'm just sayin'. Nightwish are hella nerds. :::PPP (We won't even talk about FantasMic or Endless Forms Most Beautiful or Edema Ruh or 7 Days to the Wolves.)
I'm sorry, just throwing random names of places and personages into song lyrics like that reminds me of a Tolkien-fan version of Weeblish. "I know karate kawaii and seven other Japanese words and to prove it I'm going to drop them all over the place randomly."
When I told my pathfinder GM that I can read about 2 chapters sober, and about 4 drunk, he told me that that should tell me something about the quality of Tolkien's writing. That being said, I still have half a litre of cheap plum wine and a fancy miniature goblet, so let's do this. THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING - CHAPTER 10 - A knife in the dark Ominous, ominous. Just one knife? I dunno, if I were out to fuckin murder someone and had the people and chaos to spare, I'd send more. And, honestly, were I Frodo, I would've left right that moment. But he's not the sharpest spoon in the shed. Motherfuck the Riders ain't that clever either are they. Not a "Yo we's travellers, is there still a room open? We can stack.", but an "Open! In the name of Mordor!" aka "Yes please shoot me I am a bad guy" Wait we're back in Buckland? How did I miss that line. Still, not the subtlest. You guys might want to invest in a bag of holding or four. And of course the old bastard is gallivating about. Wonder if he'll get lynched by the evening, the way stories travel here... The fuck are midges. Where is my dictionary. Mücken, huh. Well yes, what did you expect with so much standing water. I wonder who wields that knife. Can't be Butterbur or Strider, they belong to Gandalf. Can't be Ferny, he's a load of lukewarm air. Probably that mysterious other dude who was desccribed as half-goblin, whatever the fuck that means. y'all need one of those net-tents that keep shit out It's a rave party, Frodo, a rave party If you don't know where tf Gandalf is, why do you even want to make for that damn place. Gandalf can see you from up there, but I don't think you'll be able to glean much from it... why would you want to rest and eat under an aldertree. why. strider sleeps like gandalf, and like elves: WITH THEIR EYES OPEN i think by this point, i should be counting days. for shiggles. meaning between this chapter and the next, i will count how many nights passed since they departed, and from then on include that in the posts. i say, and get an actual date. gods damnit. ok, when did they leave... ok, on september 24th, and now it's october fifth,which means we're drawing to the end of the twelfth day. a path that is made so people can't see well what's around and in front of them? either a well-hidden smuggler path, or a path made for ambushes. considering they're AMONG BUSHES. (bzw sie sind am busch) I'm not making notes of these names and histories. it's too late and I'm too drunk to care. But Strider knows them, as hinted by him not only knowing, but also referencing the poem that goes with his name, which I currently refuse to say. Names have power. His makes it so that whenever I think 'Aragorn', I see that meme of "One does not simply walk into [place]" in front of my mental eye. Thank you, Sam, for the history lesson. I conclude that Gil-Galad was a giant shining target, and choose to believe he tried to set fire to somebody with his reflective shield, but got beaned off his horse before he managed that. So Bilbo is one of those assholes who translate poems and make them rhyme. Wonder how much he edited to make that work. -- holy shit i got distracted by looking for a d&d story including a horribly exploited amulet of fireball and absurd amounts of damage, and it'snow half past 1, i started this at like 9 or something. -- Don't say that so loudly, Don't say that so loudly, Third time's the charm, The trail is still warm And the riders are almost upon us So someone made a campfire and watched out that it didn't burn down the whole forest? How nice of them. How warm are the ashes? You guys can't see shit in the dark and if I read this correctly neither can Strider, so unless one of the bad guys following you has night vision, travelling at night and holing up somewhere during the day might be your best option... A detail I do not remember from the films: Strider smokes pipe. Bluh bluh kind of disjointed song, might want to stop getting it to rhyme and preserve the story it's telling. Also history lesson. You might've wanted to put out the fire that is signaling your presence to everyone with eyes. Well that didn't work. Frodo, you might want to put the ring somewhere else. Not on your dick, though.
The really hilarious thing is everyone and their dog smokes pipe in middle earth. Like literally everyone. I can't think of a single person who I would be surprised if told they smoke pipe.
Spoiler: not much of a spoiler but hiding it in case Kite doesn't want to see Well, the Rohirrim are all like, "lol, nobody told us legendary little people blew smoke from their mouths," so apparently they don't. And Saruman makes fun of Gandalf for it, but Spoiler: same Merry and Pippin find crates of Longbottom Leaf in Isengard, so maybe he's just a hypocrite. :::PPP
I'm out of ume, this is a travesty. THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING - CHAPTER 12 - Flight to the ford Frodo wakes up to three of his idiots poking him with sticks, to see if he's dead, or if he's going to raise as a ringwraith anytime soon. They get disappointed. Strider went off again somewhere to gather weed, because everyone needs to fuckin chill and realize that the dark riders also come with an inbuilt fear effect, meanwhile Frodo lays the groundwork for the "I feel cold, so cold" dying trope without actually dying just yet. We also learn that there were only 5 of the usual 9 present, number slowly increasing. Maybe some went drunk riding and need to be picked up on the way, or are sightseeing somewhere. What we also learn is that the riders are counting their chickens before they hatch, or rather, their dead and subdued hobbits before they die. Idiots. I am going to ignore that passage and shuffle it over to the porn writers. The ringwraith prove their idiocy once more by leaving clues and the murder weapon at the crime scene, so it can be counteracted. Gawds. Also, Strider, you might wanna procure some seeds, or roots, or whatever this plant uses to make new plants, and give them to someone who can grow more of it. Also, if the chill comes from inside, try drinking the damn leaf water. Inject it. BECOME ONE WITH IT. WHY DID YOU COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IF GANDALF HAD BEEN THERE HE WOULD'VE SEEN YOU AND SAUNTERED DOWN ACTING LIKE HE HAD JUST BEEN PASSING THROUGH. Frodo also proves, again, that he's not the sharpest wanker in the shed because he doesn't think to mention his growing pain to the only guy who can somewhat deal with it, and who had better grabbed more than one dose of magic healing weed. Elf sentry #1: So we're expecting some dudes sent by Gandalf who are on some sort of quest, but I have this voucher for Applebee's, should we order via courier? Elf sentry #2: Nah just drop this random rock, no one ever comes across this bridge. Party veers straight into unknown territory and get fucking lost #3 You'd think they'd learn at some point to pick out a landmark and stick to it. Of course don't build, they've got their carpenter drones for that. Wait. Wrong trolls. Also evidently, someone here has put skill ranks in Handle Animals, as that pony got friendly mighty quick. For trolls being so dangerous and vile, you guys are sure treating them like zoo animals. Fellowship of the Ring continues being a Bollywood production. On the other hand, song means some lifted spirits. Kind of like scout songs. Frodo proves he knows nothing about classes, as Sam is clearly a bard. NO CAPES Also, sounds like an elf. Apparently, a great deal of elves are so magic they can heal. Cool. Glorfindel, thankfully, has some sense in his noggin, and a horse not only with GPS, but also autorouting. He is also sensible enough to travel through the night and rest once there's enough light to ward off trolls, and the more light-allergic of the ringwraiths. They do horse around in the sunlight, but iirc all attacks were during the night. Glorfindel also apparently has a sense for Ringwraiths, and some just appeared on his minimap. Frodo barely makes it across the river because apparently this horse doesn't need no bridges, and the ringwraiths are like vampires and can't cross running water. #lol And then the cavalery arrives, apparently? And we're at the end of the first book of Fellowship of the Ring. Glorfindel, meanwhile, is currently my favourite character. He has displayed more sense than everyone else combined. Yes, including Strider, the rest is just that bad.
The pomegranate wine I got at my last ren faire tastes an underwhelming amount like grape wine. I am disappoint, and suspecting that what I'm tasting that makes grape wine taste like ass are the sulfites. Anyways. THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING - BOOK 2 - CHAPTER 13 / 1 - Many Meetings I recall an anecdote of someone reading the Ring during its creation stages, and remarking "oh god no please not another elf", or something along those lines. I wonder if it was during this chapter, because we are about to reach Rivendell, which is infested by them. We are also on day... 25 or something. Give or take. October 24th, thank you Gandalf. You'd make a good timepiece. It also means that Frodo has slept a few days. Gandalf you... just up and read Frodo's mind and memories. While he was recovering from a nearly-fatal injury. I'm fairly certain he did not to this, and needs an adult whois not you, and also not willing to rugsweep your behaviour. You need to go to jail, Gandalf. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 Boonbucks. (Can you imagine Alternian Monopoly tho) Page 236, Gandalf said that he was delayed. I seem to recall a line about wizards not being late, and I WILL trot this here out if that wasn't just from the movie. Or from the Hobbit, for that matter. In the meantime, Gandalf dodges Frodo's questions under the guise of care, but I know spinning minds, and keeping stuff from them tends to only make things worse. And Frodo confronts his racism, and further hammers home that he is, in fact, about as straight as a rainbow. Hmhm, sure you didn't mean fond. Suuuure. Thank you, Frodo, for at least being recalcitrant about wanting answers. Wow, Gandalf, wow. You added some cantrips to make the water take shape. I'm sure it helped. Also, Gandalf, you only need to go so far as to talk him to sleep, not death. Hello Sam. You hide your gayness and crush on Frodo poorly. (He takes his hand. Looks away. Blushes. HE ACTS LIKE A DAMN SCHOOLGIRL.) ... If I didn't know better, I would've wondered if someone had mucked up and inserted some fanfic passage describing a veritable host of Mary Sues. And I still need an index of place names with corresponding map coordinates. Where was Lórien again? Ah, down there. #politics So some of the dwarves have let themseles go and have become obese, and some are missing. I do wonder if we will come across them, or their remains. #foreshadowing Oh hey, that's where you old oddball ended up. -hollers softly- neeeeeeeeeeeerds Also interesting to note that Bilbo still can't, mentally, let go of the ring. He had it for too long, I suppose... This song is weird, it keeps changing the verse length, but some of the lines flow very, very nicely. Also #mythology #history i guess And I have no fucking clue what it's about. Some elf dude on a ship. Blrgh. I'm fairly certain someone who's not as tipsy, sleepy, and unfamiliar with the setting as me could draw something out of those last few pages (aside from them leaving Sam behind #rude, and the very *cough*un*cough*subtle of 'yo Aragorn and Arwen are totally bangin'), but I'm gonna call it a night here. I have only one glass of booze left. Help.
So it turns out I still have some scotch, but I also lost my taste for straight scotch. It's acceptable when mixed with hot chocolate. The fridge experiment has turned into vinegar. And I'm already having trouble typing, wtf. BOOK 2 - CHAPTER 14/2 - The Council of Elrond Sam is kind of like a loyal dog, always at his master's heel, making sure he's alright. And these idiots should stop being mean to him. He's like, a service dog. Gods know Frodo needs him to keep his head straight (lol) and not utterly fail because of logistics. Also, we meet Gimli. Sup. Also, we meet Legolas. Sup. (A strange elf, meaning "not beautiful beyond compare"?) And we meet Boromir. Sup. All I remember of this dude is that he'll die. Wealthy, sturdy, but worn clothes. Hm. So something is afoot in Moria, and the warnings of old have been thrown into the wind #foreshadowing Sauron continues being a bold-faced liar. The dwarves tell of their messengers. They do trust Elrond Enouh to ask for counsel. Which is interesting, because in more recent fantasy literature, they tend to be a lot more at odds. Also efreshing to see that tthat the timeframe for responses (and travelling) is more appropriate. Not "tomorrow", but "before the end of the year" (with a few month still left to said year), which is more sensible for actual politics, although it also gives Sauron time to amass power. At that point, it's bend th knee or be overrun. Nasty choice. Elrond gives a history lesson. Isildur refers to the ring as his weregild, as it had already taken his mind. The history lesson continues. I think I need a flowchart to understand this. Who are these people. Why should I care about them. What with the sleeping watch and forgotten horrors, I recall GRRM having a similar theme in ASOIAF. Someone should send Mount Doom a self-help book. Smoking is not healthy. Thing I still like: Reasonable travelling time. A hundred and ten days Boromir travelled from his usual area to Elrond for counsel, long before Frodo decided to set out at last. Gives you a sense of the world, and that it's actually somewhat large. #prophetic dream ex machina Meanwhile, Bilbo attempts to give history a nudge or two. His seems more like headology, though. While the Ranger's position in relative obscurity is thankless, it also helps keep them out of Sauron's attention. Some dudes running through the forest has a decidedly different priority than "the descendants of the Dúnedain who are still capable and willing to try and fuck your shit up" I think at this point, the reader might want to (re)read the Hobbit. Bilbo casually leaning on the fourth wall before it was cool. Saruman, you fuckwit, don't you know that no plan survives enemy contact? Yes, yes, Saruman has fallen to Sauron's talk. We get it. Can we ove on now, please? I have to admit, I laughed out loud at that part. Saruman gives his speech about how great he is, and Gandalf just goes "I don't like your shirt. Your fashion sense sucks." I mean, what do you even say when confronted with that. Look, but don't touch. In most regards I even agree with this, but sometimes you just gotta break shit to get to the core. Blah blah, let me make you an offer you can't refuse. Next! Let me correct that, "You disagree with me, therefore you're stupid." Next! Fast-travel horse! I wonder what would happen if you put something around the Ring. Like, insert it into the hilt of a sword, or a die. Somewhere you'd have to melt it out of, but it'd stop being quite so... obvious. Hell, dump it into some scrap metal and then dump it into the sea, less chance of it being discovered by being shiny. Of course, it'd probably still mindfuck something into taking it back up. Options are discussed. Boromir maintains that Gondor will stand strong, even though they just about gave Gandalf the boot. Maybe Gondor is just sick of the thankless job it does. To go straight for Mordor might also be the one thing Sauron does not actually foresee. He might judge that they're all fleeing, and, with the correct misdirection, they might manage to throw him off the trail for a while, but as he widens his search radius, he might miss that the ring has slipped throuh the cracks into his domain. Unless one of his loyal eyes and ears is like "yo there's these four hobbits here..." Stop separating Frodo's service/guard animal from him. And I should stop referring to Sam as a dog. Although he might as well be one. Exceptionally loyal.
For all of you who believed me when I said I'm a basement dweller who fears the sun, I have deceived you, as I am sitting in the shade on a sunny day, no one had to force me, and am enjoying the weather. The wifi helps. And that last night's storm dissipated the sweltering heat. I also forgot to return to this. Oops. On a related note, I am vindicated in my hatred for Hohlbein and everything he wrote. Onwards then! I have no clue what's going on anymore and am typing this on my phone because of reasons. Now where were we? Ah yes. The Fellowship of the Ring - Book 2 - Chapter 15/III - The Ring goes south What a title. Does the situation go south as well? Wait, no, don't answer that, this is LOTR, of course it does. It begins with our Hobbits having opinions on how the council went. Frodo thought this would be the end of it (oh you sweet poor summer child) and doesn't want his friends to tag along. Said friends meamwhile democratically overrule him on that matter and prove they are overall more sensible. Sam is just proactive about it. Everyone needs a Sam in their life. Pippi meanwhile fancies he's smart and I don't have anything in my notes to refute that, even though the situation just begs for a "Pippin, you once ate an entire bushel of unripe rowan berries on a dare" #ceiling wizard is watching you How am I supposed to keep track of the date when the narrative just #yolos it, augh. Is Rivendell a fey place where clocks aren't real, or does it just mess with you because it's fey? Autumn wanes. Hunter's Moon, or blood moon. Oh, we had one of those a few days ago. (a red moon that is. not bright, though, and Hunter's Moon is bright) Just that it's late July, Hunter's Moon is October-ish and November-ish every four years which ought be the case what with it being very late October. And a red star #mars Two months later, it's almost January, don't you guys have a mountain pass to cross? Are you mad? You hurry so you don't have to cross ot mid-winter! (some of the scouts have, in fact, crossed the pass mid-winter, the utter loons) Pippin out-stubborns Elrond, although I can understand his concern wrt messenger. The question remains if the Hobbits would listen. ... Considering that I distinctly recall sone of the humans much closer to the whole mess not listening, no, probably not. Frodo gets some nice magical equipment. Late December travelling. shakes head Sam has definitely taken skillpoints in Handle Animal. Sam, you guys are going over the mountains. Of course youll need rope omf Listen you'll have to cross the mountains at some point, even if you travel west of them for now and don't pass through the Mirkwood. The mountains are higher to the south, shouldn't you want to keep to the slightly less higher ones with the presumably easier passes? It is quiet... too quiet. ... I am not all that sure that being a couple days south changes that much in deep winter in the mountains, consider the Alps. Why didn't yall pack white cloaks for this? Ankle-deep snow? Only? Lusten I'm a sweet summer child who's only ever lived on warm, low flood plains, and I know ankle deep is nothing on a high, untravelled mountain pass in the dead of fucking winter. It should've been snowed in for the past month already. Frodo is starting to show signs of bad hypothermia, namely feeling warm in a blizzard. Also, January 12th, thank you hallucination of Bilbo. Does elven booze work differently than human booze? Because that stuff makes you lose warmth faster. "I go find the sun" Legolas you fuckin dweeb Say what you will about this book but I'm learning new words. No clue on how to pronounce them though, english is weird. And this is why you do not attempt to cross a mountain path in the dead of winter and an evil wizard keeping an eye on you who can make the pass even more shitty to pass.
I ought to be able to manage another chapter before my battery runs out. The Fellowship of the Ring - Book 2 - Chapter 16/IV: A journey in the dark Hrm. Chance of Dwarves, huh. I mean I know how the story goes, but one wonders why Gimli holds hope when there was no word from them in however many years. So the mines itself are the way through, but you'd think a city of that magnitude would have entrances on both sides apart from the mines. One thing I really love about the Sansûkh fanfic is that it has translation tooltips. This here does not even have footmarks. Wolves that leave no corpses? Sounds like summoned creatures, although those tend to despawn immediately upon death. "These were no ordinary wolves" Yes Gandalf we gathered when they launched that attack. Can you please explain what that means? Ooh, big dam. You could probably put a nice water power plant there. Also please do not go swim in the dead of winter without a place to dry and warm up nearby. And that's why you want a password recovery system, although the script above the doors basically is that. The version I'm readibg has and image of the doors and a transliteration of the elven script into latin. Which includes the damn password. Well, at least they have fire safety. Is there a freshwater squid in the water, or a lovecraftian horror? Personally I like to believe these continental folks have never even heard of squid or octopodes, and the huge thing is just hungry. "There are many streams and wells in the mines" Uhm, isn't water in a mine a bad thing? Like, a seriously really damn bad thing? Pascal's Law and such. At least the travelling takes time. ...Orcs are somewhat nocturnal, aye? Or was that fanfic? Because these damn glow in the dark swords are like a beacon in the dark. Yyeah, you oughta have invested in a bag of holding. Lots of talk about the riches of khazad-dûm, but I think I agree with Sansûkh -- the dwarves return for they were their ancestral halls. (might be that that passage is close to canon later, but I'm not that far) Also, is that Gollum following them? The dwarven runes look a lot like the Futhark alphabet, some cross of the elder and the latinized versions with some additional weirdness. There is a very big difference between the films and the book, regarding this scene. In the film, Gimli was looking forward to seeing thise who had left for khazad-dûm, exuberantly hopefu, bragging about what he imagines is a successful colony tgat has taken back their ancestral halls. In the book, there's nothing of it. He mentions they could still be there, but it is not the soul-crushing whiplash of hopes shattered in a single blow. Which does make more sense. There would have been signs of life, both over the years, and when the fellowship arrived.
I fully admit that I'm just imagining the mines - and most dwarf colonies - as being something similar to Dwarf Fortress. So it doesn't feel unreasonable to me that Gimli's holding out hope that there's people (even a full colony) down there when no one's heard from them in years, because hey, maybe they just got busy following a really rich vein of something or other and forgot to prepare anything for the trade caravans! And it's not like it's easy to get to the mine to begin with, and mail isn't always reliable. (But yeah, I think he's definitely being...overly optimistic.) Usually, yes! For a given value of "really seriously bad" - I mean, a bit of condensation or some puddles isn't too bad, and it's possible to find caves that have streams or rivers running through them. But if the water's getting (I believe) to be more than ankle deep to the miners and has a source that's bringing more in, you want to either avoid that area entirely or get pumps in to drain it regularly. And this is (if I understand right, which I might not because also not a miner) something which generally needs to be dealt with on a regular basis as you dig deeper - you'll usually cross the water table, and start dealing with water starting to seep in through the walls or up from the ground. But if you've built a whole city down in the mine, you generally want a water source that's safe and doesn't require trekking outside in the dead of winter to access it. I could give this bit a pass if we're assuming that there's some word in Dwarvish for 'mine which is also a town or a city' that doesn't translate well into whichever language they're using.
no. i refuse to accept this. he did all this other worldbuilding shit he can show the dwarves some love too. Points taken. I was mostly referring to an aquifer, underground river, or, god forbid, a lake draining into the mines. But yeah, should've remembered ground water. (wasn't the implication with the balrog that the dwarves managed to dig down into hell?) you'd think that between jrrts worldbuilding and his penchant for infodumping, we'd have learned of that concept and term. and that with it being a pass down, you'd want travellers take another route than the mines. back then they did have visitors... maybe there was a separate path that was destroyed, but yoy'd think we'd have heard of that as well. multiple mine exits i can see. do you think the dwarves have managed to invent pumps? ... for some reason im reminded of minecraft right now, and the fact that ive spotted a couple cave openings underwater, mostly by virtue of lava glow. (minecraft water physics, man) i wonder if, under the right circumstances, you can have an underwater cave that opens into the water but does not drain the body. like, big trapped air bubble, and the cave opens into that air bubble. hm. might need to be a closed system, or, if it lies high enough, drain somewhere lower. the lake exists because it gets filled faster than it drains.
