sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

I was halfway through before I realized you probably meant Homestuck Troll and not Discworld Troll. I think both have appeal though, both in the 'Disc Trolls eat rocks so cooking is an acid geology chemist nightmare' and 'Disc Trolls trying to cook what they think humans like is a Natural Disaster in the making'

 

Discworld Cutthroat Kitchen would be pretty great too, though it'd have to get fairly extreme when canon already provides the sabotage "all your ingredients have been replaced with old boots and mud."

 

Karkat's god tier wings, contrary to popular belief, are ridiculously huge. We're talking get caught on things, thwap innocent bystanders in the face, throw off his balance huge. He was smug about them for about the first three minutes until the problems became apparent, so now he never summons them.

 

The judges would, through a variety of Humerus Incidents, entirely consist of people who cannot or refuse to eat.

Death, Rincewind (he assumes everything is poisoned) Dorfl, and maybe the ghost of whoever lost the last episode.

 

Death can eat! Remember his curry habit?

 

monsters with horns/antlers do the thing where sometimes if there's two of them who are crushing on the same person they'll literally butt heads in front of their mutual crush to show off

this especially happens in autumn, because of reasons. reasons like the monster Celebration of Romance festival happening in autumn. it is also a harvest festival. those monster species that still have a yearly cycle (even a faint one) generally are most hormonal around this time of the year. which is a lot of them. so many monsters suddenly extra down to fight and/or flirt.
because the days started getting shorter.

result: the first autumn on the surface, Halloween and the monster harvest/romance festival kind of careened into each other and turned into a bizarre mess that confused...basically everybody. on the human side: why was suddenly everything decored out in like...autumn flowers and harvest-themed stuff and leaves and carvings and gd SOUL symbols (both human and monster) and also romance themed stuff, why are there so many chocolates themed after the harvest or hearts or monster souls, who is selling all the chocolate covered bugs. why are there singing competitions. why is there a big play thing involving the farmer flirting with the personification of the Harvest and also fighting it part of the festival. why is everyone so fired up, what is with all the weird clothing, what is happening, why is Fred suddenly like gaudy cyan and black, why is everyone...doing this. why is it so colourful and loud and generally a mess of Chaos that apparently involving large amounts of flirting? why is monster valentines in the middle of autumn and why does it involve so many Competitions and also romancy type candles instead of creepy type ones, where did explaining Halloween go wrong, why are people buying grills, sudden trend in various random-seeming foods why, why are there pickled crickets

on the monster side: why are there naked skeleton decors, are decors of naked people acceptable in autumn (one Incident later) oh okay only skeletons and monsters that can go nude anyway, why are there so many spiders and ghosts and witches and the like, why is everyone stockpiling sweets, sweetmaking competition time, why is it only pumpkin decor, why no apples and everything, is that fake blood, why is there a gyftmas tree the autumn festival isn't over yet, why are there so many carved pumpkins, oh hey humans put out Candles in autumn too, why are there very very anatomically incorrect skeletons everywhere, spiders?? Spiders?? where are the karaoke competitions why is everything a weird mix of creepy themed/related to a few species of monsters/both, where are all the leaf themed decors, where are all the non pumpkin related harvest themed decors, Goth Old-Timey Wheat Farmer is Everywhere (the monster Death figure has a sieve to sift the dust of the dead, some of the older ones recognize the human Grim Reaper but most don't), why are there scarecrows without anything to symbolically protect except grass, Oh No There Will Be A Plague of Grasshoppers Eating All The Grass (invests in like 20 bug catching nets, an extra outdoor grill and a Lot of good dipping sauces for bugs) what do you mean there's no Horde of Tasty Bugs??? why are there no Preserved Bugs being sold that's like traditional


much laughter is had by all once someone realizes nobody has actually explained Halloween to the monsters or the monster autumn festival to the humans and they realize that oh that's why that's there

 

Fire elementals (and some monsters with fire magic, including the Dreemurrs) speak a fire-based language, mostly a 'sign' language based around the shape and patterning of the fire but a few words involve crackling noises.

 

In the spirit of my recent Dracula reread that has rendered my Tumblr dash unusable:

There are exactly two reasons Dracula decided to target Mina Harker:

1. He is a petty, petty man and he's still mad at Jonathan for turning him down, and what better revenge than biting Jonathan's wife, in his bed, with him in it. ("THIS COULD HAVE BEEN YOU, JONATHAN. SEE WHAT YOU'RE MISSING. WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL, JONATHAN, if you hadn't climbed out of my window after I was such an excellent host. I cooked you dinner myself for months, Jonathan. We talked all night every night for a week. Does that mean nothing to you. I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING, JONATHAN.")
2. He found out Mina also reads train schedules for fun. Look, they already have something in common!

 

In universes that don't do the 'human ghosts are tiny' thing-Chara spends basically the entire game either bodysharing with Frisk, clinging to them, or holding their arm/hand/shirt collar and just drifting behind them being basically towed.
This is mostly because they like the physical contact but also a bit because ghosts are not good at sleeping so Chara is perpetually tired. That's why their speech shakes: they're using like, illusionary textboxes as part of a 'heads-up display' thing they're projecting just in front of Frisk's eyes and when tired it's harder for them to make all the letters not move.

They also provide 'heads-up display' services for Frisk's inventory, complete with the heart/soul icon moving around so Frisk knows how the text corresponds to the feeling they have of their inventory, which they shamelessly use to make jokes like buttspie and spiderdont and calling the heart-shaped locked '<-- Locket' if you have it in your inventory during a battle.

Relatedly, that locket is actually Asriel's. Chara's was shaped like a monster soul, and both the lockets had large, elaborate, wire-cage type pendants-large as a fist-with a small music box thing on the back half and an equally-sized solid metal bit on the front that had the engraving on it.
Was because, well, they were buried wearing it. All the delicate parts have been ruined by dirt and so on. Also they don't want to dig it up. Or...dig up that area in general. It'd just be unpleasantly weird. They wouldn't mind getting a replica though.

Or a set of three: two monster souls and one human soul. One for Asriel, one for Chara, and one for Frisk. (Then Frisk and Asriel could stop...endlessly gifting each other the one surviving locket and they can get rid of it so nobody has to deal with the horribly out of tune music box anymore.)

 

The official name of the official Legislacerator teal is "Judicyan".
Or maybe that's just that one hue exclusive to the Cruellest Bar Head Honcho, idk.

 

The Protag for Fate/Grand Order has mad parkour/dodging skills on the level of a danmaku character. If you are in a grail war with almost no offensive abilities you get really good at getting out of the way.

 

Also, as a result Protag spends a lot of time in the Chaldea gym. Other Servants are... varying levels of helpful, ranging from actually useful advice to dubious potions to just straight up attacking because there's no way to learn like really having someone try and carve your guts out with a spear.

Mashu is among the more helpful ones, with a schedule and time allotted and an adorable workout outfit. The fact that she has Servant strength and can bench-press a car takes a bit of the wind out of her sails, but she can still help train Protag!

...who is getting. Um. Advice. From EMIYA. Who arguably should know what he's talking about because he's a human that worked his ass off to go toe-to-toe with Servants, but he's also the kind of person who thinks 'train from the minute you finish your work to the moment you go to bed, get four hours of sleep, then work out until you make breakfast' is a great daily routine and it's probably only due to the literal noble phantasm of perfect healing embedded in his abdomen that he isn't dead. He may have not connected those facts together. Going by his advice, he hasn't.

(this is half provided by a friend on tumblr but i thought it should be here)

 

From my Oathbringer liveblog:

 

While Homestuck leprechauns reproduce homosexually, it was never stated that they only occur in one sex, and even if they do, an all-female race would have an easier time reproducing - see the whiptail lizard. I want at least one and preferably all of the Felt to be either female or a close biological equivalent just to spite Caliborn.

 

Less a headcanon than a fic quirk I do, but I find it deeply amusing to transcribe the communications of troll grubs similarly to the Death of Rats, i.e. only uttering squeaks, except in their respective quirks. Dialogue in quirks is annoying, but when one already knows what they're saying the feeling the quirks give is more important. SQU34K? sQuEaK!

 

Given that Hiveswap implies that quirks are an inborn thing, I REALLY like this and am adopting it as my headcanon. :D

 

Yay, I'm spreading headcanons! ^_^ I still giggle childishly at a years-old thing in which Grub Highblood goes "sQuEaK?".

 

Hell yeah! (Or should I say...Chel yeah? *ba-dum-tish*) You’ve got some really great ones!

 

After seeing this Hetalia fic, I decided that, with the skills seen in his counter-trolling of Tavros, Dave Strider has developed the ability to make telemarketers hang up on him.

 

taako (from tv) is a godawful dancer. he knows this and doesnt give a shit