sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

Forget reset powers. The most impressed Sans will ever be by Frisk is when he finds out that they can make fart noises with their armpit.

 

I made a crack about why people on Themiscyra wear lipstick in the Wonder Woman movie, and Sibling suggested that it's part of the "warrior culture with no wars to fight just makes everything more complicated than it needs to be because they need to be doing something" thing. "Okay, now do it while wearing makeup, and you lose if it gets smudged!"

 

"...what if"
"yes"
"what if we WORE THE BLOOD OF OUR FALLEN ENEMIES"
"yeah but there aren't any here"
"shit time to subsitute"

 

Incidentally, one I posted about yesterday on Tumblr in the context of my special-interest fandom, but of broader application overall: You know those dramatic speeches villains love to give in their big final confrontation with the hero about their philosophies and motives and how you should join them, yada yada? They totally practiced those in front of a mirror for ages to get the wording and cadence right.

 

for temple in red vs blue, that's pretty much canon :P

(see: his search history, "nailed it!", a few of joe nicolosi's tweets)

 

simmons used to be one of those know-it-all, imma-scientifically-refute-this-even-if-science-doesn't-shit-to-do-with-it, youtube commenters, back before blood gulch, back when he had time to leave such comments, and one day, he dropped one of those comments on this music video, about how science says it's all bullshit and opposites don't in fact attract.

... and then... he met grif and got to know grif, and damn, he realized, paula abdul and mc skat kat were right. and he was wrong.

and thus...

"is he mc skat kat and i'm paula abdul?"

 

This NSFW fic's description of older Eric Cartman is how I will now forever imagine him:

 

Wow, i really like that, its a good description

 

I think of my own face that way, a bit. I don't think I photograph well but I look fine in mirrors when my face is moving.

 

In Weirdmageddon Tango, Ford long ago gave up on keeping the Gems away from the perpetual motion machines and the harmonic resonance generator for exactly this reason.

 

I replayed the beginning of Final Fantasy VII over the last couple of days because I suddenly just kinda felt like it, and I have decided that Shinra coerced a famous architect into designing their headquarters who frigging hated them. This is why, among other things:

• The president's office is right above Hojo's lab full of horrifying abominations against man and God
• There is no elevator that goes all the way to the top, so the president has to walk up and down a minimum of four flights of stairs to get to his office, and all supplies for that lab have to be carried up one
  
• There is a floor with like 20 doors leading nowhere that are locked at all times
• There are conveniently-located statues blocking the view for security patrols
• When the elevator intruder alert is activated, the elevator keeps going up, and can be stopped and the door opened by the passengers
• There are no stairs between the 59th and 60th floors, so if the elevator was disabled in an earthquake or fire, people on the top 10 floors- that is, the floors housing the top Shinra executives- would have no way to get down (and this, again, includes the entire contents of Hojo's lab full of body horror abominations)
• There are absolutely no security systems on the stairs that go from an alley outside all the way to the 59th floor

And, I feel, perhaps the single most convincing:

• There is a ventilation shaft that runs directly from a stinky bathroom into the swankiest executive boardroom in the building, causing it to constantly smell like a toilet.

This was clearly the work of someone who was forced to make a building that looked good on the surface to the rich executives, but who was filled with the bottomless well of spite that working with Shinra is prone to engendering in people and took their revenge where they could.

 

EDIT: gdi that was meant for the out of context quotes thread

 

Greg, being a proud and loving parent, keeps a picture of Steven in his wallet at all times. You know, just in case he gets the chance to show off how adorable his kid is.

EDIT: Naturally, he also has a ton of embarrassing baby pics. He has a stash he's saving specifically for Steven's wedding. What are dads for, right?

 

From a conversation @IvyLB and I had yesterday

The Voltron pilots habitually pile while they're outside their big robot kitties.

Since Shiro is big, everyone just sort of piles on him. There is lots of space where they could spread out, and in the beginning they did, but at some point personal space isn't really a thing with the people you've been mindmelding with.
Lance and Keith tend to elbow each other until they're banned to opposite ends of the pile. Pidge just sort of sprawls across them. Some poor idiot occasionally gets a shoe to the face.

Sleeping arrangements are similar. Who even knows when they started doing that, probably when they randomly fell asleep on top of each other and it was the first restful sleep they got in ages.
They end up sleeping basically in Voltron formation, Shiro in the middle, Lance on the right side, spooned by Keith, Hunk on the right side, Pidge sprawled across them.

Spoiler: Season 3

When Shiro disappears from the group, everything is weird for a while. There's something missing and they try to rearrange to get it to work.

So at this point it's Keith in the middle, Lance nonchalantly uses him as a backrest. Visitors of the castle might think it's arrogance on Lance's part, but really, Lance trusts Keith with his back. Keith still elbows him, until Hunk tries to distract him with numbers (rarely efficient), or food (more efficient. Someone has to remind these idiots to eat, and Hunk is a damn good cook). Pidge still sprawls across them. She has to be able to get up quickly to mess with the tech, you see.
At some point, Allura joins them. She drapes herself on the backrest, puts her chin on Keith's head, props her elbows on Keith's shoulders, and reads.

Comments on how there's enough space for them to sprawl out independently from each other get met with blank stares.

Sleeping arrangements are a bit more tricky. Partially because Pidge gripes about getting poked in the face by Keith's ribs. Lance is used to falling asleep being spooned by Keith. Keith himself has problems with insomnia, and back when he could just up and take a walk, now he can't even get up to pee because everyone is sleeping on him.
And Allura isn't exactly comfortable with sleeping spooned by Lance. She's not used to sleeping in piles, period, and now that she's a pilot and in the mindmeld, she finds herself getting pulled into the pile. She's not opposed to the notion even if it's new and strange and probably not exactly proper, but on a visceral level, ever since she's part of Voltron, she wants it, this closeness, this intimacy, the utter trust and understanding of this. She stopped being able to sleep alone. The pile means safety.
They end up adopting the couch configuration for sleeping, adjusted to the horizontal plane.
(So they're not sleeping in Voltron formation any more, which kind of is a pity. Mostly because Lotor and crew, had they gotten wind of that, would've remarked on that being adorable. Lotor's crew is in no position to talk either, because they also sleep sprawled all over each other.)

At some point they run into Matt, who, while immensely proud (and mildly jealous) of his sister for being a Voltron pilot, is also kind of freaked out. He remembers his little sister as being exclusively into machines (and he kind of missed her starting puberty), and now she has like three boyfriends and a girlfriend. They're all up in each others space, finishing each other's sentences, snarking at each other, supporting each other. But Pidge (she goes by Pidge now, not Katie) is blooming, she has that gleam in her eye when working on something, or seeing something new.
Really, the only time they give her space is when she's working on something and electronics sprawl out around her. but they'll still offhandedly bring her food and hand her tools.
Only when she's getting drowsy they close in again. It doesn't come to one of them covering her in a blanket when she's fallen asleep on her current project, screws digging into her face, like back home. When her body starts lagging behind her whirring mind they pick her up and carry her into their pile and make her sleep.
Matt tries the "If you hurt my little sister" line exactly once, and gets met with laughter.
One remarks that whoever hurts Pidge will get wrecked by Pidge.
One says he wouldn't want to be the idiot underestimating the mad genius engineer of the team.
One adds that they wouldn't even know what hit them, or when, or how.
One promises that if there's anything left after Pidge is done with them, the rest of the team will come down on them. You hurt one, everyone else feels it. You mess with one, you mess with them all.
Shiro later takes Matt to the side and tells him that he shouldn't worry. All this time she also wanted to find him. She hasn't forgotten him, just expanded her social network. Matt snarks back, well, yes, with a polyamorous group hug. He'll come around, right now his memory of his baby sister and the driven and successful young woman over there are clashing hard. And she also copied his hairstyle for some reason.
Shiro chuckles. That's, he says, because the Kerberos thing was covered up as a pilot failure, and Pidge broke in so often to uncover the truth that she was barred from entering into the academy. So she changed her looks and her name to get in.
It leaves Matt a bit dumbfounded. How did she get through with this. Are the instructors blind, they look freaking identical. ((note: im assuming Matt went through the same academy as the others))
Shiro just shrugs.
(At which point Allura, having eavesdropped, interjects that maybe that's why, Matt's brain shorts out because he has to remind himself that it's not him in the pile. She blinks, looks at Matt, looks at Shiro, looks back at Matt, and innocently adds that the initial team had Shiro in the middle (and her as mission control). Matt just blushes furiously.)
At some point, Matt kind of accidentally walks in on them sleeping on top of each other. He's like, Pidge, what the fuck are you doing. She looks at him and says, it's called sleeping, you should try it some time. Keith grumbles that she should go back to sleep and pulls her back into the pile.

ETA: added a paragraph.

 

So, I was discussing Fate/Stay Night with @KarrinBlue and went on the following journey:

1. Archer's hair color and skin tone are not natural.
2. It's stated that his appearance is a side-effect of magic overuse, and this makes sense for his hair, because hair going white from stress or trauma is a well-established trope. But there's no clear reason why stress on his body from magic abuse would make his skin get darker. And it seems like the sort of thing Nasu would ramble about for ten pages if there was a reason.
   
3. He apparently spent a lot of time in the desert, so it might just be a completely mundane suntan.
4. Therefore, CONCLUSION: Archer has HILARIOUSLY strong tan lines under his clothes. Like, he looks like he's still wearing a tank top when he's shirtless.

 

UPDATE: I have been informed that apparently you can put Archer in a Speedo in Fate/Extra, with art that contradicts this theory. OBVIOUSLY, the new conclusion that should be drawn from this is that he was running around in the desert in a Speedo.

 

Spoiler: making fun of racist stereotype tropes

The Sparra's Tonto Talk is a case of Translation Convention; Mossflower dwellers aren't actually speaking any existing human language and that was the closest dialect stereotype which would get across the attitude. Whatever they're actually speaking is heavily reliant on scents and gestures, since they're animals. Actual American species such as raccoons live somewhat like pre-colonial Native Americans in the same way the British species live like English peasants, but can speak "English" perfectly well. Since human racial stereotypes don't exist there, a raccoon and a sparrow would see nothing funny about meeting each other.

 

not really a headcanon of mine, per se, but i love it and/because it makes no sense

(well, okay, i can buy "biff is secretly in love with temple" but once we get into clones, it's all nonsense)

(and temple/biff being two dorks pining hopelessly over each other at the same time and never confessing how they feel to each other is Delicious)

(Delicious Delicious Angst)

 

in post-pacifist worlds where Chara is alive again, they end up taking to drawing on themself.

in worlds where they go to school instead of being homeschooled post-pacifist they end up making quite a bit of money (for a 12 year old) from drawing-on-people/painting-designs-on-people commissions.

 

Greg has a lot of embarrassing dad stories about Babby Steven, many of them involving him crying at really weird things. Steven can't even bring himself to find them that embarrassing, since he realizes that he still cries at really weird things.

Like snakes.

They don't have any arms.