Rules thread derail

Discussion in 'That's So Meta!' started by seebs, Oct 25, 2017.

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  1. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    in this case, one of the biggest things i take issue with is cT responding to my attempts to articulate my feelings in my own thread by dragging out, criticizing, and ripping into it in a public, active thread in which i am not allowed to respond, and using 'talking about and quoting my vent thread in public' as a lever to make me stop talking, ANYWHERE, about my opinions, because it was clearly immensely distressing to me and i requested that things not be taken from my vent thread that i did not consent to sharing with the public in a space where i couldn't remove potentially personal, sensitive information if i needed to.

    this was also, iirc, before 'you can quote vent threads elsewhere was an open rule, and it was actually widely considered a huge fucking boundary violation on par with quoting ITA threads in other forums to do that, so it's not like it was fucking unreasonable of me to ask.

    she also specifically refused to have a TCHGB thread with me, told me not to PM her, and--again--expressed that she was clearly pissed at the thought that people could be talking about her in private avenues where she couldn't stop them. she shut down every avenue she could in which i could talk about the thing at all, one with the threat of retaliation via something clearly distressing to me and that i considered a huge violation of privacy and boundaries, and would have taken away the others if she could have. she did all this while continuing to insult and talk about me, in public threads.

    edit: ftr, however you feel about TCHGB quoting, quoting anything from a non-indexed part of the site to an indexed one is pretty fucking out of line, always.

    edit 2: it occurs to me i don't 100% remember if the holler closet was a thing yet at the time, but i feel fairly certain i remember that it was.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2017
    • Witnessed x 9
  2. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    saw this late, whoops.
     
    • Witnessed x 2
  3. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    No problem, This is gonna need mod help anyway for all the posts already there.
     
  4. Saro

    Saro Where is wizard hut

    Tchgb? It doesn't entirely the place for it but tsm is definitely not where it should be.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2017
    • Agree x 2
  5. spockandawe

    spockandawe soft and woolen and writhing with curiosity

    Things are temporarily relocated to a new thread in TSM, even though that's not a great fit for a permanent home. cT has expressed strong discomfort with using TCHGB multiple times in the past, so I'm reluctant to just suddenly dump the whole thing into a location she's unwilling to use right in the middle of a conversation.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. Maya

    Maya smug_anime_girl.jpg

    Now that it's been moved to a more appropriate location (er, thread) I do just wanna quickly add my two cents:

    the two, tops, conversations I had involving cT that involved opinions made me pretty much convinced that I was not allowed to dissent on this website as a whole. I was new at the time, but the way she steamrolled the conversation to call me or others wrong, especially in one discussion that involved a relationship highly characterized as abusive by a lot of people, readers and non-readers of the book series (Twilight), was very uncomfortable and kind of scary at the time.

    There was one discussion about OC's in fanfic and namely OC/canon shipping that I stated my opinions on, and towards the end when I was kind of being an overly apologetic breakdown-y mess, she told me that my opinions would rub a certain group of shippers the wrong way, I think a small group of Gravity Falls shippers, and it was just really condescending and it sounded vaguely threatening in a way, like, to me, at the time, it read as "don't voice this opinion on tumblr, these shippers will come after you", and then shortly after that I was given a lecture on how I don't need to justify things I don't like by cT. Along with that lecture was something that ended up being directed at another user, though the post itself was directed at me, about how once such justification "annoyed the fuck" out of cT.

    The two were meaningless conversations in the end, but it did make me slap cT on ignore for a very long time and avoid stating any opinions that didn't go with the flow of everyone else in the thread in fear of winding her up into a fit again, and I still kind of fear it to this day, even though I've pretty much all but left the site, that no matter how much i state something is just, like, my onion, man, that cT may come in to tell me how wrong my opinion is and how right hers is instead
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2017
    • Witnessed x 7
  7. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    Cool. You treated my post about the discussion of consent laws like it was off the wall nonsense, so let's try this.
    People preying on children is inherently predatory, especially for the children who know what sex is. This isn't a problem to lay at the feet of "rape culture" as though the sexual exploitation of "precocious" children is okay.

    What is "sincerely" in this context? There are A LOT of children who love and desperately want to please their abusers who know quite well what sex is.

    It's amazing to me that you brought up Humbert Humbert recently when the exact justification that he used was that "Lolita" not only knew about but initiated sex the first time. "He's her stepdad though, and her sole legal guardian, it's different because of that power imbalance." Every relationship between an adult and a child, or even most children and older teenagers, is inherently imbalanced. That's why the laws prohibiting sex in those relationships exist.

    This is:
    1. Why the court does not ask a child if they wanted it when they've been sexually abused, and
    2. Why people find you creepy.
    You're the exact same age as my mom. Stop acting like you get to speak for "the youth" in any matters, especially sexual ones.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2017
    • Agree x 22
  8. warehawker

    warehawker Raptor King Of Kiss My Ass

    I can't put my finger on it, but something about this is bothering me. I don't think it would go as ideally as you think it would.
     
    • Agree x 8
  9. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    That's because "precocious" adolescents (at least in the U.S.) don't get to smoke, drink, drive, have credit cards, or have sex with adults. Things that can permanently damage you enough that you NEED to be an adult to handle aren't allowed to adolescent children. They just aren't.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2017
    • Agree x 10
  10. Fucker

    Fucker Well-Known Member

    No real commentary but some shit in this thread is making me :stare:
     
    • Agree x 10
  11. albedo

    albedo metasperg

    Agreeing with this, but adding:

    No matter how precocious and mature an adolescent is, they also aren't the same as an adult.

    There's no such thing as a "child with the mind of an adult".

    A binge-drinking adult isn't going to stunt their growth, or damage growing bones, or cause damage to a developing brain. In the same way,
    adolescents who get pregnant are more likely to end up with seizures. Or blindness. Or heart failure. They're more likely to get cervical cancer. They're more likely to have physical trauma from sex because they may be smaller and have not fully completed puberty. Anti-depressants can cause suicidality in adolescents, and may not work as well. And so on and so forth.

    And just... when you keep talking about how you look underage, most of your friends are much younger than you, people who are underage want to have sex with you, you've been attracted to and nearly had sex with lots of underage people, and it would be totally okay for a sufficiently-mature and consenting thirteen-year-old to have sex? It really starts to look questionable. "Feeling" like a teenager does not make that any less creepy.
     
    • Agree x 15
  12. Chiomi

    Chiomi Master of Disaster

    I want to clarify that I don't think the repeated mentions of age are because 'how dare an older woman have a sexuality.' They are because adults are expected to learn appropriate boundaries over the course of their adulthood: learning is a process that goes at different paces for different people, but it is understood that older adults have had the time no matter what their pace. It also increases the power difference. These are items unrelated to any stereotypes about age.

    Like - I don't like being touched. When I meet up with online friends in their younger 20s sometimes they will want to hug. I will often do it just because the personal relationship isn't something I want to damage by going 'don't fucking touch me.' But I have some friends in their late 20s who have context like this forum who ask first, and when I met up with Seebs - who I like a lot! who is in their 40s! - Seebs did a gr8 job of reading body language and implied boundaries and did not touch me. These are . . . roughly what I'd expect from adults who pay attention and care at all about the wellbeing or comfort of the people around them.
     
    • Agree x 13
  13. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    Yeah, that's why I keep putting "precocious" in quotes because the word is being used incorrectly but it communicates what I mean. There isn't a level of advancement that a 13 year old child can achieve that makes them legitimately capable of consenting to sex with adults.
     
    • Agree x 11
  14. Khan

    Khan why does anyone NOT hate her

    ETA in the name of transparency: Originally I wanted this posted anonymously because I feared becoming a target but now I straight don't care anymore. Here we go.

    "If you're a minor and you're made uncomfortable by me but [literally any shitty excuse] then you don't get to complain!" Sorry what the fuck. Is the implication here that cT thinks there is ever any reason at all it should be okay to dismiss someone's discomfort? Is the implication here that some minors are "freaky enough" that they can never be uncomfortable with you, so if they say they are, they are lying? How is it appropriate to call this "pull[ing] the minor card" or to handwave away someone else's discomfort because you really want to have your speculative biology sex talk?

    How are teenagers making penis jokes AT ALL equivalent to the pattern of behavior cT has exhibited towards minors, ESPECIALLY TOWARDS YOUNG BOYS, as in:

    1. her infamous smut fic of an eleven year old boy getting sexually abused But He Totally Wanted It And It Was Great And Positive And How Dare You Call It Anything Else Because An Eleven Year Old Can Totally Consent,
    1. repeatedly bringing up how she Totally Could Have Gone Home With A Fifteen Year Old At A Convention (spoiler: this shit never happens, and as someone who was one of those young teenagers cornered at conventions by creepy mouth-breathing adults, I could always absolutely tell they weren't nineteen or twenty-one or whatever lie they came up with), and
    2. this frightening business about how "troubl[ing]... consent culture" is for her generation:
    Spoiler alert: assaulting someone IS a wrong action. Sexually abusing a child IS a wrong action. Regardless of time elapsed. Regardless of how bad you feel about it. Regardless of whether or not the victims could be bullied into silence.

    And INB4 you call people antis for thinking it is wrong to sexually abuse children:

    Antis prioritize harm to fictional characters over harm to real people. This is harming real people. I don't give a shit about that fanfiction except as an example of cT looking at something that is unambiguously sexual abuse of a minor and saying, "No, really, look! It's fine because he liked it!" It's the fact that she will die on this hill that It's Fine If The Kid Liked It in real life, not the fact that she wrote the goddamn thing in the first place.

    This behavior is so densely packed with red flags there's nowhere to stand. It is genuinely frightening to behold. It is causing myself and others physical symptoms of sickness as a result of stress because seeing fifty-three-year-olds brag about how they totally could have gone home with fifteen-year-olds hits home for a bunch of people who were taken advantage of by adults who thought they were doing nothing wrong, that the age of consent should be lowered, and that they're totally innocent because those young hot minors seduced them into committing a sex crime.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2017
    • Agree x 10
  15. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    One of the great things about being old is that I know a lot of people, and I have gotten to see how "sex as a teenager" worked out for a lot of people.

    And the kids who had sex in their early teens, even if they were totally sure they were seriously into it at the time, are pretty much all fucked up by it. They end up traumagenic-asexual, or they end up unhealthily obsessed with sex. They sometimes get sorta developmentally "stuck" at about that point in terms of their social/sexual interactions, and never quite able to get past that because they have to keep retrying because it has to go better. I dunno if you were around but a year or two back, when I'd become pretty sure that rigel was being abused by his boyfriend, and I posted about it, he wrote a pretty long response, and... it was pretty defensive, and he was pretty damn sure his boyfriend was good for him and was not hurting him. He's got a lovely thread in ITA now if you want to see how that worked out.

    So I'ma say the upsetting thing. I recognize that it's upsetting, and I'm sorry, but I really, really, think you should stop, slow down, think about this, and consider the possibility that it's true. Even though it's obviously ridiculous. But bear with me here.

    So the thing is, cT, you've got this long history on this issue. It's been >15 years. You are still presenting as totally unable to comprehend why people could or would want to have these boundaries. You're still terrifying people by jumping into unrelated conversations to remind traumatized teenagers that you were fine with this stuff. You're still reacting with horror and anger at any suggestion that maybe it wasn't a great thing. And you're advocating a standard we know results in trauma to a really significant number of the people who have tried the experiment. Even if we filter it down entirely to kids who are 100% sure at the time that they know what they're getting into, kids who have sex with much older people are very likely to experience severe long-term trauma as a result. You've burned a ton of bridges and become unable to continue coexisting in several communities because of your tireless insistence that this did not fuck you up at all, and this does not persuade me that it did not fuck you up.

    I'm not a therapist. I can't diagnose you. But I really think this would be a good thing to talk about with a therapist, seriously, in terms of "is it normal for me, in my 50s, to be unable to figure out rules for sex-related interactions with minors well enough for people to not be freaked out by my actions?"

    And like, maybe it was totally fine, and it was the prior trauma that fucked you up. Maybe the teenage adventures sorta contributed to the problem, maybe they helped mitigate it, how the hell should we know. And there's nothing to indicate any bad intent on the parts of the people involved, but like, you don't have to have bad intent for something to be damaging. Life is messy and weird and complicated. But you are reminding me a ton of a girl I knew once who was sexually abused as a kid and ended up finding it incredibly hard to navigate rules like "it's probably cool to tell people you barely know that you fantasize about them when masturbating, right? like that seems normal". And it took her a long time to get better, but she did. But that involved, in part, recognizing that actually there was a problem.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2017
    • Agree x 8
  16. Khan

    Khan why does anyone NOT hate her

    Tossing this one under a spoiler because if it's half as upsetting to read as it was to write, you'll thank me.

    Also, like, if any part of your position boils down to the idea that because children sometimes know what sex is and/or simulate it, they should be able to have sex with adults, I have some very upsetting news for you about why very young children may sometimes know what sex is and/or simulate it. It's not "because their parents/coach/priest/uncle was a cool and positive sex educator." It's the other thing. Yeah. That thing.

    And now I'm taking a break before my heart gives out.
     
    • Agree x 8
    • Witnessed x 4
  17. AbsenteeLandLady124

    AbsenteeLandLady124 Well-Known Member

    yeah i. wanted to wait until a response post, but. will put this under a cut for now. Like, I know this will be hella stressful to catch up on. I know it'll really suck to hear people coming forward and explaining why they're afraid and upset. But it would be doing a disservice not to.
    You want quotes? Okay. A while back, I got alarmed by your posts, I spent a while looking to see if the thing that triggered it was an isolated incident or not. I found a lot of intensely creepy shit spread across the site. Here's an instance of it, bolding mine, where you dismiss that a relationship could be abusive if the man backs down. Invalidating, often incorrect, presented as a Total Fact.
    https://kintsugi.seebs.net/threads/...-thread-raaaaaaaave.3908/page-799#post-444068 for some reason it's not letting me post this directly, but you talk about sexually charged encounters with teens more than once, and make sure to emphasize that you don't want to fuck someone underage - correct! - but also point out each time how attractive they were anyway - creepy!
    These kinds of posts and the lack of boundaries are why also it's really fucking alarming to see you in a minor's thread telling them that some forms of incest aren't incest and the fucking bowie thing. And no, I wasn't sent by any of the minors on the site to talk to you about this, these are my own observations.
    https://kintsugi.seebs.net/threads/...-thread-raaaaaaaave.3908/page-421#post-385006 - A minor has an idea about a thing to do with anti's, you respond with this:
    So like, in case you're confused, this is why this is fucked up: you immediately make it about you. You then make it about your fucking porn you've written and how someone got a bad impression because of it. Also, given that you say in the post Beldaran quoted that:
    It is apparent that you genuinely believe there's nothing wrong with those sort of relationships. So you get super defensive when that's criticized in fiction you write.
    https://kintsugi.seebs.net/threads/tumblr-txt-cw-possibly-not-mind-safe.231/page-195#post-64909 such as here.
    You were involved in an extended rp where you were having an 11 year old be sexually aggressive with an older partner at times, you got mad when people were upset about this for the irl implications...but you actually believe that if the kid is consenting then it's fine. The thing is with anti's is that almost everyone they critique understands the difference between what's acceptable in fiction and what's acceptable in reality - you argue that things that aren't acceptable in reality should be. You are the normally imaginary person they're reacting against, an older person who keeps insisting that it's fine if the kid wanted it. Not in those exact words, but in your philosophy. What your adult partners did while you were 15 was a crime. The age of consent around the states is 16. Regardless of you feeling it's unfair that your adult partners would have been demonized, it's still illegal and it's illegal for damn good reasons.
    This is a problem with your basic beliefs, which contrasted against how you talk about underage relationships, your lack of boundaries and your behavior looks incredibly predatory.
    Regardless of your lack of interest in pursuing sexual relationships with teenagers, you cannot leave their boundaries alone and actively advocate that if both parties are down with it, an underage person should be able to have sex with whoever they want, and have done so multiple times to a very much underage user on this site. This is actively harmful and if a teenager you were interacting with didn't know better, that could actually lead to them entering into a sexually exploitative relationship with an adult, unlike fanfiction.
    These were just a tiny quite five minute sample of posts I just did a brief search for. You post so prolifically about this shit that it's not at all hard to find. This is why I find you creepy, you're an adult arguing that kids should be able to fuck whoever they want, and you're an adult who has tried to convince an actual kid of this.
    I'm not doing anti handwaving and Think Of The Children, or trying to speak for the underage users on the site, I'm an adult who has watched you interact with minors on this site and been deeply fucking alarmed as a result of other things you post. I'm not saying you are a predator, I'm saying you're acting like one. And yeah, this'll be deeply upsetting to read- do better. I've been keeping quiet about this shit for months and getting more and more and more concerned.
    NOTE: DO NOT PING THE MINOR IN THE QUOTED POSTS IN THIS THREAD.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2017
    • Agree x 8
    • Witnessed x 3
  18. albedo

    albedo metasperg

    Okay, mod question. To what extent is it acceptable and/or appropriate to bring up what someone has done on other sites? cT has had a very active internet presence for a long time, and while I don't want to contribute to dogpiling, I also feel like a few things might be relevant to this discussion.
     
    • Agree x 3
  19. Fucker

    Fucker Well-Known Member

    McFuckin do it

    I’m sick of the predatory bs
     
    • Agree x 4
  20. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    Long story short: Relevance is not a concept we have special definitions and boundaries for. So we aren't in general going to take action based on stuff people did elsewhere, usually, but you're welcome to talk about it, although usually it'd be Fine Imported Drama.

    My bigger concern would be the dogpiling effect. There's probably more than enough people Saying Things, now, and I don't think any more is likely to actually improve the chances of communicating the things successfully.
     
    • Agree x 2
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