Like. I want to be clear. That situation is so textbook abuse that I knew. I fucking knew your next post was going to clarify how it wasn't really at you, just near you, and it's not actually that bad as it sounds because he'd have to thy trying to hit you! Except no, that is text book abuse through threat of violence and emotional hostage taking. Crusty Christ crackers, ou want to talk about people not doing what they can to take care of themselves? Your first step should be getting the hell out of an emotional war zone.
Oh, I almost forgot... I think this whole fatlogic problem is another dogwhistle moment and no one brought it up. (Sorry, can't remember what convoluted logic-path led me to this.) I also forgot my argument. Ping me in the morning about it.
And not to triple post but "dependapotomus". Look at the way you talk about yourself. Look at that. Look at that word right there. The Reddit threads, among other things, have put that form of thinking into you. They're causing you to devalue yourself because you're overweight and disabled. So, to your very first question about whether a community is shit and not worth the time even if it has some good nuggets of wisdom in it: a broken clock is right twice a day, but you shouldn't rely on it to tell you the time. You need to throw it out and get new clock. You're not in a place to be able to objectively pick out the good from the bad, and your are absorbing so many toxic ideals into you. If its true and it's good, you can find it in other places. Places that are a bit more free of bigotry and hateful sneering.
Are you a mod? The message you appear to be replying to hasn't cleared yet. I can't leave because I can't work and I don't qualify for disability. I'm driving my mom crazy by being here, and her house is still too hoarded when I've driven myself to exhaustion twice in the last month getting as far as I could. (My old room was decent enough when I got here, but I threw clothes and junk everywhere for lack of places to put them.) The abuse didn't originate from my husband, it came from his bosses who would arrest him if he tried to leave. (He should be admired for how much he kept a cap on his frustrations.) It also came from some of my own failings; the hoarding, the not being able to adult enough to keep the house clean. He had to go through ADHD so bad that the Navy let him take the good drugs for it in his seventh year, but now he can't get more than what's left from a bottle that his brother didn't like.
Lizard isn't a mod, jsyk. Also, blocking you from the internet or tv or whatever isn't something that should be happening in a relationship between adults. I'm not going to label it for you because it's your relationship and you need to process it for yourself. But I can tell you that denying you access to things as though you're a child isn't normal.
Oh, did his bosses throw the TV at you? Because if not, then no, that came from him and him alone. Being angry and frustrated is one thing. Choosing to vent it by acting out against other people in a violent way is another. He made the choice of "pick up tv and throw it." That is not normal. That's is not healthy. That is not right, and it isn't acceptable behaviour in any context, full stop. I really get being stuck there. The shit part about being disabled is how much autonomy you lose by not being able to do things for yourself. But the self medicating, self hating and selfdestructive cycles you go through are symptoms of the bigger problem. You are trying to fix faultlines with duct tape. It's a patch work that will never hold unless a lot of things change.
Normal? No, but normal people can adult. I wasn't too good at maturity to begin with, and with people trying to tell me that the alcohol causes brain-damage... I've started stuttering slightly. His complaint is that he doesn't want to keep me as a pet. (I'm as useless as the cats sometimes.)
It doesn't matter how big it is, he shouldn't be throwing anything at you. Someone who throws things in your direction but doesn't hit is very, very likely to start aiming for you sooner or later, and to start using bigger things, or to start using more expensive things and then blame you for "making" him break them.
He threw an oversized thumbdrive in my general direction and would have needed really bad aim to actually hit me. (As an aside, I did actually bean him on top of the head with a spikey tree-nut called a gumball because I was trying to throw it in an unrelated direction. Didn't even realize it hit him until he said something and I did attempt to show shame while trying to apologize.) I'm really hating the message that it's wrong to show anger and frustration rather than turning it inwards. Trying to show it against the authority doing it is just going to make it worse, that much I've learned even if I don't practice it by treating the mods here like normal people instead of gods, but frustration should go somewhere. I once really damaged the kitchen by breaking a whole recycle-bin of glass bottles one-by-one. Luckily the stove didn't get dented and we got the oven-handle reattached, the next home-owners had access to spare floor-tiles if the realtor didn't have the garage fully cleaned-out, and we never fixed the cabinet-shelf that somehow broke despite the door not showing a mark. I'm powerless to change things, unless I replace the alcoholism with tearing my hair out in chunks again.
I won't argue with you about your relationship, but however you describe it, it sounds like a very stressful situation. It's also concerning that your husband didn't remove the bottles of alcohol from the house when you came back from detox. It does not sound like an environment that will help you stay sober. I realize this will be extremely difficult, but a productive use of this thread could be brainstorming how to make your living situation less stressful, and looking for alcohol treatment that would be a better fit for you. Your living situation and your alcohol use are two problems that must be fixed before you can make progress on your other ones.
Greallan, you don't earn exemptions from being someone's frustration-sink by being sufficiently abled. You deserve it as a basic property of being a human person. Your right to not being screamed at and having things thrown at you does not get revoked when you have a disability or can't do certain things, and it certainly doesn't get revoked when someone else is in a shit situation. Everyone in a shit situation has an obligation to not turn that on anyone else. Bottling it up isn't helpful but that just means they need to find constructive or at the very least harmless outlets. Screaming and throwing things is flat unacceptable. Humans aren't canals that only pass on what we're given, we get to choose where all the hurt and frustration we feel goes, and to not vent it on other people. Especially not when those other people only '''deserve''' it because they're disabled or nearby.
That was a bit open ended, let me ask some more specific questions: After another detox, it would probably be a good idea for you to live apart from your husband for some time, in a house without a hording problem. Do you have anyone you could live with for a little while? What addiction treatment programs are in your area, what was the one you interacted with already like? Do you have healthcare benefits through your husband? Do they cover therapy?
That is not how abuse works. Abuse doesn't "originate" anywhere, really. I guess you could say that someone's reasons for abusing someone come from this or that place, but that doesn't excuse it or make it okay. Maybe you meant anger or frustration in this case? You are not responsible for someone lashing out at you because they are angry. Their anger is not your responsibility. It is their responsibility to control it and not lash out at you. That's because it IS wrong to lash out in anger. I am defining lashing out as yelling, hitting, throwing things, and generally directing anger at a person, especially in ways that cause harm. But there are other options than just holding it in. There are healthy ways to release anger that doesn't hurt the people around you. Going for a run, or some other physical activity is a good one. Going into a different room and screaming into a pillow or punching a pillow is okay, but the key part is doing it in private, where the show of anger can't hurt anyone. Hell, playing violent videogames can be healthy too, though I'm sure there are more caveats with that one to make sure one isn't just passing the anger off to someone else. None of those mean you have to hold anger in, but none of those hurt anyone else either. This is something you do. You think it's all or nothing and you don't seem to acknowledge the in between options.
Oh my god I'm so sorry. If he is angry, he should take some time to process it in a healthy way and then talk to you about it! Not throw things at you! Lizard is right, the way you talk about yourself is heartbreaking, and you deserve to be kinder to yourself than that. Every time you talk about yourself, you become incredibly self-deprecating. You insult yourself, break yourself down. Wanting to self-improve is important and good but you shouldn't be ripping yourself to pieces when you do. If you're hanging out in communities which specifically mock people like yourself, it's going to become internalized that you should hate yourself as well. The fact that you're used to people throwing things at you is horrifying. Look, I'm disabled as hell. I struggle with feeling like a burden in my household, I often cannot do any chores at all and am limited to bedrest at this point. The people I live with? Understand my limits and help me when I'm in a good place to overcome them. They offer emotional support, physical aid when need be. Your husband is treating you like he's a shitty father and you're a child, and you deserve better than that. It sounds like you have so much going on that you should be angry and upset about, but instead you're displacing the feelings from that onto online situations. I used to do that too, when I was in an abusive environment. Any online rejection hurt twice as bad as it should, because online spaces were the only zones where I could hope to find friends and a sense of community. I'm so, so sorry you're in this bad space right now, that you've been failed by doctors and mental health folks who were supposed to help you, but it can get better than this I promise.
What. Why did you "try to show shame"? What did you have to be ashamed of? Accidentally beaming someone in the head isn't shameful, it's an accident. They say, "hey, that hit me," and you go "oh shit, sorry dude, my bad," and try to be more careful next time. Why do you feel as if you have to communicate some kind of shame around an accident? Will he get mad at you If you don't sufficiently perform contrition? (Hint: this is emotional abuse). And "I hit someone on accident while goofing, oops," is not the same thing as choosing to vent on a person in a violent manner. They are not an equal exchange in the slightest. Why would you make that excuse; it seems like you're trying to say "even if he did hit me while acting out in frustration, it's fair game because I hit him on accident once." That kind of mind set is a result of... Yeah it's the word of the day y'all. Go on and guess.
Relevant: food restriction and dieting can be a form of self harm or self-delusion used to give someone in a situation where they are denied agency an illusion of control. Since it is a societally accepted form of self harm, the person using this method may receive praise for the behaviour, which reinforces the illusion and prevents underlying issues being treated.
both are bigger problems than just dogwhistling. you are absorbing extremely toxic cultures regardless of whether or not you agree with them
I don't care if he was throwing fucking fluffy pillows at you, he still shouldn't throw things. Most people get past the throwing-things tantrum stage before the age of seven, and you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who both treats you like a child and acts like a child themselves.
Well, I was embarrassed, and showing that would be better than having a flat effect that communicates writing it off as no big deal. He showed exasperation, I think. Acknowledging that it was a clumsy accident and kinda funny even though his head probably stung a bit. My hoarder's group is part of a larger organization that provides housing. If my husband got a different job and moved far enough away from the city, I would ask about someplace to stay. The apartment we're in is a bit too expensive, so we're kinda stuck until the lease is up. I also don't know how well he's coping without having someone to cook and cycle the dishwasher most of the time. I think I would lose track of time if I didn't have someone in the house that was on a schedule. Other than that, the only people I know are hoarders, and probably wouldn't want a roommate even if they could make space. As far as a treatment center for addiction... I think one of the hoarder buddies talked about how her friend hates that we're coopting addiction language for our own problem. I could ask them, but the group-coordinator probably knows a good place as well. I should also use their art classes. It's a 2-mile walk, which is pretty hard on me, but it's someplace to go. I think I talked to a therapist and hated her. Anger and frustration, I guess. But some of the anger and frustration was also at me for not housewifing when I was depressed. There was one time when he was at training, and he asked his instructor what he needed to do to take a vacation out-of-country to visit his parents. He was told that he didn't need to do anything. The day of the flight, he was told that he needed to go through a month-long process and blamed for it. He kicked a chair over when he got back. He also couldn't really run for fun. He could muscle through the joint-pain for PRT, but he doesn't get runner's high. I can't run at all, especially if I'm upset because I flail and would get arrested for crazy.
