that one really weird thing on your mind that is making you laugh your ass off

http://zombo.com/

this vintage internet got stuck in my head again for some reason

 

snat

 

UPGRADE FOR GOD

 

I mean, God’s been around since before time began. I think he’s about due for an upgrade. :P

 

roach's post on my dash had the perfect amt of notes

 

GHLFJDSJ ALSO THIS POST IS MAKNG ME LOSE MY MIND

 

friend told me a really bad joke today

why is 77 better than 69?

because you get eight (ate) more.

 

I have three jokes I want to tell of the three best moments of my very long and storied college career. Can't decide which and they're all pretty long, so you get to choose.

[Witnessed] The time I accidentally introduced a Shakespearean scholar to hentai

[Informative] The time I had to explain in detail auto-erotic asphyxiation to my advisor

[Winner] The time I narrowly avoided explaining vore to a professor who was lowkey my lgbt hero

 

y'all really wanna hear my hentai story, huh? Alright.

So my second sophomore year I had a pretty low level lit class that I kinda skated through. For our final book we read The Circle. If you haven't read the circle or seen the movie that came out a year or so ago, it's basically "what if facebook were evil?" or, i guess, more evil. Basically technophobic nonsense about invasions of privacy taken too far, written by people who don't know how technology works. or customer service. or sex. or writing.

anywho.

the professor realized that the class was made up entirely of creative writing majors, so for the final project we could either write a ten page paper about the circle, or a five page fanfiction and a five page defense of the fanfiction. in a development that shocked no one, i chose the fanfic, and wrote 11 pages of fantasy mark zuckerberg creating the website that would become the circle over the course of a three day coding binge because he kept forgetting his passwords to everything. One of the plot points to the fanfic was him watching hentai and realizing "a large enough entity with enough arms could enter any website it wanted, front door or back door," and it was the inspiration he needed to make his code work. utter fucking nonsense, but in line with the tone of the book, more or less.

turned it in and a couple days later I received the best email i've ever gotten.

Seth,

I had to look up what Hentai meant.

Sincerely,
Dr. MacCarthy.


Three years later, during my first senior year, I had him again for another class. His flagship class, Shakespeare. I had forgotten all about his bullshit lit class because it was like three years before, and I only got into this shakespeare class because it was supposed to be the best this school offered. He's a semi-well-known shakespearean scholar and his class is famous for being one of the hardest and best classes at this school. Anyway, first day of class, I kind of recognized him, and when he got to my name on the role there was a long, long pause before he said "Sethrial... MacCoill," and my memory of that long ago paper came flooding back, all at once

I dropped the class.

 

that was incredible and tbh now i wanna hear ALL the stories

 

The hentai one is honestly the best, but the other two are pretty good. Alright, here we go, i guess. the time i explained auto erotic asphyxiation to a fifty year old man who i have to see twice a year for advisement.

I took Dr. Balazs's fiction workshop class the fall before last. He's a fucking boss, btw, zero fucks to give about our personal feelings and all the time in the world for making us better writers. In that class we had to write one short story every week, anywhere from 5-15 thousand words, longer if we felt like it, but not much shorter if we could help it. We chose two of our stories to share with the rest of the class at some point during the semester (we chose slots on the first day, so it wasn't like "surprise, here's my shit" so much as "sommbitch, it's my week. what have i written that isn't utter crap?")

Enter Hampton Patty. Hampton Patty is a wanna-be edgelord who was out to creep out the rest of the class with how dark and sociopathic he was. Honestly, after my mlp phase and reading Cupcakes, then my homestuck phase and Sollux be the Queen Bee, nothing really phases me. One of the stories he wrote is about a guy who tried to hang himself, got found by his parents, said some fake philosophical bullshit while he was choking (which is not how hanging works, btw). Later in the story, when he's been forced to talk to a psych (which isn't how the mental health industry works, btw) it comes out that he was doing it for auto erotic asphyxiation purposes and that he's a proponent of eugenics via masturbation, which is one of the most disturbingly goddamn catholic things i've ever heard. Hold on one second. I need to go dig up the file and show you guys an actual paragraph someone forced me to read.

Spoiler: in a spoiler, because it's kinda gross

“I’ve always been a steadfast fan of eugenics, in any and every form. I find it, as a science and as an application, riveting. From Roe v. Wade to the Georgia Guidestones (built by R.C. Christian) to one-child laws in foreign households, it’s always piqued my interest. It occurred to me, through my studies of the matter, that we hold the key to the apex of eugenics within our very hands: pre-emptive abortion. All of the people that you come across in life, every one of them that you loathe until you’re finally stretched across your deathbed, each one of them could’ve been potentially nullified through some act of pubescent desperation by their hormonally aggressive fathers. All it takes is one sexually frustrated young man to ejaculate into a paper shredder, and too many potential generations to measure are all eviscerated thousands of years before they even begin.

Reminder again, this was the story he CHOSE to share with the class, out of a dozen works he wrote that semester. This and another one about a guy who hangs himself and chokes out some weird pseudo-philosophical one-liner before he dies. Yup. Hampton Patty has a fetish.

And my professor didn't know what auto-erotic asphyxiation is. Hampton Patty's oh so helpful response was "if you don't know, I can't tell you." Out of the 14 students in the class, no one else was willing to admit they knew, so it was down to me to explain to him that some people get off on choking because the lack of oxygen to the brain makes the orgasm more intense. But most people, and at that point I looked at Hampton Patty, have the forethought to do it with a neck tie or a bit of nylon chord. They don't tie a noose and kick a chair out from under themselves with no exit strategy.

He still doesn't talk to me when we cross paths on campus.

I see Dr. Balazs a couple times a year and we very studiously don't talk about how I spent a semester broadening his views with that, what lolita fashion is, the fact that cat shit sometimes has addictive parasites in it, and the existence of furries.

 

seth i fucking love you and would pay real legit money to have you in any one of my classes at uni just for sheer entertainment purposes

 

@Sethrial MacCoill I once did parts of the 33 Day Guro Challenge, and it led to me having to explain what breathplay is to a very sweet conservative-ish Christian acquaintance who I'm pretty sure is older than I am.

Unconnected funny thing; this description of 50 Shades:

Now I'm just imagining Christian Grey yelling random business jargon through a megaphone a la The Most Unwanted Song.

 

Pay my tuition and give me a place to live and i’ll come dick around at your college for a couple semesters

 

I’m at work rn but it’s slow as shit so here’s the vore story. This happened the same semester as the auto erotic asphyxiation story, but in a different class and with a different professor.

Sarah Einstein is my hero, you guys. She’s has a phd in literature that she paid for by making moonshine. She’s a german baroness by marriage. Her either mother or grandmother, i forget which, is a holocost survivor and she has a ton of stories about that. She’s a bisexual 50 year old who has been out and proud, fighting the good fight, since the 80s. She’s also one of the most intelligent, thought provoking, do no harm but take absolutely no shit human beings I’ve ever met.

One day in class we were talking anout religious fundamentalists, of which she has a few in her very large jewish family. She doesn’t agree with them, but as she put it, “if I believed, if I knew in my heart of hearts that there was a hungry tiger in the hallway, I would do everything in my power to stop you from going out that door.”

To which I responded, “it’s my right to get vored by a tiger if i want.”

She asked me what vore was and for the first time in my life I practiced discretion and said “it’s a dumb joke from the internet about eating people. Don’t worry about it.”

She friended me on fb at the end of the course. If she’s ever looked up what vore is she hasn’t said anything about it.

 

As a young adult I spent quite a bit of time on Weepingcock, an lj forum for posting gawdawful/hilarious lines from sex scenes. I rather miss it, even if it has led to me explaining why I know what knotting is.

(Amusingly, my phone wanted to correct lj to old. Harsh, phone.)

 

I LOVED that community! Do you remember the Three-Ring Binder stories?

 

It rings a bell, but I can't remember any specific details. I think that's where I saw the fic about Draco fucking Hermione's nose, though.