Fic quotes for the soul

ChelG · Dec 3, 2017 at 6:36 PM

He didn't wake up as you drove home, and he still didn't as you carried him from the garage to the basement. There, you tied him up all tight, and because you're not a piece of shit, after you blindfolded and gagged him you laid him down onto a mattress. You weren't going to just leave him on the ground or anything.

Then, you locked the door carefully and went back upstairs. It had been so, so easy. In a couple of hours you'd had Cronus Ampora down in your basement.

And now you greatly regret it.

You regret it, because even with your repeated ransom letters, and even sending Gamzee to a public phone to call Ampora senior directly, no one has answered. No one wants the fucker back.

Your name is Grant Makara, and you are royally fucked.
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http://archiveofourown.org/works/2186265/chapters/4786635

ChelG · Dec 3, 2017 at 7:01 PM

Crow: I think I've finally figured out how this Jim Theis guy thinks.

Tom: Jim Theis =thinks=?

Crow: Sure. You just have to get yourself into a certain frame of mind. Here, you say something, and I'll say it like Jim would say it.

Tom: Umm... "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation."

Crow: Easy. "Four, or maybe five, it cannot be told, scorr and also sevn revolutions around the red orb of heat, those warrors who bought us life to us and belong to us and also upon this sward, a land less ancient than the moulderng corpse starng blindly at Grignr."

Mike: Wow! That was really something! Try this: "I have a dream that one day my four little children will be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

Crow: No problem. "As Grignr sleeping, morbid notions prnacing morbidly into his oval. `The reddish orb of heat beng in the crimson sky.' Stated the terrible fetid nightmar. And his ofspring of four -- or maybe forty, however it may be -- will hav the dark morbid hand of blood juridicating over all of Ecordia. `Not red! Not reddish! not crimson! Not rose red! Not blood red!' Sayeth Dsipk the judge. But by the fetid entrails will the small rodents be accontd."

[Gypsy enters.]

Gypsy: Hey, guys, whatcha doin'?

Tom: Gypsy, say something!

Gypsy: What should I say?

Mike: Anything! Whatever pops into your head.

Gypsy: Richard Basehart!

Crow: "Possesed of many baubles, the Sward unyielding to grignr, less noble than a fetid dog! Organ of blood pumping."

Mike: That was just beautiful.

Tom: Now never, ever do it again.
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ChelG · Dec 4, 2017 at 3:19 PM

To this end, Feferi found her window unlocked and a ladder casually left askant nearby by a "careless gardener." She also happened upon a convenient pamphlet noting the particular cultural sights and experiences of Duse, "accidentally" dropped near her door by a "careless servant." When she discovered a set of travelling clothes and sturdy boots laid out on her bed by a "forgetful maid" she almost screamed. It was just too much. She had a good mind to throw tradition to the winds and steadfastly refuse to break out of her room and entirely fail to have a night of frivolous delights amongst the Real Folks. However, as much as she might have wished otherwise, tradition was Tradition after all. Her Imperious and Terrible mother would be most upset if she didn't at least wander around a bit and pretend to be interested in the comings and goings of the peasants.
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/344544/chapters/559067

ChelG · Dec 5, 2017 at 9:00 PM

When Dave had told you to 'roll for anal circumference' with his perfect 'did I fucking stutter' straight face, you choked on your can of coke. Poor Tavros wasn't nearly as lucky, and got a Dorito stuck in his throat.
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http://archiveofourown.org/works/707825

ChelG · Dec 6, 2017 at 9:22 AM

“it’s not inside the vagina. it’s the little bump on the outside, at the top. did you look up a diagram before you wrote all this?”

“NO, THAT’S LEWD!!”

“your book is lewd.”

“IT’S TASTEFUL! IT’S TASTEFUL, SENSUAL ROMANCE! THE TEN PAGE LONG FISTING SCENE IS FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!”

“i don’t think you can do that.”

Papyrus clattered his fist against the table, infuriated, the fruit bowl between them shaking under the force.

“IT’S A TURNING POINT IN BOSOM’S CHARACTER ARC! IT’S WHEN SHE LEARNS SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A PUPPET, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, BEING CRAMMED FULL OF HAND LIKE A SOCKPUPPET-- DO YOU SEE, SANS?”

“you can’t have tasteful fisting, ya fist, or ya don’t, but you can’t make it ‘tasteful’.”

Papyrus was leaning in, inches from his face, and Sans held his ground.

“THERE ARE DRAPES, AND SCATTER CUSHIONS, HOW MUCH MORE TASTEFUL CAN A FISTING GET?!”
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http://archiveofourown.org/works/8267503

ChelG · Dec 8, 2017 at 5:52 PM

“Kankri. I’m gay.”

“…you went into that shower immediately after coming home from having sex with a woman, then come out of the shower suddenly gay.”

“Yes. That is literally exactly what happened.”

“The shower made you gay.”
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NSFW

ChelG · Dec 8, 2017 at 7:42 PM

Kankri’s one true pitch crush was clearly fated to fail because you’re pretty sure that the entirety of Beforus as a Cultural Institution was not in the practice of romancing back.
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-Warning for body horror

Loq · Dec 9, 2017 at 6:18 PM

Cyclonus paused and said sincerely, “Thank you, Magnus,” looking touched, and then punched him in the head.
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ChelG · Dec 11, 2017 at 11:37 AM

This isn't from a good fic but I will never ever ever stop laughing at "then he shot a beam from his paw which the rat teleported away from", dropped in suddenly with deadly seriousness three chapters into a story which has given every indication of being in a setting in which magic doesn't exist.

Birdy · Dec 11, 2017 at 3:17 PM

ChelG said: ↑

This isn't from a good fic but I will never ever ever stop laughing at "then he shot a beam from his paw which the rat teleported away from", dropped in suddenly with deadly seriousness three chapters into a story which has given every indication of being in a setting in which magic doesn't exist.
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OHHHH IS IT FROM SOULLESS SHELL

WHAT AN ICONIC WORK, A TRUE MASTERPIECE

ChelG · Dec 11, 2017 at 3:18 PM

Yep, that's the one.

ChelG · Dec 12, 2017 at 7:41 PM

Thirty Hs is an admitted trollfic, can it be counted as "good" in that it did what it set out to do? Because I can recommend most of it here.

Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn’t really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading.

"Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them."

"I am no longer Scrumblegort."
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ChelG · Dec 16, 2017

EB: wow these titles.
EB: first_time_pale.mov
TT: railing_in_the_recuperacoon.mov
GG: cant_get_enough_paps.flv
EB: papped_by_kismesis_kink.flv
TG: little_lowblood_girl_wrings_every_drop_of_anger_out_of_three_subjugglators_and_begs_for_more.mpg
TG: are you fucking kidding me
TG: this pale stuff is just cuddling how do you manage to make it look so porny
EB: highblood_on_highblood.flv
TG: uncensored_handholding.mov
TT: talking_about_problems_and_crying.mp4 oh my stars and garter.
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EB: what do you think will happen next kanaya?
GA: The Placatory Arbitration Will Soon Begin I Reckon
EB: can you say that again.
GA: Feferi Will Use Oral Stimulation On Vriska To Arouse Her Most Intimate Parts Of Herself
EB: no i think you made it worse.
GA: Feferi Will Try To Make Vriska Talk About Her Feelings
EB: ok.
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/890644/chapters/1721488

Loq · Dec 18, 2017 at 1:27 PM

"You're a complete asshat and you type like a tool and you wear Axe unironically but at least you aren't jailbait, Ampora. Thank God for that."
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ChelG · Dec 20, 2017 at 1:28 PM

I prototyped my kernel by mistake.
When it appeared, I threw at it in fright
The snack that I had just begun to make,
And that's how I got stuck with Sandwichsprite.
There's some effects that really aren't that bad;
Indeed, it made my enemies a breeze,
For how much trouble really can be had
When fighting imps composed of ham and cheese?
But still, it sucks. My sprite's not any fun.
(He's mad I tried to take a bite, I think.)
And when I'm in the Land of Heat and Sun,
The tangy mayo really starts to stink.
So listen to my words, heed what I say;
When prototyping, keep your food away.
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-sonnetstuck.tumblr.com

ChelG · Dec 21, 2017 at 9:41 AM

He frowns a little, and you never stop being obscurely annoyed by the way his expression when he suffers political setbacks on a galactic scale looks about the same as the expression most people use for ‘oh no, my lusus made a mess in my respite block’.
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/922301

ChelG · Dec 22, 2017 at 7:47 PM

A quote about a fanfic instead from my friend, Tumblr's pitviperofdoom:

Thirty H’s is about Harry Potter eating a sandwich and discussing life with a famous author in the same way that Attack on Titan is about Eren Jaegar riding a horse and watching his classmate eat a potato.
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ChelG · Dec 27, 2017 at 4:43 PM

The comment on the top flickers, and changes. The anonymous icon reloads as a blurry mugshot: at the bottom of the comment, a neat little caption appears; Trevyk Hartel, Teal, six sweeps. First that comment, then all of them, name, blood color, age, address and chat handle.

A new comment appears at the top of the list, and sticks there. Attentiion, 2cum of the iimperiial network! Congratulatiion2, you ju2t earned your2elve2 exclu2iive 2pot2 on the iimperiial watch lii2t for blood-related hate criime2 and are under 2u2pii2ciion of viiolatiing the Treatii2e of Hii2toriical Autodiidactiion.

That’2 what you get for thiinkiing you can be douchebag2 ju2t becau2e you’re anon.

Watch your a22e22.

You are horribly, shamefully grateful.
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-TW: rape

Loq · Jan 2, 2018 at 4:27 AM

"Actually, now that I think about it, you’ve never paid attention to a stoplight in your life, no wonder you didn’t get it. I fucking hate straight safewords though, nearly impossible to remember and everyone wants to use shit like ‘banana’ as if they’ll actually remember what that means. You don’t do ravishment, do you? We’ll just stick with ‘stop’ then, because you can’t be trusted with ‘banana’.”
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fic is definitely nsfw

ChelG · Jan 2, 2018 at 11:07 AM

TG: you could fix this problem in about five seconds
AT: wHAT WAS THAT?
AT: i WAS DISTRACTED, bY THE HUMAN TEARS STREAMING DOWN YOUR FACE,
TG: those are onions you asshole
AT: nO, i AM PRETTY SURE, tHOSE ARE TEARS,
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Why I'm now shipping TavDave spades.

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Fic quotes for the soul

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Fic quotes for the soul

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Loq rotating like a rotisserie chicknen

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Birdy so long

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