Vent Colin's upset zone

still an idiot

still extremely fake

still dont deserve any help because i'm bad i guess

i want people to talk to me but then i just fail to acknowledge them i just want attention
therefore nobody should talk to me. i'm not upset i'm just. bad. this probably indicates that something is wrong.

 

i daydreamed about drowning in an incidental way and it didnt seem alarming

i'm not going to do anything
i'm going to turn off the dehumidifier and check my blood sugar and put my clothes away and brush my teeth and go to bed

tonight is just weird


edit: by incidental way i dont mean that i had a plan. i mean i was just like "jfc i should just run away from my problems", cue imagination supplying sinking to the bottom of a body of water. cue brain realizing i would float or drown so which is it. drowning? ok. cue brain realizing thats usually horrifying. ok. i'm scared of lakes anyway i'm fine

 

im upset and i want to go home and sleep

I have to write two things based off this information that i got FIVE HOURS AGO and i'm #confirmed to be the worst and most horrible employee because what the fuck

I spent a good hour or more on kintsugi on my phone

And i keep getting distracted trying to figure out how to explain to my coworker that i'm terrible and how i cant tell our boss because you dont just... tell people how youre useless, that just gives them the motivation to fire you lmao

I'm tired

 

When i see something thats like "hey everyone dont be so negative about yourself/hold yourself to strict standards" im like, yes this is true for everyone but me

Facebook friend posts "hey i know coming out day already happened but im a safe person to come out to" and i think, yep except i cant talk to you because that would be Using You As An Emotional Garbage Can, Obviously so i just disregard thosr type of things

Someone tells me to my face that she's got my back, my thoughts are "aw she doesnt mean that, i'm terrible :) what a good person though offering support to people who deserve it, aka not me"

Anyway thats fucked up

 

hey did you know i'm a bad person and need to never impose on anyone ever

also i'm fake and not good at my job

and i dont like making people reassure me because duh what are you going to say, "yes i agree you're the worst and that document you wrote was garbage and you need to stop staying so late because it shows that youre worthless"

 

and i should delete my entire trans thread because it's stupid and embarrassing. it's just me running in circles and staring intensely at my navel and being melodramatic.

 

Hey its constantly time to feel weird about being asexual(????)

And being so awkward that i havent ever done anything romantic or sexual with anyone everrrrrr

And i realize i'm only 24 but to have absolutely 0 experience at all is embarrassing and makes me feel like i'm failing at being a person, and will continue to fail because lol how do you relationship, how do you anything

And i dont feel anything about anyone beyond going "hm theyre sort of cute" which, idk how about you shut up, self, because he's your coworker and you're awful so he probably wouldnt be interested anyway??? Even though he may or may not have complimented you once while drunk, it was a confusing statement

Anyway yeah

 

Time to feel bad again!

I'm bad at everything that matters lol

I never use stuff like the "i need support" thread because how bad does it have to be?? What am i supposed to ask for? How does anything work lol

 

hey does someone wanna suplex me directly into the sun? i should have gone to bed an hour an a half ago and i have to do my insulin but unfortunately, i'm the worst lol

edit: the answer is not to make a post about it and continue ignoring your responsibilities, the solution is to do what you need to do? you idiot? why are you the actual worst and most useless human

 

Hey im in bed now but im only going to get 4.5 hours of sleep if im lucky, because i'm a trash can who has garbage priorities.

My boss told me i need to get faster at work and i KNOW that, i dont know HOW to because i'm a piece of garbage who doesnt want to work hard

Anyway i deserve to be destroyed lol good night, i hate myself and dont want anything to do with myself so i'm just going to be a melodramatic ass and throw a tantrum in my thread

 

Like how about every time i try to slack off at work, someone just breaks my legs with a baseball bat. That would be helpful. Just murder me every time i take too long to get something done. Problem solved, your garbage employee is now dead and you can just replace them with someone who's not a disappointment in every aspect of life

 

Hey self could you try not being an overdramatic idiot, thanks


Gave myself a low blood sugar by overestimating dinner and i just want to drive to the grocery store but i legally can't until my blood sugar is fine. Because it counts as being impaired.

 

still relevant

Not actively a problem right now but lmao i should have maybe said outright that i wasn't feeling okay last night or whenever that was

but again, what do? Just stumble in there and go "i'm upset at myself, someone do something"?? How do you figure out what would help, and then decide whether its something someone could reasonably be asked to provide?

 

Sometimes it helps just to have someone hear your negativity and sympathise and give feedback and possibly tell you about their own Hot Mess-ness. It's kinda nice knowing you're not alone.

 

im seeing a counsellor and i appreciate that meme going around with Pingu like angrily making a valentine or something, captioned "me trying to use coping strategies from my therapist" or something

Becausr i'm upset and frustrated and i don't want to work on things, i want to mope and stay up too late out of spite at myself but thats a bad idea

also my coworker went to an optional staff get together that conflicted with my schedule, and either at this or afterward he apparently talked with enough people to be able to say that basically the whole office knows that both of us are really slow at getting our work done?

This is something he sometimes talks to me about and idk

so i pulled over to check my texts in case it was an urgent msg from my boss or whatev, but no its coworker like "ya everyone knows we're slow which means our competition probably knows too"

Hey asshole how about...don't??? Go out of your way to tell me everyone knows i'm bad at my job?

So i told him basically, that i get it and i havr lifelong problems with getting things done and im working on it and i felt like i got a decent amount of work done today

So he replies like, oh sorry i didnt mean to bring you into it, i was just talking about myself or something

which... ok but uh you didnt have to tell me any of that

anyway im gonna go to bed thanks

 

I'm upset with myself and the cbt app is probably not great for me because

journalling or recording that i'm angry just makes me more angry! Like, im glad it let me redo a thing where i rewrote a distorted thought, because my initial rewrite to "can you rewrite that thought, this time with objectivity and without distortions?" Was "no because i hate myself"

And then thinking about it just turns into an oroboros where im angry at myself for being angry

And then i start typing out all these self insults and i have to erase them because thats "not healthy" or whatever

Anyway im still upset and want to destroy myself but i have to take out the garbage instead of repeatedly hitting myself

 

i understand that like, idk im probably not literally useless and terrible (especially because useless is actually not even a concept that makes sense to apply to a person)

And i guess some people like me

But im upset and am basically self harming by emotionally beating myself up and staying up late instead of going inside and sleeping

Like, you don't need to sleep, just sit in the car until morning! Burn yourself out as soon as possible so you can just, idk everyone will realize that youre garbage and you can give up on trying to improve yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK

Eta: This message is bad and i dont have good coping strategies

 

I feel better after having had some smoothie and taken my pills 7 hours late. Im sleep

 

im tired and i DONT want to do my work but i have to so i can go home but ive been procrastinating for 90 minutes which means i need to be murdered immediately

Just fuckin delete me and a lot of people will be upset but theyll find someone better to do my job so its fine

I understand thats not true but im upset which gives me the right to say hurtful and untrue things because i want to be mean to myself

 

Ive done some of my work and am still tired and annoyed but nothing is on fire

I have a counsellor appointment next thurs which is good

Edit: part of the problem is i didnt break anything down into manageable pieces so i was just trying to like hold a big armful of Stuff I Havent Done Yet and i wanted to just dump it all on the ground

So i have to do:

Whittle down raw audio from sunday to make into larger project: done

Look up info to add into that audio: partly done

Write the info down and record it: not started

Project 2: done

Project 3:

get audio and pics from email: done

Find the good audio chunks, 1 from each file: not started

Write 3 ways: not started

Smush the versions together to get amalgamated version for filing: not started

File it: not started

Project 4:

Get the audio: done

Find the good chunks: 1/3

Write: 1/3

Smush: optional so im not doing it. Duder can do it in the morning shift.

Screm: in progress