TFs: DARE TO BE STUPID

Iiiiiiit's time for my ceremonial holiday/event STRESS FIC. Because I need to be awake in five hours so this is really the best time to be rushing out some porn. I really should go through my archives and collect a list of these silly things, because I can think of at least three others that match this criteria.

But here we've got Megatron/Thunderclash (5.2k, nsfw), featuring humiliation kink (and conflicted feelings re: someone else's humiliation kink) and thunderclash being really bad at communication and obtaining proper consent when it comes to his own self-destructive urges.

 

thunderclash is just secretly super fascinating to me sorry

So I'll probably never get this said explicitly in a fic, and I probably won't even get anywhere close unless I write his pov, because I write him as aggressively bad at open communication, but I wanted to write these words down somewhere instead of letting them slip away from me.

The whole 'Thunderclash is the most ridiculously perfect autobot of all time' thing is something I really enjoy, just at face value. He doesn't take over the plot the way like, optimus does, so I enjoy his characterization and the role he plays. I love the way mechs swoon over him and the way Rodimus reacts and all that jazz. But it seems a little much to me that this perfect, flawless thing would be 100% accurately reflected internally as well as externally.

So basically, the Thunderclash characterization I like best is a thing where he's very aware of the role he plays within the Autobots, this unachievable shining ideal, with this impossibly long list of accomplishments, every skillset under the sun, inspirational, a perfect leader and officer, etc. This has been an exhausting, soul-crushing, millions-of-years, untold-numbers-of-casualties war. That kind of figurehead is something... important to the average person. Not to all people, but there will be a lot who are helped by having that kind of person to look up to. Heck, the next closest example is probably primus apotheosis, which isn't even limited to autobots, it affects decepticons too. Something inspiring and aspirational, but surpassing what anyone would thing of as feasibly doable.

So it's Thunderclash appear to be the person other people see him as. He's intelligent and observant, and highly educated, with good People instincts. A lot of his skills and accomplishments really do add up to this impossible reputation he's built up over the years. But at the same time, he's in his head more than any other person is, and is aware of every way that he fails to live up to those ideals. When he makes a bad call in a battle, he knows it. He thinks private uncharitable thoughts about Optimus Prime, and nobody knows it except him. He makes a mistake that lots of people go along with because he's Thunderclash, so of course he knows best, and they trust him. Without that reputation, someone might have questioned him more, people might have thought and acted more independently, and his mistake wouldn't be affecting so many other people. (prowl has a similar thing going on, where he might not have the adoration and widespread recognition, but he carries an impossibly heavy weight of responsibility where any mistake has a huge impact. prowl deals by bulldozing through any mistakes and self-doubt and holding onto an ironclad confidence in his own abilities, and keeping a firm grasp on the reasons he made a bad decision instead of letting himself be eaten alive by shame that the bad decision ever happened).

Mainly, I want a Thunderclash who in many ways, lives up to that ideal laid out by his reputation. Skills, achievements, and temperament, he deserves that reputation. But he's also painfully aware of how important it is now that he maintain that image. If he Fails, then simply by virtue of being Thunderclash, it's a disproportionately damaging blow against the Autobots. But the more conscious he is of that ideal that he needs to live up to, the more aware he is of the little ways that he doesn't. Which is the only thing that can happen in a situation like that. By his reputation, Thunderclash isn't a person, he's a fairy tale. And no person can live up to something so... one-dimensional. It's too unified to be a person, it's a story. A person can't trim themselves down to fit that mythic framework (see: optimus, prowl, megatron). But he's been placed high enough above everyone else that how many people does he have to even consider confiding in?

I love a Thunderclash who's been trapped alone in his own head, but is driven on by a sense of duty and obligation. Imposter syndrome, not only in a practical but also a moral sense. Where he's privately decided that he's a despicable, unworthy pretender, but also knows he can't allow himself to let go of that mask. From that position, it's easy enough to argue why every single thing in your favor doesn't actually count, or to call out mistakes nobody else would have even recognized, or given much weight to. Or to come down hard on yourself for private thoughts that you think you ought to be ashamed of, never mind that almost everyone thinks these things. You aren't observing their thoughts, you're observing yours, and now you know what an awful, unpleasant person you are. Nobody else seems to see it, even though you're a little desperate for someone else to notice, but you can't just tell them about it, that would be an act of selfishness too much for you to bear. It's too important for you to Be Thunderclash, and putting your own private weakness and desires above that would be beneath even someone as despicable as you.

And from that point, you have a Thunderclash who tries to nudge Rung into hurting him in very serious ways without giving him the full story about how much damage he's going to do. Because Thunderclash can handle the pain without giving the game away, he can smile and thank him, and what Rung doesn't know won't hurt him. Or a Thunderclash who tries to maneuver Megatron around into tearing apart Thunderclash's beliefs and achievements, and surely Megatron won't find anything disagreeable about that, Thunderclash's failings must be painfully obvious to someone as skilled and intelligent as Megatron, and after fighting for four million years, surely Megatron won't mind. The worst worst worst communication skills running up against self-punishment and self-destructive desires. He doesn't communicate, because surely communicating openly will do more harm that good, right? It would upset Rung to know how much damage this will do to him, so he just won't tell Rung about that part. If Megatron knew why Thunderclash wanted to hear these things, he might pity him, and refuse to tear him down the way Thunderclash wants.

It's a quiet for-your-own-good sort of manipulation that isn't quite in line with the usual character of his actions, but this is coming from a character who has been slowly, slowly stretched to his breaking point and is desperate for whatever will bring him relief, and who has been taught to make sweeping assumptions about how people view him and feel about him. It's... a kind of self-destruction I don't think I see often. The next closest I can think of is Optimus, but he's leaned into being the cold leader who has to make the difficult decisions and might feel numbness and guilt, but not the same kind of self-loathing that feels so nice for Thunderclash.