever ask why? I mean, sometimes you can snipe a guy, and sometimes you start a gang war between the cops and a shitload of thugs underneath a baseball stadium with about forty thousand people in it. Life is like that.

Oh. It was a feelings thing. Well, far be it from me to tell someone their plan is stupid! I love stupid plans. They're so much fun to watch. Pearce was great at 'em.

 

"Why wouldn't he need IEDs? You never know what's going to come in handy someday in a crisis."

Still not looking at faces, oh no, nope nope.