sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

Zach is a tool. I think my favorite villain(s) were Donita and Dabio, but ultimately Dontia only wanted to wear the animals while still alive and unharmed in perfect frozen stasis so Cruella Deville she ain't. Gourmand is dead set on eating the usually endangered animals for no other reason than they're rare. Which. People like that exist (ortolan anyone?)

Gourmand has definitely prepared, eaten and served ortolan.

 

Spoiler: SU spoilers

Per Pool Hopping (one of the new eps!), my new headcanon is that Garnet gets sensory overload from too many possibilities, because when all the cats are crawling on her she's saying "too many...possibilities"

 

Gourmand has ortolan at least once a week. I enjoy how evil he is though, as with Bill Cipher you gotta respect a kids' show that's willing to Go There.

Spoiler: cannibalism

Gourmand once threatened to serve either Chris or Martin--I can't recall which right now because I'm tired--as a side dish. He was absolutely serious. The brother in question had miniaturised himself and got caught with an animal Gourmand wanted to cook.

The thing is, you can't actually give Donita too many props for not killing the animals to make clothes, because:

a) it would be pretty horrible to be physically unharmed but in perfect stasis and;
b) when Gourmand is planning a Special Dinner, she's the first person he calls and she always shows up right on the dot, ready to chow down.

There was an idiot on Amazon who reviewed the show saying that it was obviously a liberal plot to make people feel guilty about wearing animal clothing and eating meat who also insisted that the show teaches kids not to believe that animals will ever harm anyone.

I was just like, seriously dude? Dude, you're a nitwit. I am a dedicated meat eater but that doesn't mean I think serving bald eagle wings is OK. Also you have not watched much of the show if you aren't aware that the brothers come close to getting eaten themselves all the damn time, and usually not by GG.

 

frisk didn't like their old name and wanted to change it but had no ideas for a new one. when asked for their name by asriel they panicked and just said the first vaguely name-sounding word they could think of and were pleasantly surprised when asriel decided it was a nice name

 

The World Ends With You:

Spoiler

I firmly believe that many of the shopkeepers you interact with during the story are ex-players themselves.
Stores with the Player Symbol graffiti'd outside are magic and let players be seen by regular folks, and honestly that seems like the sort of arrangement that's opt-in. You can't just slap a magic on a store and hope nobody notices.
They don't even bat an eye when the protagonist stumbles in wearing a santa suit/samurai helmet combo*, eats his own weight in nicotinamide pills and cordyceps, and staggers back out again.
Some of this is probably retail apathy, but I like to think they're sympathetic because they had to do this nonsense themselves, ten or twenty or more years ago. They Get It.
Also when you 'level up' a shop (by buying things :U) they'll put up new items with better stats. Also sometimes they'll unlock extra stats on clothes you already own, which I can only interpret as pulling you aside and fixing your collar for an attack boost, and maybe showing you the correct angle to rakishly tilt your hat at for regeneration.
*

Spoiler: Note to those unfamiliar with TWEWY

I want to make it clear that none of these food or equipment choices are an exaggeration. I opened up my old file to double check a detail, and the protagonist's postgame boss rush equipment is, as follows: a cat fursuit, a samurai wig, a skeleton parka, and purple sneakers. Other characters are wearing lolita dresses over three piece suits and Beyblade cosplay.

I'd elaborate further (I love TWEWY and could talk about it all day) but my phone already ate this post like three times so I'm not going to risk it more.

 

Jake and Calliope have at least once declared someone's efforts to be A and B the C of D. Jade got the reference, even if no one else did.

 

@Lizardlicks: Tonight while watching the Musk Ox Mania episode, I came to the realisation that we need to come up with another word for Zach, because calling him a tool is actually really inaccurate.

For Zach to be a tool, he'd have to be useful for something.

 

Kaguya likes to give Grusbalesta various rocks she finds pretty. Most of these aren't in any shape or form magic stones. At one point she would have thought they must have been because I mean they are so pretty so of course they would be magic stones that Grus could research. By this point though she is dropping them off as "research samples" partly out of habit and partly to troll him, because if there is anything she has learned from Fiethsing it is that lightly antagonizing people you love is important. Friendships are built on sighs at bad puns and joking I hate yous.

For context, out of the Six Sages Grusbalesta is the most learned about the magic stones and the one who devotes the most time to them. Due to Zero often being at work and Fiethsing being the happy go lucky shithead she is, a good chunk of Kaguya's schooling came from Grus canonically. Her parents did actually teach her a number of spells, but it appears that Grus is the main one ensuring that this feral child in a goddess's body knows how to magic.

 

I don't know, I think Damara speaking obscenities with a polite tone could also be down to her just being fed up with no one bothering to try to understand her, along the lines of saying to someone you don't like "I'm sorry, would you mind fucking yourself?" Or is it just me who does that?

Tegiri speaks fake Japanese sometimes and does so even worse than Damara does; hers was done by Google Translate, his is done by Google Translating from English to Japanese and back several times. (Canon fact; this is how Pepito's dialogue was written in Something*Positive. Originally he was supposed to speak Spanish properly, but Milholland changed it to the incomprehensible way out of spite when he got a decidedly unhelpful flame message saying "you should have checked the grammar with me" from a total stranger.) It comes out about on the level of "people called Romanes they go the house".

 

lopez from red vs. blue speaks google translate spanish, at least according to the spanish-speaking rvb fans i've seen talking about it

 

It could also be down to her embracing the stereotype a lot; fetishised fictional Japanese women are usually super polite and formal and submissive. Damara isn't necessarily actually any good at that.

 

Remind me to write a Homestuck fic where someone kills a horse-sized rat lusus and makes a knife out of its pelvic bone. Eye of Argon shoutouts are always good.

 

I ALWAYS THOUGHT JADE WAS A REDWALL TYPE AND THIS IS ALL BUT CONFIRMATION THAT JOEY REALLY IS, HELL YES

 

Amethyst is capable of making "suck" and "succ" sound like different words.

IRL. With her mouth hole.

 

neanderthal parallax headcanon:

mary totally had a repressed little crush on louise benoit, and that's why she resented louise so much and spent multiple paragraphs (spread throughout the books, not all in one big chunk) on how attractive louise is and how much attention she gets from men

she was like the "get out of my school" girl, basically

Spoiler: "get out of my school" meme

Spoiler: spoilers and rambling

mary getting a woman-mate in hybrids always felt kinda out-of-nowhere and underdeveloped to me. like, it was nice to see but i couldn't entirely believe in it 'cause it came right at the end, after she and ponter's relationship had a lot of time spent on it, and the series hadn't explicitly shown her being attracted to women previously. but with this headcanon, it makes a lot more sense to me! :D:D:D

 

The only thing that can defeat Fiethsing's love of floating as she damn well pleases is a good box to sit in.

 

FFXV: Noct's name goes according to the ancient Roman tria nomina system, which a bunch of families in Insomnia City-especially the old important ones-use. So 'Noctis' is his praenomen (given name), 'Lucis' his nomen (the name that marks him as part of the Lucis gens, or family line) and Caelum is an inherited cognomen (descriptor name) shared by all the family, or at least all the kings and crown heirs. (Caelum means 'heavenly'-it definitely fits, since they're literally a divine royal line.)

Cognomina can also be accumulated throughout life-these fall into two main categories; personal cognomina and cognomina ex virtute. Personal cognomina are just about notable things about you-your looks, your hobbies, your personality. Cognomina ex virtute are names gained from great and memorable deeds. There's also no upper limit on how many you can have. King Regis is properly Regis Lucis Caelum Murorum - 'wall builder'. And all the epithets attached to the Royal Arms - 'the Wise', 'the Conqueror', 'the Tall', etcetera - are translations of the cognomina of their creators, the past kings of Lucis.

 

Spoiler: NSFW

that tentacle porn anime vhs Dean apparently keeps under his bed is cursed in the manner one might expect a tentacle porn vhs to be cursed (in a tentacle porn vid, perhaps). Because I can't imagine why else a modern human person would keep a vintage tentacle porn vhs unless it was also several dildos.

 

The flowers are just a cover business. Aeris Gainsborough, taking advantage of the fact that she is the only person in her city who can grow plants, has become the Weed Baroness of Midgar. This is where her real income comes from. And also how she first came to the Turks’ notice.

 

Tauriel is the Sindarin variation on the name "Laura".