Super General Advice (the thread for advice without making a thread)

I’m bi-ace and I have this problem too. Like many bi women I’ve mostly dated men, and like some ace people I don’t have an extensive dating history anyway.

I as good as took a girl to prom? (Unrelated life circumstances unfortunately cancelled our plans, but she said yes.) Goblin brain doesn’t think this is good enough because “What have you done lately,” as if identity were a performance instead of something you are.

Honestly, I’ve gotten the most mileage from a fake it till you make it mentality. I just pretend I feel like I belong until I start convincing myself.

(If anyone has other suggestions I’d be interested too.)

 

I try to remind myself that it doesn't much matter but that doesn't always work

Spoiler: NSFW

I mean to be fair I was in the middle of eating my partner out (and having a lot of fun doing it!!!) when my brain was like "but are you SURE you're into girls???????"

but since then I've pointed back at that example for myself

errrr stuff about dysphoria I've felt helps

 

I like to dress as butch as possible and then make knowing eye contact with strangers as we mutually queerdar each other. That nice “similar hat” moment without any need for actual verbal communication.

 

That might work, thanks. I tried looking through all of the information that the ASA puts out but they only have demographic information, nothing that's actually specific like what I'm really looking for (i.e. ways to decide on my career by the most stable and profitable).

 

I can neither call myself "butch" without being harassed nor make eye contact but I appreciate the advice, thank you.

 

I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful :( I think my thing falls under the broader category of “fake it till you make it”, though, which imo is a good strategy regardless of the specifics.

 

also starting to transition eg hormone therapy is not exactly a cis thing to do

 

wait if you're a trans man and you are exclusively attracted to men...aren't you...still gay...

 

Yeah that's the problem, I'm having a hard time seeing myself as gay since I don't pass at all (and I don't mean people can't tell what gender I am, I mean I'm called "ma'am" and "miss" literally every time without hesitation) and I feel like I'm encroaching on gay men's space and culture by thinking of myself as gay. Whenever I'm around gay men I worry so much that they see me as a gross straight girl. I'm even afraid to come out to gay men that I know because I'm afraid they'll think I'm fetishizing them or trying to appropriate their life experiences or whatever.

 

I'm thinking of trying commercial art, would I do better to put it on a separate account from my fandom stuff?

 

I have this problem where I find it very difficult to convince myself to leave my apartment on days off unless it’s for a concrete reason, like running an errand or fulfilling a commitment I’d made earlier. I’m not exactly a shut-in, since I do work 4 or 5 days a week, but I don’t really... do anything, and I don’t like it. But I can’t just go out with no destination for no reason, you know? It’s like a similar thing I have, where I like doing physical work with heavy lifting and such but I absolutely can’t make myself exercise just for the sake of exercising.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get around this? I just want to take walks on my days off, or something, but I can’t seem to do that unless I need to walk to go get a thing from a place.

 

Rating this Agree because I have the exact same issue. If anyone has advice I would love to hear it too!

 

My partial solution: Pokemon Go. It has daily streak counters for spinning a Pokestop and catching something up to 7 days in a row, so I can usually drag my ass out of the house for at least a few minutes to walk to a nearby stop and spin it. (Only works if you care about Pokego, have reasonably easy access to a stop, and are motivated by video game dailies, though.)

 

I got around this by having a dog, and since I live in an apartment it means he has to go out at least three times a day and so so I. A dog is a big commitment, though, so maybe you could get a similar effect by volunteering at an animal shelter to walk a dog or two if you like dogs, or walk a neighbor's if you're close enough. I also have some small shops within walking distance and I'll occasionally just go out to get chips and a soda and some sunshine. Pokémon Go is also a good way to just go walk around, I hear, although I haven't played it much since it came out.

 

I wish I could use pokego, but I don’t have data on my phone :P And also I deleted the app a while ago to try to make room for pubg. I might download it again and try to find some pokestops near WiFi that I can walk to, though.

 

your mileage on this will vary, based on where you live and how much you're willing to spend on non-essentials, but: i also have this issue, and i use getting coffee a lot. instead of making coffee at home on my days off, if it's nice out i'll walk down to the coffee shop and buy a coffee instead, then walk to the nearby park and hang out there while i drink it. for some reason, the extra step of "buy a coffee" makes this much easier, whereas i'd never just walk down to the park for no reason.

single-purpose errands also work for me, but requires that you have nearby corner stores-- if i'm running low on dish soap, say, but i don't quite need to do a whole grocery run, i'll walk down to the rite-aid and just buy dish soap as an excuse to get out for a walk.

 

Would small goals work? I would get out of the house at my hometown by wanting to visit certain places at the local parks, like, wanting to go sit at the treehouse and read for a while. If there's certain landmarks or something like that that you can go see just cause it sounds fun that's how i get out sometimes- or like, wanting to go check on the ducks at the pond.

I also really like swinging and would go to parks with a swingset to listen to music and daydream

eta: oh!! is there a library in decent distance? Libraries are a Thing To Go Do and even if you don't get many or long books, then you have a guaranteed separate trip to turn the books in, and in my experience library cards are generally somewhere between 0-2 dollars to get

 

I always feel silly going out to buy coffee when I could make it much more cheaply at home, but maybe the expense is worth it when I’m trying to form a new habit. I’ll try that on my next day off.

Unfortunately just going to a place so that I will be at that place doesn’t seem to count as enough of a reason to actually get me to leave the apartment :(

 

Something that’s been a huge help to me both for getting out of my apartment and doing some sort of exercise is finding dance classes to take. I had pretty much no experience with dance before I started doing this two years ago, and it was surprisingly easy to find a studio with classes for adults with no experience.