shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

I'm a hekaton! What's a spiderformer?

 

[Teggy may find his bottle, but Destructobug also takes a little testnibble at his fingers. Glow said no teeth on wigglemonster, not everyone!]

 

I just like seeing them go all to bits. It gives me the tinglies. You stun a guy and what, you get someone who looks like he's seizing and then he falls over? Yeah, that's great. Real fun. Paintball gun's alright, I guess, but you might as well be using a slingshot at that rate.

Mind the bots. If you're getting that close range, you've got a variety of options-- someone wants me to make art of a guy, I can do that, but he's paying me for the expense. I mean, I've got that one version, but I'm pretty good at getting people into secluded spaces without a tazer, so hey. I don't really need it.

 

A living robot that looks like a spider in one form, like me!!! I can be bipedal too but I lose most of my eyes and my legs all mush together, it's lame!!! What's a hekaton???

 

A bomb.

 

[He neatly extracts his fingers from questing mandibles and gently but firmly knocks on destructobot's head with his knuckles. He also seems to have uite a lot of pratcice with that kind of stuff]
Not unless you pay me, honey.
[And there his bottle is. A small headpat later he's upright again and leaning against the bar with a champagne flute in hand.]

Ahh so you're a professional, got it darling.
[He bats his lashes at him lazily.]
Don't worry sweets, I've got more than enough contacts if I need someone taken care of. I'm just known to support local creative minds. Some prefer to call me their muse but what you call me is up to you of course.

 

[Destructobug chirrups happily at the affection and bunps their head into the pettins. New friend!!! So many new friends in this dream!!!

They go back to gnawing on the bar, making happy little chirpy sounds every now and then.]

 

Did you choose to be a bomb or did someone make you one??? You don't look like the bombs I used to know, but I guess most organics don't transform like us!!!

 

Oh dear, neither of the above!

 

Huh!!! You were formatted that way, then??? Do you like it??? Some people do!!!

 

It's not really about liking or not liking, is it? My entire species is this way. It's just how we were designed!

 

We can change our alts if we want, but humans can't!!! I didn't know if you could, since you're not human!!! My species is all different from each other, though... I guess you can't change alts if you don't have blueprints to change them!!!

 

No, um.

I don't change into a bomb. I am a bomb.

 

Yes??? I didn't think you weren't??? I'm still a spiderformer even when I look like this!!!
-With a sliding of metal plates and several clangs, he changes. His legs wrap together and shift to form two arms and two legs. His head moves to the top of his torso, but six of his eight eyes disappear in the process. He looks a little unsteady for a moment.-

 

Whoa!

 

-she appears at the bar, ignoring the bots, and notably not drinking. Who the fuck even is she???-

I just can't get into nonlethals. Taser a vampire in the nuts and all you've got is an angry vampire in melee range. Taser a vampire in the nuts with one of those fancy stun snipers and you've got a pissed off vamp closing the distance faster than you can fire the sidearm you should have started with.

All the old hunters prefer knives 'cause you can make sure you destroyed the heart that way but lemme tell you, you pop a vamp in the chest with a rifle meant to stop tanks from half a block away and it doesn't matter if it's not a perfect shot; you get anywhere near the heart and it's fuckin' gone. Also you're half a block away and by the time their flunkies have figured out how the hell you just dropped an Old World vamp without them seeing you you're already back at the safehouse.

 

-now there's another older troll, this one with legs and one arm missing and replaced by prosthetics that don't seem to be of troll make and equally scarred up, flopping herself across her back-
Gimmegimmegimme.

 

[She chokes on a mouthful and hands the bottle over while she makes a good attempt at coughing her lungs up]
Drink Never Ennnnnnndssssss

 

-cackles at the coughing and upends the bottle, giving it just as good a go; when it fails to empty she starts to laugh around it while still trying to drink. This makes as much of a mess as you might imagine-

 

[Once she can breathe enough again, she starts wheezing with laughter, tipping her head so she can lick whiskey off of Elluha's chin because that's how you drink when you're a normal person, totally.]