shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

It could go to both of you. Also, I have all the time in the world.

 

"I'm not going to panic about it now that I've seen how deeply you care for him." Lissa drinks a cup of bitter black tea--where did that come from? and smiles. "You weren't together before."

 

Well you're drinking and sharing feelings, so you'll have to forgive me for being suspicious. I've already gotten one of you trashed in here, I don't actually want to turn it into a trend. You're great and I love you, but seriously, you're a disaster while drunk.

It said it, not me. Personally, I've always found charisma and strength to be really good dump stats-- dexterity's fine too, but you can get a lot of shit done with a golden tongue and the muscle to back it up.

This one, not the other one. The other one can still get smashed with my blessing, because it's funny when it happens to him. This one, not so much.

 

Spoiler: WHAT?

WHY IS THERE A TALKING PENIS IN A CHARIOT? WHY DOES IT KEEP MAKING SEXUAL REFERENCES?

 

I am, and I'm pretty sure I warned you about that. *Sips before setting the drink down to more firmly drape himself over HIS person.* The only thing I get fucked up on that doesn't render me a useless fuck is weed, and even then.

 

Warning me doesn't mean shit when you go and get your disaster self everywhere else. You're just as useless on weed too, just in a different way. [He increases the pets.]

 

Yeah but at least when I'm high I'm just hungry and affectionate. *Sighs happily, shutting his eyes.* As if I'm not like that most of the time? Whatever.

 

You're stupid too, but it's cute. Not all the time, just when you're high-- most of the time you're only half stupid.

 

Stan chuckles. "Okay, but you gotta understand, as much trouble as the Martian over there gets himself into, sometimes literally--he's my bro and I love him, and I'll deny I ever said this, but he's pretty good in the right kind of fight himself. I've got the punching, and he's got--" Stan makes a hilarious face and surrounds this with air quote-- "the 'Dark Magycks'. Plus he brought us the Kitten. Didn't even ask if he could keep her when she followed him home, because she's keepin' him. But for all that she has her moments of axe-crazy, she's an eternal source of delight, a powerful ally and loads of help with raisin' the grandkids."

 

Half stupid, half smart, the cat man who will one day save the day. Joined by the dashing and ever handsome fixer known only as Jordi Fucking Chin, the cat man's survival hinges upon the highly skilled and intelligent fixer's whims. *movie announcer voice*

 

Ford considers this. "You think it's an it? I don't know. Things happen, but if I were a demon and could choose my shape, I don't think I would choose a giant tentacled penis if I were female, NB or agendered." He shrugs. "Unfortunately, I don't think I got to point out my own character. Sometimes I think it was 3d6, exactly 6 rolls."

 

"The golden tongue, he's got," Lissa says smugly.

 

Why not?

 

"What else would a talking penis talk about?" Stan shrugs. "I'm just glad mine can't talk."

After he stops laughing, Stan sighs. "I don't think that's what he meant, kitten."

 

[He rolls his eyes and sets his glass down, mashing a hand over Marcus's mouth. Enough.]

Your Siska impression is good enough that I'm concerned. We need to talk. Are you leaving me for him?

'It' is a convenient moniker, and I don't feel like gendering it properly anyways. Besides, most of the demons I've met didn't give a shit one way or another. Probably would've given more shits if I were human at that time, but it's a 50/50 sort of thing, you know how it is.

Really? Always seemed a wee bit awkward and longwinded to me. [Jordi definitely doesn't grin.]

 

*Starts snickering like an ass before licking the palm of Jordi's hand*

Nuh, not gonna leave you for Siska. That's Wrench's main man.

 

Do you expect me to run around using my tentacles? Fool! I am royalty among evil. My thick, green, hide is only to be carried around by this nightmarish gold chariot!

 

[He wrinkles his nose and pulls his hand away, wiping the spit off on Marcus's chest before tweaking one of his nipples under his shirt in revenge.]

I can't believe you're cheating on me to play side-ho to some D-List actor while cucking your best friend. My heart. It's broken.

 

Stan snorts. "You didn't know him thirty years ago. Also I think she appreciates the fact that he can keep going without stopping to breathe." He stretches, lacing his hands together and cracking his knuckles and shoulders at once. "We got that in common." He snickers. "In his case it's science, in mine it's whatever the hell people need to hear so they'll do what I want, because beating their asses takes effort."

 

If you're not careful I'll end up in a coma and then pregnant with both your children.... At the same time. Twins even!